My boss is making a case against me. It's very obvious. I need to find a new job, but I lack the will power necessary to take on that task....and then there is the fact that in the back of my mind my real job (working for the CIA) is what I am actually doing at my paid job.
So, this past weekend I got hooked on the show, Homeland, where Claire Danes (who I loved in My So-Called Life when I was a teenager and she was too), plays a CIA agent. I watched several episodes of this at my mom's house, because she had Showtime, and I didn't. Then I ordered Showtime just to watch the rest. I watched the whole first two seasons in three days. Then I watched the new season's episodes.
I'm not sure if it's entirely related to watching Homeland so much, but my own "I'm a CIA op" storyline has taken over my mind more - again. I started looking at conspiracy theory stuff online, which is something I know I should never do, because it is always a bad idea for me to do that. But I did it anyway, thinking I was being open-minded and also feeling pressed by the urge telling me that this story is the real truth and I needed to research mind control and what was really done to my brain by the government.
So then I came home today and spent hours watching Youtube videos on mind control, multiple personality disorder, Satanic ritual abuse, and Schizophrenia - and how these things are supposedly connected. The star of some of the videos was Dr. Colin Ross, who I used to admire, back when I was convinced that I had been abused in a Satanic cult and was mind controlled to be a Manchurian Candidate by the feds. I later realized he was not the genius he seemed to think he was. But then, I watched these videos today and I started wondering, "What if he is right?"
I forgot my little brother's 14th birthday, which I was supposed to be celebrating at my dad's today, because I got so caught up in these videos.
When I went to get my blood drawn like I do every week for Clozaril, an Arab man was talking to me in code at the lab, and I came home and Googled the codes and tried to figure out what it all meant. I know that sounds crazy, probably is.
I used to think so many crazy things. There are some things I never write about here. Some things are too personal. But basically my mind seems to be unwell at this point. I'm still doing volunteer stuff with NAMI and going to work most days, but other than that I am accomplishing nothing. And I guess there isn't much else to say but that.
Edited to add: I've also been experiencing depersonalization. I'll look in the mirror and totally not recognize that person as myself. It really freaks me out. What freaks me out more is that this is often associated with dissociative disorders, and that brings back my whole, old, tired train of thought about having Dissociative Identity Disorder from ritual abuse and mind control programming. I wish there was more information on what makes it so somebody with Schizophrenia can look in the mirror and not know who she's looking at.