Every year at the NAMI picnic they give out the Iris Awards, which are named after Vincent Van Gogh's painting of the Irises. I got one two years ago. This year my doctor got one, not the current doctor, but the one I had who I really liked who left. I had recommended him for the award, and so did another patient of his, who I know. He wasn't at the picnic, but I was glad he won the award. Other people who got the award were police officers who prevented suicides, and advocates in mental health.
Then I got home and had to face finishing my midterm. I just finally got it done. It's not really good. There is no way I will get an A, or probably even a B. But I think it will pass. And I guess that is all that really matters. I mean, it's not all that really matters, because in order to keep getting scholarships and stuff like that I need to get an A, but I can't get an A right now. My brain isn't working. It took me two days to do this midterm. And it's hardly done well enough to pass.
But I made myself do it.
And that is what counts.
I still feel like it would be easy to curl up in a ball on the floor and die right now, but I am trying to just get through this. Somehow I will get through. I might end up in the hospital, but I am going to survive.
Someone (one brave duck) asked in the comments if I could get a nurse. The thing is in the U.S., at least where I live, there are no nurses at the community mental health center or visiting nurse programs for people with mental illnesses. However, there is a program, which my friend Tracey works for where a person who will be like a "coach" will come to visit you at home. So I emailed her and told her that I was wondering if there was any room in there program for another person, because I kind of need some help.
So, I'll see what happens with that. I really, really need to clean my apartment. I am just totally, utterly overwhelmed by it.