Saturday, May 12, 2012

Squalor - Again (and it's okay if you read this, whoever you are)

I thought more about what I wrote regarding how I didn't want anybody I know to read this blog. Actually, that was not entirely fair of me to say. After all, I do have one friend who is a former therapist, and a women's rights activist, who I know reads my blog from time to time, because I told her about the blog, and she told me she has read it. I am okay with that.

I have also told people at the Crisis Intervention Team trainings (C.I.T.) for law enforcement officers when I've spoken to them, and to the entire staff of the community mental health agency where I go for treatment, when I spoke to them a year and a half ago at their training day. I did tell them all the name of my blog. I sort of forgot I did that, and assumed, I guess, that nobody had ever actually read it from there. But it's possible that someone did. So I just wanted to say, if you're trying to understand this illness that I have, or mental illness in general,  then it's okay if you read this. I'm not putting my last name here, but if you know me and you read it, then so be it. I just am a little embarrassed when I wonder if someone has read particularly personal posts, and it does sometimes make me slightly paranoid. But then I tend to get slightly paranoid pretty easily. For example, I have this ongoing paranoid belief that I'm going to run into my psychiatrist or therapist in some public place and they are going to think something about my behavior. The funny thing is, it would be not that surprising if I ran into someone like that because I have run into such people in public before and it was really not a problem. But it starts to get attached to the paranoia about being watched. And when you have had many years where you were very paranoid about being watched, it can be scary to not know who has read your blog that tells so many personal details about your life. But in the end, it is my fault for telling people about it!

Thanks for the comments you readers left about this. Thanks a lot to Lil for what she said, that was very kind.

Okay, so now I am going to discuss the squalor of my apartment (once again). Yes, it went downhill again (pretty badly). To be honest, I haven't been using regular dishes for months. I just use paper and plastic and throw it all out. But when I have, on rare occasions, needed to cook something rather than microwave it, I never washed the pans. So gross! I know. I don't know what my problem is with housework. I am very bad about it.

So then I got this new couch, but I failed to clean the apartment to make it presentable enough for the new couch to be shown to anybody. So nobody has been here to see it, not even my mom who wants to see it because she went with me to the store when I was looking for a couch. My bedroom is covered with clothing. Literally. I mean, you cannot see the floor in there. This is not rare for me, actually, this is really the norm for me. But it doesn't seem to be the norm for much of the general populace.

I got rid of the flies, so there are no bugs, but I did not clean the place like I needed to. The bit that I cleaned when I was becoming hypomanic failed to stay clean for long. Too bad I no longer have that extra energy to help tackle this dilemma.

So, the thing is, I really have to clean now. My summer class starts Monday, and tomorrow is Mother's Day so I'm not going to be able to clean all day tomorrow. That leaves today - Saturday. I have to clean today. I am writing this here honestly because it's the only way I know to force myself to actually do it. So what I am going to do is, clean a lot today, and then post pictures sometime in the next week of my apartment cleaner than it currently is.

Yes, that is the plan. I feel pretty sure that I can force myself to do this if you people are reading what I'm saying here, and I can't backout of it and humiliate myself. So hold me accountable. Next time you come here, ask me if I did not post any pictures of a clean apartment, why they are not there. Thanks!

Blogging can be very helpful for things like this.

Also, guess what? I raised $90 so far for the NAMI Bowlathon, and that's just money that was given to me personally to give to NAMI. I don't know if some was also mailed directly to NAMI so there could be more! This is great. Thanks to anybody and everybody who donated or still plans on donating. The Bowlathon is next week, May 19th, so I hope to have raised some more by then.

Okay, so back to my apartment. I would post "before and after" pictures, but I think that would be too humiliating. My mom, when she sees my apartment like this, tends to tell me things like, "Your case manager is going to see this and call the police and they are going to haul you off to the hospital and lock you up! And you are going to get evicted too!" She really did say that exact thing about a month ago. So I don't need to post the "before" pictures here. Just picture, you know, that TV show Hoarders, and you will understand that I am talking about a serious mess. Okay, it is not quite as bad as the people's houses on Hoarders, because I live in an apartment, and if it was really that bad, I obviously would have been evicted for it a long time ago! But just picture a major, major, disgusting mess. Utter squalor. That is the current state. Now we shall see how much I can clean in one day. I have tried following that Flylady site a couple of you recommended, but I haven't kept up with it much as you can tell. They send me emails, but I never take the time to read them because I don't have much time to do that during the day. Anyway, so after I get through this major cleaning today, I will have to try a LOT harder to do a better job of following techniques for daily housekeeping like those mentioned by the Flylady site.

Now, off I go to turn on music and clean. It is 12:17 PM on Saturday. We shall see how long this takes.


  1. I know I am stating the SUPER obvious, but your mother's comment is in no way helpful. Before I would say that to someone I would help them clean their damn apartment. I am not trying to disrespect your mother, truly, but I don't want you to think that is some form of tough love that should motivate you to be a "good girl" & clean. There are certain things in life that sustain us(thankfully) & certain things in life that mark us in unhealthy ways..that remark might belong in the second cat. Just sayin'.

  2. I take my clothes to the laundry mat and have them wash them since I dont have a washer and dryer. It is just as about expensive to do them myself and guess what i have clean clothes. I'm in the middle of decluttering. Decluttering is the biggest answer. You can do it! I believe you will get it cleaned.

  3. I don't keep a clean home and it can make me anxious when others mention they want to come over. One time Patrick brought a friend over to the house and I was so embarrassed by how messy it all is. I do hope you find the energy to clean a little ... it will do wonders on the mind to have your surroundings clean. But then again how would I know because my place is disaster zone.


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