Tuesday, May 29, 2012

What is reality, anyway?

"I haven't had Faith in Life  meaning Reality - whatever it is or happens. There is nothing to hold onto but reality."
                 ~Marilyn Monroe

So, I saw my psychiatrist for the last time today. He asked, "So are you a government employee?" I said, "Sometimes". And that pretty much sums it up. I am a CIA agent part of the time, at least in my reality. And other parts of the time, I'm just myself.


This does get tiring. I have to say that perhaps my life is more interesting from all the time I've spent thinking I was working for the government over the years, but at the same time, it does get very tiring. I also wasted a lot of my life like this. But then, "this", is happening right now as I write this. So I can't really talk about it like I'm past it.

I saw my therapist for half an hour today before I went to work. I told her it's hard to talk to people about this because I always think the person I'm talking to works for the CIA if I tell them. She reassured me she does not work for the CIA, although she said sometimes when she watches the X Files she wishes she did. I thought that was funny. But it's true; when I was talking to her I was really feeling like she was an undercover agent the entire time.

I don't know what has caused this to happen right now. That's part of the reason it's hard to believe it's not real. If it's all just part of my illness, then why doesn't this medication make it go away, when I'm on enough medication to kill ten elephants??

All day at work today, I've been sitting here thinking that I'm talking to operatives who are questioning me to secretly gain intelligence that I somehow have. This is how it goes. One person said "Russia". Another person said, "April". These were clues. Then some man called who totally sounded Russian. He told me he was an international student. I'm sure it this was all covert operations they wouldn't be so obvious about it that I would be consciously aware that this was happening, so that is one reason I am telling myself it's not real.

Not real. Not real. Not real.

I repeat this mantra over and over. Does anyone relate?

I tell myself, "It's just a thought". That's what my therapist said to do. Point out to myself, "It's just a thought. There goes that thought again. That thought was here before. I know what that thought is about."

But it is still happening.

I am on 50 mgs .of Risperdal Consta, IM and 120 mgs. of Latuda, not to mention Prozac, Klonopin, Ambien, Vistaril, Synthroid, Cytomel, Mothocarbomal (I forgot the company name for that drug, but regardless most stuff I take is generic), Omeprazole (I forgot the company name for that too), sometimes Naproxen for muscle pain, Amoxicillin (antibiotic for the fact that my immune system generally sucks), vitamin D prescription strength, Vitamin B-12 sublingual, multivitamin, Folic Acid, Melatonin, and sometimes cold medicine.

Like I said, enough medication to kill ten elephants. Perhaps even twenty.

C'est la vie.


  1. It's not real. I hope things get better for you soon.

  2. Hi Jen, Birch is right, it's not real, but I do know how delusional thoughts can pull you right into delusion. The delusion that still triggers me is that I'm somehow connected to this famous person, who might be a psychopathic serial killer, but who needs me to help him heal. Because I've been writing about my last boyfriend, who was either a psychopath or a sociopath, I've been having more symptoms of this delusion. So I've brought some of this on myself. And I do literally talk myself out of my delusional thoughts and feelings. I write it down too and I re-read it.

    Part of what hooks me is that I want to know why I'm going through what I'm going through and then the voices offer the delusion up to me and I have to learn to turn away from it. I have to say NO to the core delusion. It can be done! Don't give up Jen.

    Love, Kate : )

  3. Thank you, Birch and Kate.

    Yeah, I'm not giving up, Kate. It's just annoying to have to deal with this junk so frequently. Oh well. It could be worse.

    I appreciate your comments.

  4. You recognize that it's not real so that a plus right? How's your sleeping Jen? and any new added stress lately? I hope it goes away soon.

  5. Nevermind Jen...I just read the post before this one. Take some time to take care of yourself. Sorry to hear about your grandmothers and hopefully you'll have a new dr. soon. Like Birch said, I hope things get better for you real soon.

  6. I was at a memorial service recently for someone I'd deeply loved all my life...& the color totally drained out of the "picutre"..meaning out of the room, the people, everything was black&white. I knew it wasn't real, but yet...but I knew it was my brain, not a throw back to old movie filming for some as-of-yet-to-be-explained reason. I use the laws of probability up against how very many years this has been happening.I know whatever the hell I think is going on(if it wasn't- just my thought & sense disorder), wouldn't last this long without the plot finally unraveling or someone letting me in on what the hell I did wrong.

    Latuda & finally getting good theraputic help has me in a much better place, but not always...

    I think on the phone you def. got the feel that I was a govt employee. It is ok. I truly do understand; I'm fine with it.
    But, honestly, I'm a little anarchist, the CIA would never have me :-0.

  7. Thank you, Running Circles. Thank you, Mary.

    Yes, Mary I did think you were a government employee. No offense to your anarchism. It's reassuring to know you're actually a little anarchist. But I have that thought with so many people. It is often hard to trust people with the deepest secrets, and then when I do, sometimes I get scared that "they" are going to come and kill me or something is going to happen, because I somehow failed my mission and I betrayed the trust of the government that owns my brain.

    Anyway, I'll get past this. Hopefully, it's just a matter of time.

    Thanks everyone for your comments!


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