Tuesday, January 29, 2013

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow

I have always loved Theodore Roethke's poetry, and especially this one. I feel very tired, which is probably a combination of not taking my sleeping pills for days and being stressed out by symptoms.

The auditory stuff is annoying. I hear things in what people are really saying, that they aren't really saying, every day. But it is nothing new. I'm just rather tired of it.

I think I need a distraction.

Something, I don't know.

I'm getting way behind in my classes, because of the inability to study and read.

I just lie down and stare at the walls. I'll talk on the phone, or go on the computer, but I won't really watch TV or anything. I'll put the TV on in the living room just to keep me company, and listen to it from my bedroom without watching it, because I can't handle too much of it. The stimulation or something is too much to deal with. I can't focus on it to actually watch a show.

My friend came over last week and helped me clean. She is a good friend. I took her out to dinner, but I felt like I should do more for her for her helping me clean. It was awfully nice of her. My other friend is  going to do it as a job, because she cleans people's homes for a living now, and I am hiring her so I can have some regular help. I just can't manage it by myself.


There is this guy who has been wanting to be my boyfriend sort of.......but he lives in another part of the state, and anyway we haven't met. Any guy that meets me in person is destined to think I'm too overweight.

Yesterday 103 people told me Happy Birthday on Facebook. That was nice. I don't tell them about my blog.

"The Waking"

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.

I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?

I hear my being dance from ear to ear.

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?

God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,

And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?

The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do

To you and me, so take the lively air,

And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.

What falls away is always. And is near.

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

I learn by going where I have to go.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Imagining peace for my birthday

I turn 38 today.

"Imagine" is my all-time favorite song.

Feliz cumpeanos to me! (Happy Birthday).

If it's your birthday when you're reading this, then happy birthday to you too!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Auditory Hallucinations

Here are some of my secret codes I hear:

"You're welcome" = "You'll walk home". = You'll walk to a concentration camp when the time comes.

"Goodbye" = Go die.

"Bye" = Die.

"You too" = "You're due". = the dead fetus that's been in your body for years needs to come out (yay, this lovely crap returns!).

"Gotcha!" = "Gotcha!" = "You're doomed. You're caught in a lie. You're caught using secret information illegally. You're giving out intellligence. You're caught. You're trapped. You're known. You're powers are known. You're going down. You're a goner.

"This guy" = "The sky" as in "I really like the sky", meaning "I really like the universal powers that exist in us". Yeah, that one is harder to explain.

"See you later" = "See you laid her" = See you got her/ cornered her/ she will be raped/ or she is caught and she is doomed to die.

"Would you" = "You're a Jew" = You're destined for the concentration camp.

Just some nuggets from my brain..... on a rather not-so-good day.

This doesn't seem to be improving with the decreased dosage of Risperdal Consta, however, I refuse to take the higher dosage because I want to lose weight and not be an obese cow for the rest of my life.

Perhaps the increased dosage of Latuda to 160 mgs. (Highest Possible Dose) will help.

Perhaps not.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

The New Zealander

 Last night I went to see Natalie Merchant with my friend, Kathy. It was a great concert. She was so enchanting, amazing, and talented as always. I loved the 10,000 Maniacs when she was with them and I have loved her music throughout her solo career. It was a great show.

"The Letter" is a song I've always liked, but it has special meaning now. The New Zealander, A., who I was basically in love with as much as you can love someone you've never met in person, decided to inform me the other day that some time in the last I-don't-know-how-many-months he moved back in with his ex-girlfriend. This was a few minutes after I was looking up airfare to New Zealand when he told me this.

Because, I had this whole plan of how I could take out an extra student loan and use all my available funds to go visit him this summer. I thought about how great it would be to meet him, and hug him and kiss him in person, and talk to him face-to-face. I thought how we were so close on Skype and the phone, that in person it would be a million times better, and that we might fall in love for sure, and I even thought, as he brought up once in the very beginning of our "relationship", of marrying him, and becoming an honorary "New Zealander".

But those thoughts were obviously all shot to hell when he told me he was living with his "ex-girlfriend", so they can raise their son together, and that they have "separate bedrooms".  It was really bizarre to me that he said he would still like me to come visit him even though he was living in her house. What? I'm sure that this woman, who, if the story he told me is true, is wheelchair-bound, does not appreciate her "friend" who lives with her inviting some woman from the U.S. to stay in her house. Of course when I said that, he said, "well, I'm sure we could work something out...." and I realized that even he knew how ludicrous this sounded.

