Wednesday, November 14, 2012

everything seemed to be sort of okay....

Last night, things went really well when I spoke to the NAMI Pinellas Family to Family class, where the people were really kind and very receptive. I got lots of hugs from them after I told my story, and they said things like, "You are amazing. I'm so glad you're still alive. Thank you for coming to tell us your story!" and "You are beautiful". It was really heart-warming, especially since, in my own family, there is nobody who would ever take the time to sit through a 12 week course on mental illness in order to be a better support person to me, which is what those people are doing for their family members.

There was one mishap, in that I locked my keys in my car, right before it was time to do my speech, so I had to call AAA, and have a locksmith break the car open. But no big deal.

And  then there is the love story saga. You see, I have totally fallen in love with this New Zealander. I know how ridiculous it sounds. "You've never met him!". I know. He's never met me. I know. It all sounds really silly. But he is really sweet, and kind, and funny, very funny, and smart, and interesting, and compassionate, and most importantly we relate on the level of both having lived with Schizoaffective Disorder for many years, and with being misunderstood by other people for having it.

But now, apparently, he's not talking to me. I don't know how long this is going to last; so far it's been about 36 hours. Before that we were talking several times a day on email and texts, if not on the phone. The phone calls are extremely expensive, and I simply can't afford to keep paying for that, so I had to tell him I couldn't call again right away. And then I started figuring out stuff with my bank account, and my college schedule, and my courses that I have to finish to graduate, and I really realized - there is no way I can afford to pay for the rest of my college degree. I simply lack the funds.

So this is EXTREMELY disheartening right now. And on top of that, if I can't afford to finish college, how can I afford to go to New Zealand, to see this soulmate who found me through my blog?

The only thing I can do is take out another loan, but I'm already in a lot of debt, so that wouldn't be wise at all. I would do it though, because I really wanted to do it. I really wanted to go there, and to see New Zealand, to travel around the world, and to meet him in person, and to hold his hand and see him smile, and give him a kiss, and I really wanted to have that whole experience of being around somebody that I was really crazy about (I hate the word "crazy"), but then......what happens when I have to go home?? What happens when I have to get back on a plane and realize that I'll probably never see NZ again?

I'm pretty upset over all this. It's all extremely disappointing and disheartening, and I lost my Prozac, so I am depressed anyway, and things are just looking downhill right now. I feel very alone. And I think I'm always going to be completely, utterly alone.

My heart hurts.


  1. the lots of contact/no contact thing should be a red flag. a big red flag. internet romances can be so quick to develop deeply, but i have found the intimacy to be a false one... not built slowly and carefully like we do IRL. don't give up hope. he may not be the one for you, but you are a good catch, indeed, and as my grandma used to say "there is a lid for every pot..." :-) not that i'm calling you a pot. maybe you are the lid!!

    as for tuition, i can relate, i am SO broke. money will come through for school (bursaries, another grant, a windfall, a scholarship...) and you are so close to being finished. pop by financial aid and see if there are any new bursaries/scholarships you can apply for. there are always ongoing deadlines.

    i started a new blog on thrifty cooking, maybe some recipes there will help with your budget:


  2. Jen,

    Call your doctor and get a refill on the prozac. It won't be hard because it's not a controlled substance.

    Take out the loan and finish your degree and go to New Zealand. You may find that you want to stay there and not come home.

    It's said that if you are afraid to do something, do it. Life is nothing if we don't take risks to make ourselves happy.


  3. some things to think about.
    Why isnt he paying for the calls or offering to come here to see you?
    Of course a vacation to a wonderful place is great and to boot meeting the one your in love with is all great, butttt if your going to do it I would wait til you can do so without getting a loan.

    On the positive. im so happy to have found your blog!!
    I cannot wait to read more.
    Give yourself a big hug! :-) <3


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