Sunday, January 13, 2013

life sucks

I am not doing well.

This should come as no surprise, considering I have been mentioning this here for a while now.

But it got worse.

The disorganization got worse. The problems with my whole life got worse. Arriving late to work because I can't manage my busy schedule with college back in session. Exhausted and having a total lack of motivation. The negative symptoms seem to be the problem, but as I told my doctor, I can't tell the difference in times like this between the negative symptoms of psychosis or the depression. So I don't really know exactly what the problem is. She asked me if I'd been crying and wishing I was dead. I said, no, I'd been not crying and staring at the walls wishing nothing. She said that it was probably negative symptoms of psychosis.

At the same time she's taking me off one of my antipsychotics. I've been asking to be taken off Risperdal Consta for years. I don't like the fact that I'm disgustingly obese from the injections, and I long to be thin and attractive again in this lifetime. My endocrinologist told me to my face that I will never lose the weight if I keep taking Risperdal injections. It is this drug that put the weight on me. So I am finally going off it now. I will get a decreased dosage Monday. In two weeks, I will get an even lower dosage. Usually, I take the highest dosage it comes in, 50 mgs.

I'm not entirely sure this is a prime time to be going off one of my antipsychotics. I've been doing a lot of lying down and staring at the walls and doing nothing. I can't seem to shake this off. But I'll still be taking Latuda at the highest dose and a small dose of Navane.

 My New Zealand friend/or whatever he is who I stupidly continued to be in love with doesn't love me and has made it really obvious he wants nothing to do with me. I don't even know what that is about for sure but it is most likely related to me being overweight, as that is most often why guys end up finding me unattractive. It could also be some other issues. I do not know. I just know that it hurts when the one person you want to talk to suddenly decides they don't want to talk to you at all and then hangs up the phone on you when you call them.

I'm going through PMS right now, which is partly why I'm extremely depressed at this moment, but I have to say everything seems very bleak and my life does not seem worth living. I'm not going to kill myself, but I wouldn't mind being run over by a truck. I feel like I have no reason to go on, nothing to really live for, nothing to really look forward to. I'm going to be 38 this month. I'll never be married or have a child. I'll probably never have a full-time career. I'll probably never own a house. What is really the point? I'll probably be overweight and ugly and alone the rest of my life.

I guess it is good that I have an appointment with my therapist on Monday.

I'm taking two classes. For one of them I have to read six books. There's no way I can do that, so it's not like I'm going to actually do it. When the professor was reading off the syllabus to the class and he got to the section on students with disabilities and if you need accomodations what you are supposed to do, he said, "We usually don't have any wacko students in this class, but anyway..." I was rather insulted by that to say the least, considering I am one of those "wacko students".

One thing to look forward to is I got tickets to see Natalie Merchant this next weekend, because my friend's birthday was a few days ago, and my birthday is in a couple weeks. I don't go to many concerts ever. That will be something nice to do. But right now nothing seems worth looking forward to. Nothing seems worth doing. Nothing seems worth getting out of bed at all. In fact, nothing seems worth getting up off the floor, where I often find myself lying and staring at the wall.

I eat only fast food and nothing else. I don't go grocery shopping anymore. Obviously this means I don't cook. Including, I no longer microwave food. I eat fast food. Or I just don't eat. Or I eat some leftover fast food. Basically I am living in my bed. This is no way to exist. I really need help of some kind. I mean, not a hospital, but something. I wish Florida had those respite centers that some places have where you can go and stay for a few days to avoid ending up in a hospital. I would go to one of those if I lived in a place that had one of those. But Florida doesn't have any.



  1. Hi Jen,

    You may look foward to seeing your therapist soon and gettng some relief in being able to share your emotions and thoughts, and to not be judged.

    As you know I am not a doctor, but what you've expressed on this blog entry- you need to be honest with yourself and with your therapist, if you haven't already been. Are you ready adjust your meds with the emotional and menta state you are in right now?

    I hate that a lot of people think that way, that we are "wakco" because we have mental illness.

