So then, I talked to Tom at my pharmacy. He's one of the pharmacists who knows me since I practically live at the pharmacy. He said, "Yes, you definitely picked it up on the 29th." I said, "Well, then I've lost it." Uh oh. So today I went to see my doctor at 9:00 AM. I got there on time, even early. But the trouble was, I didn't actually have an appointment with her today. I only had an appointment with the therapist.
So I went home, and called the case manager, who was coming over, (my recovery specialist), to tell her I was going to therapy and I'd be back later, thinking to myself that I would magically get my apartment clean before I went to therapy. This didn't happen. I fell asleep. I woke up in time to get to therapy, but not in time to clean. I also fell asleep last night when I was meaning to clean.
Anyway, when I got to the therapist's office, she was not too thrilled with the fact that I had lost one of my antipsychotics, not to mention the fact that I had no idea when the last time I took it was, except that, according to Walgreens, it must have been October 29th. She immediately got on the phone, and tried to get me some assistance from the medical assistants upstairs. I knew this would do no good anyway. Once Medicare pays for a drug and you lose it, well, you lose it, and it's your problem. Not theirs. I have already had my one "emergency" refill for the year, so there is no way they were going to pay for an extra three-months supply of Navane. I have no idea how much it would cost if I were to pay for it.
I went home, after therapy, and after the therapist reminding me "Don't buy a plane ticket to New Zealand. No plane tickets!". I started frantically trying to straighten up in the 15 minutes I had before the case manager got here. And then I found it. Right down in the crevice between the kitchen counter and the fridge was my plastic bag from Walgreens, with my unopened, never used bottle of Navane, a three-months supply. And I took it immediately.
You see, what's been happening, as I explained to my therapist was, since I haven't been on any Navane at all, I have noticed an increase in the "negative symptoms" side of psychosis, where I will just be sitting and staring off into space, unable to motivate myself to do things, like, say, clean my apartment. It isn't like this all the time, but I have noticed a definite shift in the past week. And I have been living in a mess. So hopefully, finding this drug will be helpful. My doctor plans on taking me off it soon anyway, but she wants to make sure I'm able to be stable without it first. I'm not sure I am yet.
When my case manager/recovery specialist came over, she brought me this great thing. .She had written out a list of positive affirmations for me to tell myself. I was trying to figure out how to write some on my own before, and I wrote about that here. Yet, I had a hard time with this, because I have cripplingly low self-esteem, so it is hard for me to do this kind of thing. But I really like the list she came up with. So if you want some positive affirmations to use for yourself, you can use these to start out with and then write your own. You can put them on note cards, on tape them with sticky notes or little pieces of paper to your mirror or your walls or your computer....Here are mine:
I, Jennifer, want to live.
I, Jennifer, am beautiful.
I, Jennifer, am safe.
I, Jennifer love my life.
My life is worth living.
I, Jennifer, am worthy.
I am going to get some index cards to write them on, and carry them around with me in my purse. Then when I need a self-esteem boost, I will read them.
Also today, I, Jennifer, am happy.