Sunday, November 25, 2012

death

The other day, I was having dinner with my mom, and she said, "I don't want you to get all involved with this New Zealand guy and then get suicidal if it doesn't work out."

It didn't work out.

He just wants to be friends now. On other continents. So, yeah. I woke up today wanting to die. Actually, to be more accurate, saying out loud, "I want to die." I'm not suicidal though. I refuse to kill myself over a guy, that would be pathetic. I'm just really depressed.

I think I'm going to be alone forever. I knew that I was likely to get my heart broken in this doomed situation, but I wanted so badly to believe him that he really loved me, and that he really meant the good things he said about me, because no one else ever says that they really love me in a romantic way or anything like that. And I guess I was dumb enough to fall for it, because I was lonely, and I'm pathetic. And it was stupid, and now it's over, and here I am alone thinking about what an idiot I am and how I just wish I was dead.

Because who wants to date an overweight Schizophrenic? Not a lot of people frankly do. Not in my experience. And I have not dated anybody in five years. It's not looking like I'm ever going to find any real love or romance that isn't some sort of joke or facade that the person is faking. He told me it had been "infatuation", which I thought was interesting. Anyway, I don't feel like saying anything nice right now, so I'm not going to say anything else. I'm just really not in a good mood.

2 comments:

catherine said...

oh i'm so sorry. don't be so hard on yourself... we all want to be loved. it doesn't make you stupid or any of those things that you are calling yourself.

as for the future... who knows. i said to my therapist last year that i'd never imagine finding love (my last relationship was 1998) and she said "just look at the other things you couldn't imagine in the past few years"... like staying alive (letting go of suicide attempts and ideation), and healing from abuse, and showing my art in galleries... these things, beyond my imagination, have happened. and so, just maybe, love will happen too.

never give up. you are a beautiful person and deserve only beautiful things in your life.

Paul C said...

I am a 49 year old male, I am over-weight and I have suffered episodes of bipolar schizoaffective disorder for almost 30 years.

In May last year I met a woman about 10 years younger than me, who is also over-weight and who also has had episodes of schizoaffective disorder.

We met in a psych ward in Sydney (Australia) and we have now been a couple and happily in love for about 18 months now.

Before I met Melanie I was alone and single for many years.

For many years I would never have thought it was possible I would find a partner like Mel and end up in a very happy, loving relationship as I approach 50.

But it happened.

Don't give up hope! You never know what good things might happen in the future.

BTW- I really enjoy reading your blog.

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