Monday, October 22, 2012

The good, the bad, and the ugly



The good.......

Last night I took a bath. This is a real plus these days.

I have ALL clean laundry now, and it is ALL folded and put away.

I am wearing a nice dress. The new caseworker and the two people who work behind the counter at the Subway I go to a lot told me I looked really nice in it. This is a plus, because last week I was wearing dirty clothes I picked up off my bathroom floor. Yeah.

I am wearing make up, including eye shadow and blush. I am a feminist; I'm not saying you need make up. But what I am saying is, I happen to like how I look in make up, and the fact I have worn none much of the time in recent months is a sign that I have been unwell. So today I am doing better.

My apartment is really, really clean.



The bad........

I still think this guy emailing me is a CIA agent.

I've been thinking this for weeks, even though I have been emailing with him every day.

This is really disconcerting.

My apartment was so disgusting I almost got evicted for it. This is pathetic.

I couldn't clean without the assistance of my friend telling me, "Put this there. Put this here. Straighten this. Mop this." Because I can get dressed and put on make up but I can't make my brain work.

I'm sick and tired of people trying to get government secrets from me on the phone at my job.

Mild auditory hallucinations are still annoying.

I think a lot about obsessive things.

I spend inordinate amounts of time staring into space........straight ahead.........looking at the wall........doing nothing.........just breathing.


The ugly.........

I'm 37, when is life going to get better than this?

I don't think I can function well enough to study abroad even if I could get a scholarship to go.

I don't think I can function enough to apply for a scholarship to go to study abroad, so the point is all mute.

I had to admit to the case worker today that all I have been eating is fast food and it is not just because I do not know how to cook. I didn't really mention that it is because I do not CARE to know how to cook.

I am never going to find a husband, and my whole family thinks I'm a lesbian, which is fine really, because I don't care what they think, and I have nothing but love for gay people, but the fact of the matter is I've never dated a woman before. So the thing is, I'm sick of people judging me for NOT having a stupid BOYFRIEND all the goddamn TIME.

The truth is I couldn't care less if I ever have a boyfriend again most of the time.

Sometimes I still think there's a microchip in my body the CIA is using to monitor me, and there are voice recorders in my car.

I guess this is enough for now.



4 comments:

FrankandMary said...

I'm very happy about the good...& I wish I could help with the bad.

You have my number & we have talked before...but I feel right now it just might make you suspicious of me. I wish I could help.

In the Pink said...

I too am happy for the good. The bad can get better but it does suck that so many stressful things have been happening to you. As far as not having a boyfriend goes...that can wait. But your paranoid thinking is out of hand and I hope you call a doctor. I am hoping the best for you. Oh and just curious, what did the dress look like? :-)

Jen Daisybee said...

Thanks, Mary. Maybe I will call you sometime when I am not as paranoid.

Thanks, Afton. Here is the dress:
http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/style-co.-plus-size-dress-sleeveless-colorblocked-a-line?ID=700266&CategoryID=37038&RVI=PDP_2

I bought it when it was on sale. :)

Situation10 said...

Hi, I've been diagnosed schizoaffective but believe it is spiritual people just trying to drive me to complete insanity. It feels like demons, I've seen people controlled like puppets and stuff but I know they are not really demons. Voices absolutely drive me mad though, I often spend days laying in bed and tried suicide a few months ago but was caught.

I like your website and might use some of your topics on my site sometime since I don't have a broad coverage of ideas for mine. I never finished school and am right now mostly concerned about losing all the weight I have gained. You can see my website at http://www.poolofreflection.com

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