Last night I took a bath. This is a real plus these days.
I have ALL clean laundry now, and it is ALL folded and put away.
I am wearing a nice dress. The new caseworker and the two people who work behind the counter at the Subway I go to a lot told me I looked really nice in it. This is a plus, because last week I was wearing dirty clothes I picked up off my bathroom floor. Yeah.
I am wearing make up, including eye shadow and blush. I am a feminist; I'm not saying you need make up. But what I am saying is, I happen to like how I look in make up, and the fact I have worn none much of the time in recent months is a sign that I have been unwell. So today I am doing better.
My apartment is really, really clean.
I still think this guy emailing me is a CIA agent.
I've been thinking this for weeks, even though I have been emailing with him every day.
This is really disconcerting.
My apartment was so disgusting I almost got evicted for it. This is pathetic.
I couldn't clean without the assistance of my friend telling me, "Put this there. Put this here. Straighten this. Mop this." Because I can get dressed and put on make up but I can't make my brain work.
I'm sick and tired of people trying to get government secrets from me on the phone at my job.
Mild auditory hallucinations are still annoying.
I think a lot about obsessive things.
I spend inordinate amounts of time staring into space........straight ahead.........looking at the wall........doing nothing.........just breathing.
I'm 37, when is life going to get better than this?
I don't think I can function well enough to study abroad even if I could get a scholarship to go.
I don't think I can function enough to apply for a scholarship to go to study abroad, so the point is all mute.
I had to admit to the case worker today that all I have been eating is fast food and it is not just because I do not know how to cook. I didn't really mention that it is because I do not CARE to know how to cook.
I am never going to find a husband, and my whole family thinks I'm a lesbian, which is fine really, because I don't care what they think, and I have nothing but love for gay people, but the fact of the matter is I've never dated a woman before. So the thing is, I'm sick of people judging me for NOT having a stupid BOYFRIEND all the goddamn TIME.
The truth is I couldn't care less if I ever have a boyfriend again most of the time.
Sometimes I still think there's a microchip in my body the CIA is using to monitor me, and there are voice recorders in my car.
I guess this is enough for now.