You don't move back in with your ex if you don't have romantic feelings for them. I can see you doing this if you're really broke, and you're totally uninterested in anyone else, but that was not the storyline that I was being given. He was telling me all the time that he was attracted to me. He stopped telling me he loved me though, which should have been a pretty obvious clue. If you tell someone you love them and they don't say it back to you, that is a big hint that something is not right with the picture.

The stupid thing is, I wanted to believe all the nice things he said, the compliments he gave me and everything, and I wanted to think I actually mattered to him, but it's quite obvious now that this was not the case. He was lying to me, He told me he hadn't mentioned having been living with his ex-girlfriend because he didn't want me to cut off contact with him. Well, that is exactly what I had to do now, for my own sanity's sake. I might have low self esteem, but I am not going to grovel to the extent that this guy evidently expected me to.

I am now incredibly depressed. Life seems totally pointless and devoid of meaning and purpose. I am totally alone in it all, with no one who understands. But I'll go on. Tomorrow is, of course, yet another day.

Monday, January 14, 2013

what I've always wanted is acceptance

 I've liked this song for years and it has special meaning to me. You'll have to read the lyrics or listen to it to understand. "That I Would be Good" by Alannis Morisette.


Sunday, January 13, 2013

life sucks

I am not doing well.

This should come as no surprise, considering I have been mentioning this here for a while now.

But it got worse.

The disorganization got worse. The problems with my whole life got worse. Arriving late to work because I can't manage my busy schedule with college back in session. Exhausted and having a total lack of motivation. The negative symptoms seem to be the problem, but as I told my doctor, I can't tell the difference in times like this between the negative symptoms of psychosis or the depression. So I don't really know exactly what the problem is. She asked me if I'd been crying and wishing I was dead. I said, no, I'd been not crying and staring at the walls wishing nothing. She said that it was probably negative symptoms of psychosis.

At the same time she's taking me off one of my antipsychotics. I've been asking to be taken off Risperdal Consta for years. I don't like the fact that I'm disgustingly obese from the injections, and I long to be thin and attractive again in this lifetime. My endocrinologist told me to my face that I will never lose the weight if I keep taking Risperdal injections. It is this drug that put the weight on me. So I am finally going off it now. I will get a decreased dosage Monday. In two weeks, I will get an even lower dosage. Usually, I take the highest dosage it comes in, 50 mgs.

I'm not entirely sure this is a prime time to be going off one of my antipsychotics. I've been doing a lot of lying down and staring at the walls and doing nothing. I can't seem to shake this off. But I'll still be taking Latuda at the highest dose and a small dose of Navane.

 My New Zealand friend/or whatever he is who I stupidly continued to be in love with doesn't love me and has made it really obvious he wants nothing to do with me. I don't even know what that is about for sure but it is most likely related to me being overweight, as that is most often why guys end up finding me unattractive. It could also be some other issues. I do not know. I just know that it hurts when the one person you want to talk to suddenly decides they don't want to talk to you at all and then hangs up the phone on you when you call them.

I'm going through PMS right now, which is partly why I'm extremely depressed at this moment, but I have to say everything seems very bleak and my life does not seem worth living. I'm not going to kill myself, but I wouldn't mind being run over by a truck. I feel like I have no reason to go on, nothing to really live for, nothing to really look forward to. I'm going to be 38 this month. I'll never be married or have a child. I'll probably never have a full-time career. I'll probably never own a house. What is really the point? I'll probably be overweight and ugly and alone the rest of my life.

I guess it is good that I have an appointment with my therapist on Monday.

I'm taking two classes. For one of them I have to read six books. There's no way I can do that, so it's not like I'm going to actually do it. When the professor was reading off the syllabus to the class and he got to the section on students with disabilities and if you need accomodations what you are supposed to do, he said, "We usually don't have any wacko students in this class, but anyway..." I was rather insulted by that to say the least, considering I am one of those "wacko students".

One thing to look forward to is I got tickets to see Natalie Merchant this next weekend, because my friend's birthday was a few days ago, and my birthday is in a couple weeks. I don't go to many concerts ever. That will be something nice to do. But right now nothing seems worth looking forward to. Nothing seems worth doing. Nothing seems worth getting out of bed at all. In fact, nothing seems worth getting up off the floor, where I often find myself lying and staring at the wall.

I eat only fast food and nothing else. I don't go grocery shopping anymore. Obviously this means I don't cook. Including, I no longer microwave food. I eat fast food. Or I just don't eat. Or I eat some leftover fast food. Basically I am living in my bed. This is no way to exist. I really need help of some kind. I mean, not a hospital, but something. I wish Florida had those respite centers that some places have where you can go and stay for a few days to avoid ending up in a hospital. I would go to one of those if I lived in a place that had one of those. But Florida doesn't have any.


Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Damn, I did it again!

