Saturday, September 22, 2012

Scientology, Nazis, and me

Well, things are not working out too well. My psychiatrist, who has only known me for a couple months, clearly doesn't understand the nature of my problems. She now rhinks my delusions might be being caused by severe OCD, which makes no sense. She said something about how people with Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder have less "egocentric" delusions than people with OCD. This also made no sense to me. She put me on 80 mgs. of Prozac, and unless I want to become manic, then that is obviously not a good idea.

It's not entirely her fault. She has only had a few minutes in each appointment to hear about my problems, and evidently my former doctor didn't really explain everything, so I don't know. I just know I am, probably, going to have to find another doctor. This sucks. I liked my last doctor because he took me seriously and didn't think I was stupid. Then I had to have a new doctor because he left. It has not worked out. I don't want to go through finding another doctor again, but there is no point in going  to see someone who doesn't even know I'm psychotic when I am psychotic.

Last night my mom wanted to see the movie The Master, and I made the mistake of going to it with her. It is based on Scientology and L. Ron Hubbard (or LRH as they call him). I used to think I was LRH reincarnated. I also thought I was a Scientologist for a while. After I got a bit better on meds, this all went away, but then today, after having seen that movie last night, I found myself thinking some of the old thoughts, and driving down to where the FLAG base is, which is not far from where I live in Florida so I could....I don't know...figure things out.  I followed one of their buses to one of the motels where they live. I ended up just going home. But this is reminiscent of my really psychotic times when I wandered around down in their neighborhood all the time, and I don't want to become like that again.

I'm in school, but it's hard because I can't read much, and I keep thinking my professors are Nazis. When they lift their right arms up, I think they are saying, "Hile Hitler", and it really freaks me out. I swear that they both did this within the past two weeks. I swear I was not imagining it. So the whole thing about the Scientology/Nazi/Illuminati/CIA/New World Order scheme to take over the world (or, more to the point, the idea that they already run the world), has come to mind a lot. I can't say this is anything new, but I can't say it's getting better either. I am on too much medication to be having these kinds of thoughts. This makes no sense.

Of course if they are really in control of the world, it would make sense that no doctor can help me get over this delusion, because then it would not actually be a delusion in the first place. It would just be the truth. That is one possibility. This is how I think. Does that make me "egocentric"? I don't really think so. This isn't about me; it's about the whole world. The whole world! People with OCD don't have complex delusions about the entire world being run in a secret manner. I do. I might have OCD as a secondary problem, but clearly it is not my main problem. So I am stuck having to find a new doctor.

I'm also very tired from Navane. I literally spent the whole day sleeping today. I didn't accomplish anything at all. The drug makes me too tired; I can't continue on 6 mgs. of it.

I'm scared to leave the community mental health center, because I don't know of any good doctors really to go to, and I don't really trust any of them to be able to help me anyway. Most of them rarely have helped much. I mean, I was better than I am now, but I was never completely better. Sometimes I think I should go off all the medications and try something different for a change, since they don't help much anyway. But then I remember how bad off I was on no medication, and I don't want to return to that horrific excuse for a life.

On the good news end, my brother finally went to a halfway house for people with alcohol and addiction problems. I am so glad he is not dead in a motel room. I am really glad for that.

Things besides that aren't very good. I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I should go down to FLAG and join Scientology again; perhaps it would work better than this mess I'm in. Probably not.

FLAG is the international base for Scientology volunteers who devote their lives to the cult. I don't know why I had the luck to have to end up living nearby it, but I have often thought that it was no coincidence. I have often thought I was one of them and I just don't remember my indoctrination process because I blocked it out. I know how crazy that sounds. But I was a lot more crazy in the past.

Somehow in my head being a Jew persecuted by Nazis and being a Scientology/CIA spy come into my reality at the same time. It's really hard to explain. And honestly, I doubt anyone is interested in hearing about the explanation anyway. So I guess it doesn't matter. What does matter is my doctor does not understand me or how I think at all, and she is in control of my brain with all the drugs I am putting into it. So that's not a good situation to be in.

In other news, I'm still thinking I want to travel somewhere next year.


  1. I realize that advice from strangers isn't the most convincing ever, but you really need to find yourself a new doctor.

    The fact that you know that your doctor's new perscription will make you worse should send you running, screaming from her office to a new doctor's.

    I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you, I have never been delusional. You seem to have a baseline for "healthy", though, such that you know, for example, that you're healthier now than you have been, but not as well as you have been. Try to use that as a spurr. Don't let things get worse.

    Finding a good doctor is frustrating, I know, it took me 15 years.

    One way, albeit indirect and tedious, is to use pubmed, , to find doctors who have published research in a particular field, i.e. schizoaffective disorder. Not that research is a guarantee, but at the very least it suggests an interest. 

    Another way is to find someone, whose opinion you trust, that can recommend a doctor for you.

  2. Jen definitely find a new doctor. You know too much about yourself and your situation to believe what she's saying. It must be so hard to keep the truth and reality in focus when you're dealing with delusions but you can do it, I believe in you. I hope you can get some help soon xxxx

  3. Jen, thanks for writing.

    There are times when I touch in to two of my delusions, the one about being connected to a rock star and the one about being some kind of Jesus figure. I know from past experience that to allow myself to accept even some of that kind of thinking is to ask for trouble. It's very tempting to give in; it's a subtle process and I know it is hard to resist, but your mental health depends upon doing just that, stepping back. It takes vigilance and training. As you know I use a tape recorder as an audio journal and then I listen back and take notes. This allows me to train in listening to myself and gives me the opportunity to be more vigilant about delusional/paranoid thoughts.

    I do not believe at all in your delusions. They do not focus on your everyday life or the things that give your life meaning -- school, work, advocacy work, friends and family. What the delusions do is to distort your reality. They may be interesting or intriguing, but they hurt you. It's kind of like having an addiction. When you went to the movie, you made a decision to allow the delusion to thrive, you fed your thought/mood addiction.

    How long has it been since you've been to a mental health support group? Meeting people in a face to face setting and telling them about your delusions and struggles can be powerful medicine if you're willing to stick it out and go to meetings regularly. You can't always be the helper; sometimes you need to allow others to help you, but you have to show up and reach out. It's common sense Jen. Also you can't rely on medications to just make you okay, you have to do the recovery work.

    I care about you and want you to work harder to recover. I believe that you can do it.

  4. Kate has said it so well that I defer to her. ~Mary

  5. Just know that thinking everyone is lying or in on it is psychosis. Just know that. I also have schizoaffective so I know.
    Ya, so, I feel you man. My delusions are different but I love Nazi's and the Satanic Bible. I am basically a Satanic Nazi Drug-User. I understand your struggle. Eventually, if your on the right amount of meds, you'll get comfortable in life and start thinking more healthy. Just stick to what you know. Get a comfortable routine going in your life.


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