Saturday, October 06, 2012

To my ignorant relatives

I have to get something off my chest. I am sick of my extended family treating me like I am an embarrassing outcast. I am sick of people who do not know me but whom I have the misfortune of being related to by blood, thinking they are superior to me, when THEY DO NOT KNOW ME. They don't try to get to know me. They don't talk to me. They never have. They don't live near me, and if they did, it wouldn't matter, because I used to live in Baltimore where they all live, and these people didn't bother to talk to me then either. I am sick to death of these people influencing how I feel about myself.

Further, I am sick of my father being ashamed I exist. What the hell did I ever do to deserve that? I know exactly what I did wrong. I had a delusion that he had molested me. I was afraid he was going to kill me. I called the police on him, and I reported him. He got investigated. TEN YEARS AGO. Yeah; that was ten years ago, and I am still not forgiven for it. What do I have to do? I already tried to shoot myself in the head, was that not enough to prove I hated myself? Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah, and I wasn't hallucinating the part where he held his fist up to my face.

My father came, to the police car, when I was in handcuffs and the police had accosted me with a gun that was loaded because I was going to blow my head off with it, and he cried. Because he was drunk, since he's an alcoholic and always has been one. I said, "Would you please visit me in the hospital, Dad?" And he actually did. Twice. I was in there for five months. That was in 2005. I thought, oh, he's forgiving me! I thought, oh, he'll talk to me now! But do I ever hear from my dad? No. Does he ever call me? No. Does he ever want to see me? No. He took eight people on a cruise to the Bahamas a few months ago. Do you think I got invited? Of course not. Neither did my brother and sister who he's ashamed of because they're not perfect enough for him either.

My family is full of self righteous Republicans who hate me becaues I am not like them. I dare to be myself, and I am different from them. I have also had a hellish life that they didn't hasve, and they don't know the first damn thing about that. Because they don't care. Why do I ever have to care what any of these people think of me? I shouldn't. These are people who get married (my cousins) and don't invite me to their weddings. Then they want to start political arguments with me on Facebook because they don't like my posts?? Screw them. Screw that.

I flat out told my cousin's wife on Facebook tonight, "I have a part time job that pays $9.81 an hour because I have Schizophrenia, so no I can't afford to fund PBS and yes I do think the government can." I never say stuff about my illness on Facebook. My relatives don't know about it, and when I have tried to tell them, they showed absolutely no interest or care about it at all. So I just flat out told her. And I don't care what this cousin's wife who doesn't know me thinks about me, but what kills me, what kills me is that I have all these relatives who have their little Republican conservative club and they think they are so much better, so superior to me, an they make me SICK.

Yeah, I live off the government. I also work. I also do volunteer work for two organizations on a regular  - sometimes dailyh -basis. I also try to help out my fellow humans when possible. But no, I wasn't in the militaryh. I am not married. I do not have children. I do not hasvre a bachelor's degree yet. I am a failure by all those standards. But they're not MY GODDAMN STANDARDS. They're YOURS. You people who want to judge me and think you are so much more accomplished than I am. Here, you want to try this brain on for size? TAKE THIS FUCKING BRAIN! See how you live, how succesful you are, how skinny you are, how energetic you are, how accomplished you are, and how many people want to marry you and have babies with you after you have THIS fucking brain. Try it. I dare you.

Yeah, nobody would take me up on that offer would they? What a surprise. They wouldn't last two minutes in their naive little cacoons of ignorance if they had to deal with psychosis. They don't know what psychosis EVEN IS!!! Hello? Has my dad ever told anybody in my family that I even have Schizoaffective Disorder/ Schizophrenia. No, probably not. So I get judged for being a big, fat, ugly, unmarried, childless failure with no full time job and no bachelor's degree. And nobody knows why. Screw it, I'll tell you why. Try this brain on for size and then you judge me, you heartless bastards. I am sick of allowing your judgement of me to make me hate my own self. I don't deserve to have to hate myself. So screw you.

Yes, this is an angry post. No, I am not normally like this.

4 comments:

beyondmeds.com said...

I hear you. It's very healthy to express this stuff...everyone feels angry sometime...and processing it in non-destructive ways is very important.

one brave duck said...

let it all out! i have the same messed up relationship with my family. my dad denies i have a mental illness, he just thinks i'm lazy. when i'm not sad about it, i'm angry.... thank you for putting into words what i have not been able to, thus far...

bipolarmoms said...

It's hard not to be down on yourself when other people are continuously judging you by their superficial standards of what makes you a success. Every day has its own challenges and nobody can know how much it takes for you to keep going until they've walked a mile in your shoes. Walk tall; you have every reason to be proud of your accomplishments.

Kate Kiernan said...

Hi Jen! You know what, my family would love you. I know if I were doing half of what you are doing my whole family would be proud. I'm glad that you're standing up for yourself. It has helped me in the past work with negative voices to realize that they (and some members of your family) were sicker than I was. This helped me to not internalize their sickness, including a sense of shame, and to start to see that I was a good person regardless of what they said about me. I think you are not just a good person, but a great person. It's good to vent sometimes. : )

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