Monday, June 11, 2012

Doublespeak and "You'll walk home."

Caller: "Can you help me apply for graduation? I want to graduate this summer and when is the date?"

Me: It's July 21st.

"Jew Lie 21st?" (July 21st?)

(Here we go again. Sigh). Yes.

"Okay, thank you."

Okay, have a good day!

"You do die." (You too. Bye).

Bye.
(Click.)

.....That was my last phone call at work. I handle about 100 phone calls a day at the call center at the college where I work. 99% of them include someone telling me "die", at the end. Instead of "Bye", I hear, "Die". Instead of "Would you do this?" I hear, "Would Jew do this?" because they also call me a Jew. When I say "thank you" to someone, then instead of saying "you're welcome", I hear them saying, "You'll walk home." This is a reference to when the second Holocaust occurs and my delusion says I'll be walking to a concentration camp in north Florida. This is an old delusion that started about ten years ago, and only comes back when I'm unwell.

So this is going on all the time now. On the phone. In person. If you want to understand what I'm talking about, just count how many times you thank someone for something in a day. Then imagine that every single time you did that, they returned the favor by reminding you of your impending torture and death. It's really pleasant.

I'm on 120 mgs of Latuda and 50 mgs. of Risperdal Consta, so it's not like I'm lacking drugs. But the old crap returned and it hasn't left.

It's what I call double speak. I've always called it that, and not because of George Orwell. It's just the term that fits. I hear two things at once. Sometimes, I hear three at once. One of them is what the person is really saying, and the other things are what I just hear them saying. Since I know it's happening, I can obviously tell myself, "They didn't really say that". But it sounds real nonetheless. It sounds terribly real.

My apartment is a mess. Drama continues in my family. I won't go in to details about that at the moment.

But I'm still living my life. I go to work, and I went to a conference in West Palm Beach a week ago for the weekend. I was okay there. It was fine. I will be going to the NAMI meeting where I might be elected onto the Board of Directors Thursday. I went to physical therapy today before work. I went to the movies Saturday. I went out to eat Friday. I see people (not as in hallucinating, but really visiting people), sometimes. So, on it goes. I still live. My therapist is only working part-time now, so it's really hard to get an appointment with her. My doctor is gone, and I haven't met the new doctor yet. My case manager is out of town, but I wouldn't really be calling her about stuff like this anyway.

Life goes on.




1 comment:

Borderline Lil said...

Jen I wish you peace from those intrusive voices. You're coping and man do I admire that but it seems so unfair.

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