Saturday, July 14, 2012

violations of privacy and civil rights

Note: I apologize for screaming and cursing in this post. Thanks for reading.

Things aren't going too well.
I don't feel comfortable writing about it here.
Thanks to being exposed at my workplace as having a mental illness, I don't know if I'll ever feel too comfortable writing here again.

It's not exactly a great situation.

I'm not even entirely sure who to thank for it.

One thing I know is, I cannot afford to leave my job or lose my job at the moment.

I'm still proving the facts of my existence pain-stakingly on a daily freakin' basis to Social Security.

If I could just work full time and not need Social Security, life would certainly be easier. But then, how exactly would I do that when I've never been able to manage it so far?? And how on earth would I ever get all my many medications that allow me to work in the first place?? It's not like I can pay for any of them or even co-pays that would come with private insurance.

My life feels like a total nightmare right now.

That's not all I have to say, but that's all I'm comfortable saying here now.

Thanks, people who caused this situation.

I refuse to delete this blog.

I'm frankly really fucking sick of hearing people telling me to die every day, and I'm also really sick of people really treating me like I am beneath them in real life. I'm sick of this whole disability shitfest that has become my life. I'm sick of medications, and I'm sick of justifying THE FACT THAT I NEED THEM to the people who are nothing be schmucks for a goverment agency that provides me with enough money to buy cat food and put gas in my car every month. I'm sick of looking over my shoulder, not because I'm merely paranoid, but because IN ADDITION to being paranoid, I have people breathing down my neck and someone at my workplace questioning my mental stability.

I'm sick of my apartment, my neighbors with their bed bugs and cigarette butts, my mess, my brother who left a candle burning and the door unlocked for days when I was 1,000 miles away and trusting him to take care of my cats because he's an alcoholic who doesn't give a shit about me, my whole screwed up family, my screwed up "friend" who really is just annoying, and I'm sick of myself, and I'm sick of going to physical therapy and mental health counseling as if IT EVEN MATTERS AT ALL ANYWAY.

I'm sick of being sick and even more sick that I still am sick.

I'm sick of my whole life.

And thanks to a couple people, I no longer feel safe talking here in my one safe spot in the world were I could ever talk about anything that really mattered for the past seven years.


  1. Hi,

    So sorry your secret got out. I myself really like to keep my illness a secret. People treat you differently if they know, plain and simple.

    I'm sorry that it can be so hard working with the government. Its pressure, stress, and it seems that you have had a bad time of it. They got my taxes wrong, wrong name on them, haven't yet gotten the mess straightened out. You would think, one social security number, one name, right?

    Most of all I'm sorry that your illness is bringing you down. I remember reading that unemployment causes depression in normal people, and I wondered, what does mental illness cause in sick people? I mean just the fact of having it, I remember for me in the early days, caused much anger and sadness.

    Take care of yourself! Chin up! We are psychiatric survivors, that means we've been to hell and back. Please remember all that you have accomplished, and have yet to do.

    Good luck,

  2. Jen, I'm sorry your privacy and sanctuary has been violated. It's hurtful and horrible :( I hope you can work it out somehow and stay blogging. I'm so proud of you for sticking it out at work and battling Social Security. You're amazing xx

  3. Oh girl do I feel where you are coming from. It feels good to get the "fuck you's" out while the intake is still raw in your throat. You know what I mean.

    They contacted my work through mail and so now my boss knows I am on disability and it is really embarrassing. She doesn't know why to my knowledge but if she did I would be mortified.

    Oh man I hope you get what you need in the end. I just don't get why we are punished when we pay taxes. Who can survive their own free lifestyle on the meager allowance SSDI issues out. I don't want to live in government housing so I work to supplement that. But apparently disabled people are not encouraged to work, instead we are told to live together, see the same government docs,take the same pills, and weed ourselves out of society. FUCK THEM!

  4. Thank you for your kind words, Karen, and Lil, and Afton. I am so sorry that you are going through this nightmare too, Afton. I agree with you, "fuck them" feels like my attitude right now as well. I'm not letting them get away with taking away my means of survival.

  5. Oh gosh. Jen, sorry I've not been reading my favorite blogs for the last couple weeks, so I had no idea this was going on with you. I feel so bad.

    I understand the whole SS disability thing, I live on it and it's hard. I'd give anything to be able to work again. Right now the best I can hope for is trying to find some writing that pays so I can work from my apartment. I admire anyone who can work. You and the other commenters are like heroes to me.

    As for the whole violation- it really is horrible. Don't close out your blog. Any blogger who's been in the trenches for a bit of time feels like that- we all go through patches where we want to close our blogs. But don't. Take a break from blogging if you need to, for your own sanity. Or start a new one that's private and just let a few people know about it.

    Did I ever tell you I've had readers contact the local police after mis- reading posts? When it's over and they finally leave, you laugh, you cry, you hold your cats and just be glad they love you no matter what.

    Take care my friend. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  6. I hope this doesn't sound glib, but I wish for you a less restricted horizon. Due to this illness, I've(at times)felt pursued & is hard to know if it is the illness..or actual life BS. Schizophrenia has the grace of a runaway cab, with days that can feel a month long. I am very sorry. I wish I could offer a hand to pull you out of the deep end, but I am not quite sure how...

    When they say we are not experiencing reality, I think we are actually experiencing too many realities. ~Mary


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