Sunday, October 07, 2012

my disastrous life

I have been having this thing happen where I feel totally emotionless and flat like a piece of wood. I can never figure out if it's the Navane doing it (probably), or if it's the "negative" side of psychosis, the symptoms where you become apathetic and motionless. Today it got worse, and I am just downright miserable, and doing absolutely nothing, accomplishing nothing, the same way that I spent the entire weekend two weeks ago - doing nothing. When I get like this I will think, "I'm just really tired", or I will think, "I'm overwhelmed", but there is no logical rhyme or reason, no logical explanation for what occurs. Which is nothing. Nothing occurs. I am just a big ball of nothingness.

And that is all.

This is what I accomplished today: Around 5 PM I decided to go out and get some food. I didn't go to the food store, because I didn't want to do anything that complicated. So I just went to a sandwich shop and got a sub. And then I finally called back my mom who had been calling me non stop all day to borrow money from me, so I could tell her, "Yes, I'll lend you some money". As usual. This always happens. My entire life is very repetitive. My mom always ends up broke, and even though her income is three or four times the size of my income, she always asks me for money. And I always end up giving it to her.

But this time I was angry. "You're angry," she said. "You probably shouldn't give it to me then." We're at the freakin' ATM at the freakin' bank, where I freakin' drove to give her money and she is going to pretend like she doesn't want it. Of course she takes it anyway. I end up yelling at her to get away from me so I can leave. I am really pissed off. I don't even know why I'm pissed off. I just know I am. I resent her, deeply. She has me to rely on; she has her mother to rely  on; she has my sister and my brother to rely on. I have NOBODY to ever rely on for anything like financial help. Nobody. So if I'm broke, who do you think I call? MYSELF. I have no help to call. But my mom, well, she just picks up the phone and someone bails her out. Every goddamn time. She spends a lot of time shopping. Are you surprised? She lives in a house where she doesn't have to pay the mortgage; her parents paid it for her. My parents didn't even care if I ever went to college. Seriously. They didn't care. I'm not feeling sorry for myself for this; it's just the fact of the matter. I am more of a mother to my mother than she has ever been to me. I always have been. Ask anybody who really knows us, and they'll tell you that.

What else did I do today? Oh, I watched a Lifetime movie. That is really a sign that things have gone downhill because I totally hate Lifetime movies. When I lived in the group home for women where I lived six years ago, all they ever had on the TV was Lifetime or the religion channel. I hated them both with a passion. There was always some woman getting stabbed to death by her fiance on the TV. Every single day for ten months. That's how long I lived in that hellhole. Ten months. It drove me mad. But then being mad was how I got there so, whatever.


So I watched this Lifetime movie about this girl who got kidnapped when she wan infant and raised by the woman who kidnapped her. When I was a kid, I used to fantasize that my real mother was Princess Diana, and she had just left me to my parents to take care of for a while, but she was coming back to get me. I recall telling people this. I even had a fake English accent for a while. I guess I was ten or eleven. I don't know.

I'm so tired of my pathetic life. I'm surrounded by leaches. Pretty much everybody in my family has asked me for money at one time or another. My neighbor downstairs is always asking me for a couple bucks. My friend who I go to the movies with is annoying in her constant bitching about how poor she is (but she has no job and hasn't had one in about 15 years).  I'm sick of people.

I'm sick of myself.

I'm sick of feeling like a failure. I'm sick of wishing I had a romantic relationship or something. I'm sick of wishing I could have had a child. I'm sick of wishing I had a Master's Degree already. I'm sick of wishing I could ever get a Master's Degree. I'm sick of lying aorund staring at the wall.

Sometimes, I just lie on the couch with my back to the TV. I tell myself I'm listening to the TV, but really I'm just vegetating. Just being a vegetable. Just breathing. I can't make myself watch the TV at those times. It is too much of an effort.

My apartment is a disaster again. I have no food. The cat litter box needs to be changed badly. I don't care. I couldn't make myself  go to the store today. Nothing matters. My medication is OBVIOUSLY NOT WORKING. And it doesn't matter. Because it's never going to work. I am always going to be a failure.

I started emailing this guy who I used to be obsessed with. I told myself I was just going to say hello, but really I was reverting to an ancient pattern I had of trying to get him to talk to me when he never will. It is beyond pathetic. I don't even know how to describe it. I guess I am lonely but not really because if I was really lonely I would probably want to talk to someone and mostly I just want to be left the hell alone.