    I know you are in a negative state right now but try to meditate on many of your accomplishments or things that made you feel good about you, especially those things from last year. Hang in there, Jen- help is coming (the your visit to your therapist).

  2. Hi Jen,

    It is Paul (from Australia) again.

    I have left some comments on your blog before.

    I too have schizoaffective disorder; as does my girlfriend, Melanie.

    I really enjoy following and reading your blog.

    I would not want to give you advice regarding medication but I would like to share with you my and Mel's recent experiences with meds.

    18 months ago I was told by a psychiatrist I needed both lithium and epilim to avoid a relapse into a manic/psychotic episode. Because I hate the feeling of being over-medicated and because I had become over 25 kg (55 pounds) over weight and progressed from pre-diabetes to full on diabetes I stopped the lithium, 18 months ago, and just continued with the epilim, but I have not relapsed into mania over the past 18 months.

    I too have also been on risperdal consta (sp?) injections. I was told by psych nurses at community mental health that without these injections or without replacing them with oral risperdal I would relapse into psychosis but I have now (after a gradual reduction of dosage) had no risperdal at all since May last year and I have not relapsed into psychosis since then.

    I know I have taken a risk; I know I have risked a relapse into psychosis but the consequences of diabetes (like getting a leg amputated or losing my eye sight or having a stroke in my 50s) scared me even more than a POSSIBLE relapse into severe moods swings or delusions; episodes of which I have put up with on and off since I was 18. I found it impossible to properly lower my blood sugar levels while on big doses of risperdal, lithium and epilim.

    In May last year when I stopped the risperdal I was 111 kg (about 242 pounds!). Since then I have exercised a LOT and I now weigh 96 kg (about 210 pounds). I have lost over 30 pounds and I feel great about that. I want to get down to 85 kg/ 187 pounds before the end of this year.

    I think there is more to obtaining and maintaining relative sanity than just taking big doses of meds. I have also totally given up alcohol, I walk a LOT and lift weights etc; and most importantly I think being in a happy, loving and supportive relationship have all greatly contributed to me being fairly sane and largely free of symptoms for the past 18 months.

    Early last year my girlfriend Mel was on big doses of zeldox, seroquel and an anti-depressant I can't spell plus 1 other psych med but despite all these meds Mel could still slide into severe depression and still have episodes of hearing voices. BUT for the past 9 months, while only on 300mg seroquel (plus psych/talking therapy) Mel has had some downs but no severe depression and has not heard voices.


    I did not plan to write SO much.

    To sum up I think Mel and I both need some meds but it turns out we have each had what is for us longish periods of stability on significantly lesser meds.

    If I was to this year again relapse into a terrible bout of psychosis and/or mania I would probably accept that I could need lithium and/or risperdal long term on top of the epilim which I have been 100% compliant with. But at the moment I am just going to continue with the eplilim alone (plus total abstinence from alcohol, plus talking therapy and exercise etc) and hope I stay well.

  3. Hi again Jen,

    I think you are great how you both work and study at college.

    BTW- Having read a number of blogs from people in the USA there are often times when I can't help but compare the USA's health and social security system to what we have here in Australia.

    In Australia anyone with a serious mental illness can get a disability pension, which with rent assistance comes to over $850 a fortnight. It is then not too hard to find public/community housing at no higher rent than 30% of your pension or to get highly subsidised rent in the private market . With this and other extras (like reductions in gas, phone, electricity bills etc) being on a disabilty pension is at least about the same financially as having a low paid job; and the minimum wage here is more than double the USA minimum wage; no need for "food stamps" etc. On a disability or old-age pension in Australia you get almost all meds at no more than $5.80 a script. On a pension it is not hard to find doctors who "bulk bill" which means it costs you nothing, Medicare pays for it; a visit to a doctor, a GP or a psychiatrist, is then totally free......on a pension there are NO fees at TAFE colleges and on a pension there is big financial assistance if you want to look for work....and on and on.

    Why can't such a wealthy nation like the USA be more generous (or more just and fair) to disabled people?

