Thursday, December 20, 2012

dumb numb hum drum

I have been in a depressed state lately. This is probably somehow related to my failure to get my Topomax refilled, and the fact I ran out of it sometime last week.

I this this fact combined with the end of the semester at school, and the heinous killings in CT that are constantly on the news every day all the time, and the holidays coming up which are always a time of stress, all combined has led me to feel rather down.

It could be worse. I probably did okay in both my classes. I don't know what my grade is in the law class I took, but my grade in Spanish should be an "A" because I did pretty well in there; it was easy. You just have to memorize a lot right before a test.  That seems to be the key. I also think my professor had emotional problems that led her to be an easy professor to have for Spanish, so I am taking a second Spanish class with the same disturbed professor next semester. Hey, ya gotta do what ya gotta do, right? I am 37, and this is not the prime age to learn a foreign language.

I will be 38 next month. My birthday always, always depresses the hell out of me. I feel like a failure for every year I didn't get a Master's Degree, didn't work full time, didn't own a house, didn't get married, didn't have a baby, didn't write a book, didn't travel the world, and didn't do a zillion other things I wanted to do. Actually, I never cared that much about getting married. But the older I get, the more obvious it is that I'm never getting married. This fact is, in itself, depressing. More depressing is not having true love. I thought I had that a couple months ago, but it apparently was a fleeting thing that maybe wasn't real. At least not to the other person. So that doesn't really count.

I feel really alone sometimes. And it seems like it will always be this way, like I will always be really alone. And it seems like nobody is there who would understand that. 

A couple months ago I thought I was in love with someone who was also in love with me, and I thought I was going to take all the money I could come up with and travel to the ends of the earth to see him and it would somehow work out. It was unrealistic and he didn't really love me at all. We had never met. So now there is nothing really exciting to look forward to, nothing to think of as a great thing for the future. There is no traveling anywhere. because I don't have enough money anyway to do that.

And that's life. Tomorrow I need to do laundry.

5 comments:

In the Pink said...

Oh Jen....I wish I could say something that would shake you out of your depression. Instead of having the mantra in your head of the things you didn't remake a mantra of things you DID! Your comments to me have always filled my heart with warmth and a sense that I can accomplish my goals. You do make me feel better when I am down. You did gain friends this year on blogger, you did keep you post honest and entertaining and fluidly written. If you lived near me we would go out to get lunch and then coffee after. We would sit and laugh about our weaknesses and just be at ease in each others company. You are wonderful and loved. I know I love you so please be kind to yourself my friend.

FrankandMary said...

You wrote:And that's life. Tomorrow I need to do laundry.


I'm not making lite of your pain, but the end to this was comforting in a way. Because that is life...at least as you know it now, & the laundry still needs to be done, & ....then one day it gets a little better, & a little better.

gerald bouthner said...

Hi I enjoy your blog very much. I am glad you were not able to finish your plan what a great loss that would of been . I suffer from severe depression as result of bipolar but have not had any major occurrences of suicidal thoughts. For that I am THANKFUL!

gerald bouthner said...

Hi Jen,

Depression is a terrible illness to have to deal with. I have bipolar disorder and suffer severe depression as result.

I read this article released by research doctors from Michigan State University that was very encouraging and I wanted to send it your way.

A discovery they made could lead to treatment of suicidal thoughts as they seem to have found the root cause of it in the brain. Here it is Countering brain chemical could prevent suicides

Here is another great article on Mental illness and treatment

Dysmonia said...

I relate to the birthday blues: they're a special brand when you're mentally ill and each unaccomplished item on your list isn't just something you haven't done, but something you may never be capable of doing at all.

That bleak statement aside, I find you personally amazing for all that you do. Work, school, advocacy, family, friends -- I hardly do any of these things. Don't forget you are amazing.

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