Monday, October 22, 2012

The good, the bad, and the ugly

The good.......

Last night I took a bath. This is a real plus these days.

I have ALL clean laundry now, and it is ALL folded and put away.

I am wearing a nice dress. The new caseworker and the two people who work behind the counter at the Subway I go to a lot told me I looked really nice in it. This is a plus, because last week I was wearing dirty clothes I picked up off my bathroom floor. Yeah.

I am wearing make up, including eye shadow and blush. I am a feminist; I'm not saying you need make up. But what I am saying is, I happen to like how I look in make up, and the fact I have worn none much of the time in recent months is a sign that I have been unwell. So today I am doing better.

My apartment is really, really clean.

The bad........

I still think this guy emailing me is a CIA agent.

I've been thinking this for weeks, even though I have been emailing with him every day.

This is really disconcerting.

My apartment was so disgusting I almost got evicted for it. This is pathetic.

I couldn't clean without the assistance of my friend telling me, "Put this there. Put this here. Straighten this. Mop this." Because I can get dressed and put on make up but I can't make my brain work.

I'm sick and tired of people trying to get government secrets from me on the phone at my job.

Mild auditory hallucinations are still annoying.

I think a lot about obsessive things.

I spend inordinate amounts of time staring into space........straight ahead.........looking at the wall........doing nothing.........just breathing.

The ugly.........

I'm 37, when is life going to get better than this?

I don't think I can function well enough to study abroad even if I could get a scholarship to go.

I don't think I can function enough to apply for a scholarship to go to study abroad, so the point is all mute.

I had to admit to the case worker today that all I have been eating is fast food and it is not just because I do not know how to cook. I didn't really mention that it is because I do not CARE to know how to cook.

I am never going to find a husband, and my whole family thinks I'm a lesbian, which is fine really, because I don't care what they think, and I have nothing but love for gay people, but the fact of the matter is I've never dated a woman before. So the thing is, I'm sick of people judging me for NOT having a stupid BOYFRIEND all the goddamn TIME.

The truth is I couldn't care less if I ever have a boyfriend again most of the time.

Sometimes I still think there's a microchip in my body the CIA is using to monitor me, and there are voice recorders in my car.

I guess this is enough for now.


  1. I'm very happy about the good...& I wish I could help with the bad.

    You have my number & we have talked before...but I feel right now it just might make you suspicious of me. I wish I could help.

  2. I too am happy for the good. The bad can get better but it does suck that so many stressful things have been happening to you. As far as not having a boyfriend goes...that can wait. But your paranoid thinking is out of hand and I hope you call a doctor. I am hoping the best for you. Oh and just curious, what did the dress look like? :-)

  3. Thanks, Mary. Maybe I will call you sometime when I am not as paranoid.

    Thanks, Afton. Here is the dress:

    I bought it when it was on sale. :)

  4. Hi, I've been diagnosed schizoaffective but believe it is spiritual people just trying to drive me to complete insanity. It feels like demons, I've seen people controlled like puppets and stuff but I know they are not really demons. Voices absolutely drive me mad though, I often spend days laying in bed and tried suicide a few months ago but was caught.

    I like your website and might use some of your topics on my site sometime since I don't have a broad coverage of ideas for mine. I never finished school and am right now mostly concerned about losing all the weight I have gained. You can see my website at


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