Horrible things have been coming to my mind, and I don't know why. Thoughts  of blood and gore and cutting myself and fears that I could hurt someone else.  I feel quite sure Navane is not a good medication for me. I decreased my dosage on my own, but I should probably just stop taking it. Nothing good is coming from it.  I don't have the urge to hurt anybody, or even to hurt my own self, but I have this paranoia that I'm going to do something to someone. It comes out of my obsessive paranoid brain.

I'm sick of my life. Every time I hear police sirens, ever single time, which is every single day, I think they are coming to get me. Every time I don't answer the phone when my mom calls, I trhink she is going to call the cops. I think that they are going to kicki me out of my apartment because it is such as mess. I think I am getting evicted. I thjink I am going to be locked up in the hospital again.

I'm going to fail my midterm for my law class. It's inevitable because I can't read the books. I can't fake it enough to get through a midterm. I'm going to fail it. And then I'm going to want to die. I thought I was going to fail my Spanish midterm the other day, but it turned out to be really easy. So i should have been happy, but I wasn't happy. I can't feel happy anymore. I can't feel anything good. I made myself meet my friend at the movies last night, but she was just annoying and I didn't want to be around her, so I went straight home after the movie. I didn't care.I bought a tiara and a magic wand for my neighbor's daughter who visits him sometimes because she thinks she and I are both princesses. But I am emotionless. I am not totally emotionless, though, because I'm disgusted and angry. I have gone to work several times in the past two weeks wearing no make up. Something I never do. I have been only taking a shower like twice a week. I don't care. Nothing matters.  There is no food in my apartment but frozen Lean Cuisines. I don't even want to eat that. I don't care. Nothing matters. Something is really wrong with me. But this is how I always get. It always comes down to this, this horrid state of disrepair.

I don't understand why I am such a screwed up person. Surely it is my personality that is the problem, and not just an illness. Surely I am to blame for this.  Why would the medications never work? I went to get my shot yesterday and they screwed up and told me it was a week too soon to give it to me, but I know that girl was wrong because I didn't get it last week. So now that is probably compounding the problem.

Everything is just a pointless wreck.

Honestly I have only been taking a shower like once every five or six days. My hair is greasy and gross, and I have body odor. This is not normal to live like this.

It would really help if I knew if it was the medication or the illness that was causing this.






2 comments:

beetrootsoup said...

Hello again Jen. I feel for you. I get attacks of depression plus awful fatigue, where I'm left with the horrible dilemma of being unable to do the things (like getting out and seeing people) that would actually make me feel better. Having gone down with a cold I actually feel like that today, but minus the grinding depression.

When I'm down and out I often question and doubt myself as you are doing. I feel I must be in some way to blame for the state i'm in. It seems too facile to explain it away as a bipolar symptom. I have often researched other disorders online to try and diagnose myself...usually in vain lol. So I'm left with feeling morally suspect and fatally flawed in some vague, unspecified way. Which does nothing for my general mood and self-esteem of course.

I have to say your Mom sounds like a complete nightmare. I'm not at all surprised you're angry and pissed off. I've had a 'leech' attached to me for the last couple years, so I know how resentful you must feel. How unfair is it that your Mom is a spendthrift who always has someone to turn to for money, when her income should be perfectly adequate for her needs.

I can't help thinking that you suffered from having been your 'Mom's Mom' even as a child. This can really fuck you up and may account for some of your more self-destructive patterns. As I say I TOTALLY understand your anger at her, and I thought that list you made of things you wish you could tell her was incredibly astute and brilliantly worded. It was so clearly the product of much bitter experience! Yet it was something that so many of us can relate to...whether as the negative person or their unfortunate victim!

You're a great person Jen, and you deserve better! Life can really suck at times. What can I say!

Zoe x

SLG said...

I just wanted to chime in that you have legitimate reasons to be pissed off and frustrated and fed up with lots of things. Your anger and sadness (at least some of it) is not irrational. Any reasonable person would be upset and struggling if they were going through what you're going through.

I also want to point out that for as messed up as everything seems right now, you always have this amazing ability to come to this blog and lay everything out. You know something is wrong. You have a good knack for trying to figure out if your medication or your illness are affecting your perceptions, your emotions, and your general thought patterns. That is not an easy skill to learn, and you are really good at it, even if sometimes you can't tell for sure. (In fact, I don't know if I know anyone as good at reflecting on their own mental state and well-being as you are.)

I think you know at heart that you are not the problem. You're not a screwed up person; you're a person that a lot of screwed up things have happened to. And even if you don't always feel like you know this, just tell yourself anyway. (Fake it til you make it) =)

Also, I think one thing should be added to the list of stuff you accomplished today: you blogged!

I hope you're able to talk to someone soon about your medication and symptoms. You've shown that you're a fighter, so fight like hell for what you think you need.

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