Monday, November 26, 2012

just being friends

Well, I guess you could tell from my my last post that depression has crept into the picture. Oddly, today my recovery specialist came to visit and I failed to even mention this. I was actually just talking a lot about my brother's drinking problem. And she was asking me if I had a vacuum cleaner which was odd, considering I had vacuumed five minutes before she arrived. I really didn't want to talk to her about the New Zealand guy thing because nobody understands it. Nobody thinks you're serious if you tell them you're going to New Zealand to meet your possible soulmate in the first place, so there's no sense in telling anybody when you are no longer in the place where you're all happy and the stars are shining and butterflies are singing fairy songs in your ears because you're so "in love" (which apparently he doesn't think we ever really were, but I beg to differ, because I experienced it).

So anyway, today I decided to try to cheer myself by shopping on Cyber Monday. Everything's on sale, after all, it's the perfect time to do some Christmas shopping without having to venture into a crowded store, and I need a distraction from my life and my job. So that is what I have been doing here at work. Shopping. And working.

At home, to top off all the wonderful things that are happening in my life right now, my freaking modem broke, or something went wrong with my home network so it simply no longer functions. Therefore, I have no internet service at all, except at work, or at the libraries, until further notice. But since I'm feeling a little bit on edge, to put it mildly, I thought I would write another post while I'm here at work.

Thank you to the nice people who responded to my last posts! And Mary, I am grateful for you too. And Aussie guy, that is really cool that you found your true love. And Kate, thanks for your email.

I guess it is possible to try to be friends with someone after you thought you were in love with them, and they said they were in love with you, but I find this concept hard to fathom. It reminds me very much of Kevin, since it is basically an identical situation to my life, circa 1997. That was when I fell in love with Kevin, via email, and phone calls (there was no Skype then), and he sent me a dozen roses, and told me he loved me and he was going to come to Florida, and I sent him postcards with pictures of the tacky tourist attractions, and then, and then, and then, he said, "I think we should just be friends." Right. That's what he said.

Then I wanted to crawl under a rock, because he was quite literally the first guy I ever fell for, and he was the first one who ever broke my heart. But you know what I did, so brilliantly? I decided to stay obsessively attached to him for 15 years!! That was my brilliant solution to his decision to no longer speak to me on the phone. Despite his refusal to even response to most of my emails, despite that he had been recently released from prison, despite that he had girlfriends he lived with over the years, despite all that, and despite that I knew he did NOT love me AT ALL EVER, I stayed obsessed. I thought he was the love of my life. It wasn't until 2008 that we stopped talking, after I made a complete jackass out of myself by saying something to his girlfriend online (this was not one of the finer moments in my life) at which point he compltely cut me off and would have nothing at all to do with me ever. But then just two months ago I tried to strike up a conversation with him again, only to be told that I was too crazy for him and he didn't want to talk to me again, again.

Yeah, that is how this has worked out for me in the past when someone I thought I was in love with, over the internet, decided to just be friends. He also treated me like shit the entire time I knew him. So I decided a very long time ago that I wasn't signing up for that hayride again. Ever.

So even though I adore this person in New Zealand, I don't know how to be his friend, because I like him too much, I mean I still feel like I love him, and he most certainly doesn't feel that way about me, so I am a loser in this situation. And it makes me hate myself, because it feels like Kevin all over again.

I wish I had a normal person's brain.

1 comment:

  1. Whether your mind is 'normal' or not is not the point, he's the one who pulled the rug out from under you, how are you supposed to feel about that? You may not have met him, but you obviously felt you were really in tune with, and connected on a level that is deeper than the physical. Of course you're going to feel like this, feel let down, disappointed, not quite sure how to continue. It's their lack of care that hurts the most, it really is one of the cruelest things when you feel something so positive to have it taken away.

    I'm not sure how, but you're going to have to think of a way to disconnect, gain your own momentum and strength. Move upwards and onwards, although of course it is easier said than done. I'm sure we've all been guilty of the same when someone piques our interest, being in an emotional state feeds that obsession because you're putting them on an impossible pedestal they can never live up to.

    Keep on keeping on, and look after you x


I welcome comments from all readers and encourage you to leave them! Please do. However, due to spam, I review each comment before it can be posted, so it may take 24-48 hours before your comment appears on the blog. Please be patient. I post comments that are not spam.Note: my definition of "spam" includes ALL links to sites claiming to cure or provide "the solution" for incurable diseases such as Schizoaffective Disorder and Schizophrenia. Vulnerable people come to my blog, and I will not let them be preyed upon, but people who post snake oil remedies on the internets. Take your garbage and peddle it elsewhere. Since Blogger doesn't weed all that garbage out, I've been doing it myself for years.