Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Dreaming the impossible dream can be a waste of time




A few years ago, I wrote a post about a guy named Kevin which I didn't delete like I deleted all the other posts I wrote about him, various and sundry though they were.

So here's the thing. The saga with my mental illness coincided a lot with the invention of the internet. The internet came into my life around 1996, right when I started some of my first delusions about having been abused, and after I had already been obsessed with weight loss and suicidally depressed for years. So the thing is, when I met this guy on the internet, on a suicide message board, before I even had my first email account, and his name was Kevin, and he had just recently gotten out of prison, and he was there for depression support on this website, and I was suicidally depressed, and he liked my depressing poems, I thought, "Oh! True love!"

Yes, that sounds dumb, but I was 21 or 22 at the time. Okay? So you do dumb things. He was really witty, and made me laugh a lot, and was fun to talk to through email and on the phone. We would talk on the phone, at first, a lot, and he sent me a dozen roses and told me he loved me. I was hooked.

It didn't last. I never met him in person. I got obsessed with him. I kept emailing him even when he stopped writing back to me hardly at all, and this went on for years, and years, and years. It is now 2012, I just emailed him last week. Yeah. But this is after him not communicating with me at all for the past four years as.  He emailed me like two weeks ago, to then say that he is no longer going to communicate with me anymore, again. This is because of something I said. We have never met. He has never wanted to meet me. He refused to talk to me on the phone anymore years ago. He has had real girlfriends, and has never really loved me or pretended to except in the beginning. He has two kids from his last girlfriend. He couldn't really care less about me or if I'm dead or alive.

And the thing is, the thing that is absolutely insane, is that I would still love to hear from him.

So then, there is the other aspect. Is he a CIA agent? I have wondered about this for years. Literally, for like about 8 years maybe more now. I have wondered. If he was my "handler". I know you think I'm weird for saying this, I know it sounds crazy, I know. But the thing is, I lived in Washington D.C. and had a very strange life, and I thought that this guy emailing me was my mind control handler.

Who I loved.

So.......needless to say nothing came of it but endless pain and heartache.

So then, when this guy who I will not name, who says he is NOT Kevin started emailing me telling me he lives in New Zealand (Kevin lives in Washington D.C. supposedly now), and that he is attracted to me and finds that he understands me and he also has schizoaffective disorder, my first thought was, oh, it's Kevin again. And my second thought was, oh, it's the CIA again.

And that has been - those two thoughts - have been controlling my mind for weeks now. This has got to stop. I really like this guy. He is incredibly sweet, and if he didn't live in New Zealand, and I believed he was real and not a CIA agent or a made-up persona, and I could meet him for coffee, I would do it. But that is not the case. So instead of going back into a 15-year situation of heartache that drags on, and on, and on, and never freakin' ends, I just finally had to say to him, "I am sorry but we cannot email each other every day, nothing good will ever come of this".

Do you think I'm a terrible person for doing that?

Do you think it's the CIA or that it's Kevin in disguise?

Do you think that it's really this heartbroken person in New Zealand (which makes me feel terrible)?

I don't know what to think. That's the trouble with the internet. You never really know who is behind those pixels on the screen. You should never, ever fall in love with those pixels, because it will rip your heart to shreds. This much I learned the hard way. And you should never become obsessed with a person, because no one is worth being obsessed with and idolizing over. Particularly if you have OCD.

So that is my personal issue that I never talk about on this blog because I am always afraid Kevin will find the blog and read it and hate me. But what difference does it make? He is no longer talking to me (again) at all, so it doesn't matter. This is my life I'm talking about on my blog, and I'm not giving you his last name or any identifying information. This might not even be his real name. So I'm just telling you, I can't describe to you how much this relationship has affected my life, but it has been a major aspect of my life since like 1997.

I used to go to internet cafes and Kinkos and libraries, when I didn't have a computer, and when I was homeless and living in shelters, just to email Kevin. And my heart would drop if he didn't write to me, and my life would light up with glitter if he did. And that is truly sad. The worst part is, I never got over him.

1 comment:

TheWoman said...

Hi I just started following your blog. I also have a blog about schizophrenia called thewomanwithschizophrenia.com. I found this post very interesting. It's insane the things our mind makes up, right? Seriously, though, i doubt that any of those guys are CIA agents, but I think it is best and not at all bad of you to decide to not talk to the New Zealand guy since you had such a hard time with Kevin. And I think Kevin is probably just a jerk for just not talking with you anymore. I hope he gave you a reason why, because it is hard to go from getting and giving support to not getting or giving any. But, thank you for having this blog. I hope to talk to you more in the future.

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