Sunday, October 21, 2012

Function, self, function, cuz it's a hard knock life.

So, my apartment is clean now. Much thanks go to my friend K. who came over yesterday and helped. She has offered to help before, but I said no, because it was too embarrassing. This time I said yes, so that was probably good. She is the only friend I have who would do my laundry for me or wash my dishes, and the only one I'd allow to do it. So, embarrassing or not, it helped. She also has what she calls "undiagnosed OCD" making her a real neat-nick, so she is obsessed with organizing things perfectly. I will never find my cereal again, because it's where it should be, in some cupboard, but I appreciated this assistance. I said, "K., if that's how OCD affects you, I wish it affected me the same way". She says I should come see her closets sometime, because all of her clothing is in order by color and probably by alphabetical names or something, I don't know. When she started wanting to organize my closet at 11 PM, I was finally like, "OK, I think we've done ENOUGH NOW!!" because that was simply more than I could handle. I was really tired.

Part of my trouble with housework is that, even when I can mentally wrap my mind around what needs to be done, I physically get exhausted and in severe pain before it's ever done. Thanks to freakin' Fibromyalgia, the simple tasks like vaccuuming or mopping that should be easy, are not easy at all. They are actually really hard for me to do. So that is why I resorted to asking for help. First I got help from my case manager who came by Friday to visit me. I got started because, with her here, and her knowing the situation with the landlord, obviously I could not continue sitting and staring at the wall, so I forced myself to get started. Then later that day, my mom came over. But that wasn't exactly helpful. Per usual, she just spent the entire time screaming at me. Things like, "You are going to end up on the streets when they evict you and you are NOT coming to live with ME EVER!!!" No, really? I was just dying to live with a maniac who verbally abused me all my life. Please, can't I live with you? Heh.

She also said, the always helpful, "You are NOT right in the head and you need a new PSYCHIATRIST because YOUR DOCTOR OBVIOUSLY DOES NOT KNOW WHAT SHE IS DOING!!!"

This is coming from a person who, just a week ago, started screaming at total strangers in a movie theater for taking the seats she wanted, and telling a man, "YOU ARE AN IGNORANT PERSON!!!"

But later she did say to me, "I remember all the years when my house was such a mess we couldn't have people over, and when you were growing up and no one could come over." So she recalls that she has often been just as much a slob as I am. And nobody ever screamed at her about it.

Anyway, the point is my place is pretty well clean now. And yesterday, I forced myself to go to this rally where Gloria Steinem was speaking, because she has been a role model to me for much of my life. But I have to really force myself to do things, because I am so apathetic, I don't really care to do anything at all. I am still not sure if the apathy is from psychosis or depression. I just feel rather dead. I have a lot of work to do for school, too, and I have to force myself to get that done somehow. But the good part about school is that on my legal brief for my law class, which I thought was terrible, I got a "B", and my professor told me, if I hadn't totally forgotten to do two sections of it, I would have had a perfect score. So that was good, I guess.

The main problem right now is that I am stuck in a state of stasis, where it is like I need an injection of jet fuel to get me moving. I feel like I could just sit and think for days, without doing anything at all, and it wouldn't bother me. I am slowed down. I wish I knew what was causing this. Well, time to go force myself to do some more work. There is still more housework to do. "It's a hard knock life, for us..." (Annie was my favorite movie in the 80's).

Thank you for your comments on my recent posts!


  1. See? A "B" ... that's awesome!!! I am getting B's at the moment, too. Part of me is frustrated, 'cos I know if I was operating on all cylinders I would be getting better marks... and part of me is super grateful!

    And good job on the apartment. Can you send your friend over here???

  2. Sure, I will send my friend to Canada. I don't know if she can afford the airfare but she seems to enjoy helping people clean, so she probably wouldn't mind going on a trip to visit you!

  3. You should be very proud of yourself for reaching out for help .Congrats, on your B and for also getting your apartment clean


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