Friday, November 08, 2013

You can't count on anyone but yourself

I think the above words are very true. I don't believe in God, or any saviors. I am well aware that nobody can fix my problems better than I can myself. But sometimes, I fall into the trap of wanting someone, something bigger and better than me to make my life worthwhile.

My mom and I have this running joke, where we call each other and say "Hi, this is The Codependent Hotline just checking in on you." She does it to me, and I do it to her. And we laugh. But there is some truth in the whole "codependency" issue. I come from a family of alcoholics. My mom and my brother are in recovery. I don't think they would mind me writing that here. I am proud of them for their recovery. But with alcoholism comes codependency. Add mental illness into the mix and you've got all kinds of Grand Dysfunction.

I sometimes fall into the trap of magical thinking, believing that some guy - usually the same guy for many years but sometimes others - would make my life meaningful and worthwhile, if only he would fall in love with me.

The guy that I thought this way about for 16 some years never reciprocated my feelings after the first few months that I knew him. But I have OCD, and I got hooked on him and this fantasy, totally created in my mind, about who he was, and who he could be. It was never really about him, as much as it was about me being lonely and feeling inadequate on my own.

Then last year, there was the New Zealander, and I got into the trap of magical thinking about him.

There's also been this really deranged guy (and I say that only because it's true) who I met online in a Schizophrenia support group. We have talked off and on for the past year or so, and he even professed to love me once. But we have never met. He lives three hours from where I do and doesn't have a reliable car. He rides a tricycle with a cookie monster doll in the basket. I am serious. He also told me he thinks he's - not only Jesus/God - but a being more powerful than God. And he believed the CIA was after both of us. I only recently cut him out of my life, because I kept thinking "well, at least we have some things in common", but if I had driven three hours to visit him in his trailer I am quite sure I might have ended up in a Lifetime TV movie. My friend Kristyn said that she would kill him after he killed me, so then she'd be on that Lifetime show called "Snapped", so we decided that it was an all-around bad idea for me to go off and meet this guy.

And then there is this ex-boyfriend of mine who I really, genuinely like a lot  We are just friendly, and that is all. I kind of humiliated myself by writing him a poem about how much I liked him, which was a dumb move. In any event, he lives in a different state. It was nice to hear from him though, partially because he had saved a poem I wrote in 2004, and sent me a copy of it. It wasn't too bad.

I think sometimes I get caught up in this fantasy "Oh this guy talked to me, let's plan our wedding!" world because it's easier than dealing with the bland reality that I'm all alone in this life, and I probably always will be. It's not like I'm having children. Chances are I'll never be married. Which is fine, really, because most marriages are disastrous and who needs that? But sometimes I just wish that there was someone/ something bigger than me to believe in, like religion or drugs or a man who could care about me or something like that. I know how silly this sounds coming from a devout feminist. But it's true. I never have seen a reason to lie on my own blog.


In any event, I think that I have learned over the years that, if nothing else, I do know how to take care of myself. I have been through enough garbage that I know how to dig my way out of a dumpster with relatively great finesse. So I guess that's good.

2 comments:

KansasSunflower said...

Even people who are married and think they will be for life get divorced, so I think it is awesome you know you can count on yourself. You're a survivor, that is most important. It's not good to get into a codependent relationship where you feel that you would kill yourself if you broke up, you know? Not that you would, but I think ANYONE who gets into a relationship need to know, and believe, they can count on themselves, take care of themselves, be alone and be okay. Again, you're my hero. : )

Life is hard but good said...

I have been married for 22 years and I do believe that my husband has been very helpful for me to have. We all have what we are supposed to have whether alone or married. I do believe in God but that is me. I totally respect people who don't so no worries there. Perhaps I am weak and need both God and a husband and perhaps you are strong because you don't have either. Who knows the point is we are in this together trying to make sense of our disorder.

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