Monday, July 16, 2012

She was a January girl


"Black-Dove (January)"






She was a january girl

She never let on how insane it was

In that tiny kinda scary house

By the woods

By the woods

By the woods



Black-dove

Black-dove

You're not a helicopter

You're not a cop out either

Black-dove

Black-dove

You don't need a space ship

They don't know you've already lived

On the other side of the galaxy

The other side of the galaxy

The other side of teh galaxy



She had a january world

So many storms not right somehow

How a lion becomes a mouse

By the woods

By the woods

By the woods

By the woods

By the woods

By the woods

But I have to get to TEXAS

Said I have to get to TEXAS

And I'll give away my blue blue dress



Black-dove

Black-dove

You don't need a space ship

They don't know you've already lived

On the other side of the galaxy

The other side of the galaxy

The other side of the galaxy



But I have to get to TEXAS

Said I have to get to TEXAS

And I'll give away my blue blue dress



She has a january girl

She never let on how insane it was

In that tiny kinda scary house

By the woods

By the woods

By the woods

By the woods

By the woods

By the woods

By the woods

By the woods

By the woods

Black-dove







I was born in January. I group in a house by the woods.  It was very insane. I have always loved this song. My email address used to be blackdove@juno years ago.


Crickets are chirping outside. Like me, I guess they do not sleep at night. I turn to Tori Amos, Dar Williams, Joshua Radin, and other calming singers to help me in these nights. These nights are every night. Tonight I forgot to get my Vistaril refilled so my ability to sleep is lessened even further by that. I turn to over the counter sleeping pills, but they do nothing, even with my other medications. This Thursday I'm supposed to see a specialist about possibly getting a sleep study.

I haven't slept normally on a regular basis in years.

Today, when I was lying in bed, fully awake, I heard the voice of an African American male in my bedroom saying my name. I was so sure someone had broken into my apartment (or maybe it was the police coming to get me again), that I didn't move. I just laid there. Couldn't move. I was too scared to go out into the living room, so I just waited for him to come get me, whoever he was. Nobody ever came. Later I looked at the door to the apartment. It was still locked, and the device that goes under the door handle to keep someone from breaking in was still in place. Nobody I had been here. But I heard it, "Jennifer". I thought maybe it was someone from the landlord agency coming to remove me from my home because it is such a disaster area. I've been thinking a lot lately that they're going to do that. I also think a lot that I am going to have a horrible car accident or hit someone on the side of the road who is riding a bike. I think people in my family are going to die. I think about their funerals. Life is very depressing.

I went to my mom's house tonight and curled up on her couch next to her. She patted my back. Normally I wouldn't allow this or like it, but tonight it was okay. I told her I am tired of my mind going crazy on me, and I can't handle much more. My mother screamed at me throughout much of my life, but I still turn to her for solace sometimes.

Meanwhile, there are things I want to do. I want to help with what I have been asked to help with in NAMI, which is setting up a support group and a peer-to-peer class at my college. I just don't see how I'm going to be able to do this, and when I agreed to do it, I said I would help do it, but not do it alone. It looks like I am being expected to do it alone now, and I know I can't. I go back to my university next month. I am trying to keep my job. I am trying to keep my disability benefits which I need to survive. I am trying to get by here. All I can really manage is bare survival. I'm not the best person to ask to take on other tasks right now. My apartment is covered in garbage, old food, and clutter.

My brother is off in some motel drinking himself to death again, and I am so sad about that. But there is nothing I can do about that. I have given him all the advice I can, but he listens to none of it. He chooses self destruction, and he doesn't care about himself or about anybody else, including me. He almost got my apartment burned down by leaving it vacant with a burning candle for days when I was trusting him to take care of it a few weeks ago while I was out of the state. I haven't really heard from him since.

I'm tired, but I'm wide awake. It is going to be another very long night. It is already 3 AM right now. In the morning I have a therapy appointment. Then I have to work. I dread going to work now that people know I have a mental illness.

Life is hard right now.

Sorry if this is a depressing post.

4 comments:

K.C. Jones said...

I love Tori Amos and Dar Williams too! And I also take Vistaril, but mine's just an anxiety PRN. I hope your therapy appointment helped and your day got better. Sorry life is so shitty right now. I'm in the process of trying to get disability benefits and I'm wondering how I should handle my blog. I'm afraid that someone from disability will see that I'm doing a little better depression wise and will think I don't still struggle with my mental illness. Sometimes it seems like you're screwed if you're worse and you're screwed if you're better...

Chelle said...

Jen,

I take 15 mg of melatonin and benadryl about two hours before I want to go to bed. Then I take 2 mg of klonopin an hour before. This has been working great.

If you haven't tried melatonin, definitely give it a shot. This is the first time in years that I have been able to fall asleep without lying awake for hours. Since I was 6 years old.

And I wanted to tell you how sorry I am that your secret got out at work. I lost my job because I couldn't control my anxiety two years ago. I never told them I was bipolar, but I guess they could tell from my behavior that something wasn't right. Instead of trying to work with me, they fired me. I sincerely hope you have a better work environment than I did. I know you've been there for awhile. Surely people must know that you can do your job.

Hugs,
Chelle

Birch said...

I LOVE TORI! I got to meet her very briefly in 2007.

It must be awful that people at work know. I am afraid that people in my apt complex will find out. I too am always afraid my apt isn't clean enough and I'll get in trouble for it.

I've also had the experience of thinking someone is in my apt and I know it is scary as hell. I saw someones shadow standing over my bed.

I hate that people don't get how hard it is to have MI. My Dr. said to me "well now that your fine (meaning out of hospital and group home, not hearing voices) are you going back to work" as if it's that easy. I think she expects me to not be on disability at all. Of course the problem with that is working stresses me out so much that it brings on symptoms. Even if I'm not hearing voices I'm still completely over whelmed by life-but people think the voices are what stop you from having a normal life. As if that's the end all be all. Anyhow I'll stop rambling.

In the Pink said...

When I was younger Melatonin didn't work for me but now as an adult it works really well. I think it is a good idea to pair it with one benedryl because too much benedryl can rev you up sometimes. You are in my thoughts when it comes to SSDI. You know I am in a similar boat and it is scary. I am sending you light and love from afar. Stay strong!

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