    Again, sorry for writing so much. I did not plan to.

    I hope I am not being too pushy but if you'd like to exchange emails sometimes with me or my girlfriend you can contact me at

    Bye for now.

    Paul and Mel.

  4. Hi again Jen,

    I am starting to worry about the possibility I could be becoming a bit manic again based on how much I have written to you and other people tonight and also how much I am exercising lately but still having trouble getting to sleep. It is now past 3 am and I still can't sleep. 2 nights ago I was still awake at 4 am and couldn't sleep so, even though I've had no risperdal since May last year, I took some of my girlfriend's seroquel so I could sleep.

    I will try to stop raving on here but I would really like to tell you something truly bizarre that happened to me. I have had a blog since 2007. Some time ago I was critical of the local mental health service on my blog and I also spoke to and gave some relevant paperwork to a local journalist who ended up (after speaking to many others) writing and publishing a front page newspaper article which was critical of the local mental health service. To cut a long story short some of the abusive mocking comments I received at that time on my blog and a few threatening emails I received were (after my brother complained to the Area Health Service) traced to a male psych nurse who worked at the local mental health service. He was sacked for what he did on the internet and in emails as well as for disclosing confidential health details of clients to his partner and friends. Honest! I swear this is true. Me and my family received an official apology from Area Health.

    Sorry, that is all for now except to say that I ended up becoming friendly with that journalist and she asked me to write an article myself about having a mental illness, which I did, and she had it published in a magazine. You can, if you are interested, read the main parts of this article on my blog by clicking "Paul C" and going to the post on November 25th last year. The post is titled "Inside a broken mind" which was the title the journalist wanted for the article.

    That is FINALLY it, Jen. Until I hear from you; if you are not put off by all I have written here.

    PS If I am not asleep again by 4.30 am I think I will take some more seroquel PRN. My psychiatrist has told me that lack of sleep is completely toxic for anyone with bipolar schizoaffective disorder.

  5. Jen,

    I read your blog far too seldom and I feel badly about that because I would like to offer my support.

    I understand the difference between active suicidality and wanting to be dead/hit by a bus. Both feelings are exhausting and miserable.

    I admire you for working closely and honestly with your doctors and therapists. That can be difficult to do. I have trouble even attending appointments consistently.

    I'm sure you can kick that class's ass doing half the required reading if you need to...and as for the professor? Are you reporting him? What a prat.

    Love & hugs.

  6. Thanks for publishing my comments above.

    Is it OK to ask if you received my earlier comments which have not been published?

    If I was too verbose and raving too much or wrote anything that was inappropriate or annoyed you in those other long comments I am sorry. I can understand if you didn't want to publish ALL that I wrote last night.

    All the best,


  7. first off, don't forget you've been off your topomax, by mistake for at least a few weeks now. that's gotta be affecting your mood and outlook. no wonder you are so down and discouraged. once the levels get back up and running in your system things will feel more manageable i'm sure. i forgot to take my anti-depressant for a few weeks in the middle of the semester and i broke down and started crying in the cafeteria one day.. . and i couldn't figure out why. and then when i looked at my full med bottle i realized.

    secondly... no matter what your weight you are beautiful. i am 47 and a size 20 / 22 ... over 260 pounds. and the guy i just started seeing thinks i'm beautiful and tells me again and again. different guys like different things. my mental illness and weight has not stopped me from finding someone special... and i hope it will not stop you, either. stop looking for the unavailable guys (overseas, married, etc) and know that there is someone waiting to meet you right there in florida. he would be so lucky to have you as a partner!

    glad you are seeing your therapist, and hang in there


    ps that professor sounds like a jerk. ugh.

  8. Thanks everyone for your supportive comments. I appreciate them all. Paul, I published them all as soon as I got the emails about them, and I don't know why they didn't come through earlier. Sorry.

  9. Jen, my aunt struggled with schizoaffective disorder for over ten years and didn't get married until she was in her forties. But now she is happily married with two adorable kids and a lovely house. All these things will come for you!


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