Dammit. I just realized, lo and behold, while I've been wallowing in my misery, I FORGOT TO TAKE TOPOMAX FOR WEEKS. Again.

WTF is wrong with me? I just found the bottle lying on the floor. "Oh, maybe I should see what this is?" instead of stepping over it. Topomax. Oh Christ.


Alas, I was headed downhill some time ago. I don't remember the last time I took Topomax. I was lying on the floor earlier trying to recall it. See I have this old featherbed that needs to go in the trash, but I've taken to lying on top of it on my floor. See that's how stellar things are going right now, okay? It's really looking UP.

So I was lying on the floor asking myself, "when did I stop taking Topomax?"

I have no clue.

I guess if I really cared, I would count out the pills to see how many extra are in there. But I don't really care. That is the crux of el problemo. Topomax is my MOOD STABILIZER. I was thinking, "Gee I need to tell the doctor to increase that Topomax dose tomorrow, because it sure doesn't work." And then I realized. I have not even BEEN TAKING IT. AT ALL.

I have had more problems losing me meds in the past year than I ever have before. It is because there so many of them. I take every pill that exists except for stuff like Viagra. I take so many medications I am an incorporated pharmacy known as Jengreens. That is why all pharmacists know my name. Surely, this is not a good sign. But neither is forgetting to take the stuff. Surely, THAT didn't help.

I don't know what to do with myself.


It's a purple!!

Hi Folks,

I haven't written much in a while because I've been pretty down in the deep doldrums of desperate despair. (Is despair always desperate?) But I'm back now! I've got a handy, dandy new purple computer! I love it. I hadn't ever, in my entire life, purchased a computer before. I had always had them given to me by people who were discarding them, or I had used the computers at the libraries or the colleges I went to or the colleges nearby. I had most of my computers that this blog was written on because they were outdated and no longer wanted at my dad's business, so he would let me have them.

BUT I BOUGHT THIS COMPUTER! My new baby. It's not a boy. It's not a girl. It's a purple window to the earth.

I bought it. Myself. With my own money. And I freakin' love it!

It wasn't cheap, but it was a lot cheaper than most laptops are. I got it on sale, and I used money that had been given to me for Christmas plus some saved. I think it was a wise investment.

I will write my book on this computer. And it will be a good book.

As for other things, I haven't been accomplishing a whole hell of a lot. I've been basically trying to keep my head above water, and avoid having to be hospitalized. Today I went to work looking just plain AWFUL. I hadn't showered in - eh - who knows - and I hadn't washed my hair or even put on make up. I just went to work looking like crap. I thought to myself, "something is wrong with me to be doing this." I had realized once I got there that my blouse was stained from the fact that I wore it the day before and spilled something on it. It was not my day today.

I'm back in school, and it's going to be a challenge, but I think it will be good for me, because I had three weeks off school and two weeks off work, and I accomplished basically nothing in all that time. I didn't write, I didn't clean, I didn't bake cookies. I didn't do much. And that is sad. I spent an inordinate amount of time lying on the floor or in my bed or somewhere, curled up in a ball. And I watched some movies. Les Miserable, and Cirque du Soleil were good, I thought, though Cirque is really weird, of course (thank you, Captain Obvious). My family drama is still going on as usual, and stresses me out. I feel lonely a lot but incapable of doing much about it. I don't really want to be around others more than necessary.

I miss my New Zealander all the time. It's a very bittersweet thing to feel like you're really attached to someone on the other side of the earth, especially if you've got no idea how you will ever be able to meet them in person without going into serious debt further than you already have gone. So it's kind of hard. I am grateful to have in my life though. He is sweet, and smart, and wonderfully funny, and makes me laugh. And he's really, really cute. And he votes for the Green Party. What more could I want? Perhaps living in the same continent would be nice, but you can't have everything.

The wonderful world of Skype allows us to chat, and I find that really nice and uplifting when I get to talk to him.

On New Year's Eve, I went out with my friend Kathy to a place that was a little boring. It was a nightclub for people in recovery from drugs and alcohol. I'm not in recovery, but I don't drink, and neither does she, and neither does her other friend who was going, so she wanted to go there. I made a fool out of myself trying to dance, but it was nice to get all dressed up (and cleaned up), and look decent for a change. I haven't been making a habit out of that much lately.

So, it's a new year now, which  brings me to you bloggers. What would you like to read about more here? Any requests? I am an open book, pretty much. Any topics of interest to you? I would love to make the blog more accommodating for you so you might return.

Okay well, that is all for now. Oh, but my new computer, the background on Windows has a purple flower with a bee on it - get it? Daisybee. It was meant for me to buy it.