Tuesday, May 15, 2012

secret agent man

I'm having some thoughts. I've had these thoughts before. Generally they indicate a problem. But it's really hard to know that there is a problem, because part of the thinking process with the thoughts is that they are secretive, and you don't discuss them with people. Besides, I think my doctor is out of town this week, and I can't go in next week because I'll be at the NAMI conference, so there is nothing that can be done anyway. Even if there was an appointment, there is still nothing the doctor can do. I'm already on two antipsychotics.

Sometimes I wonder if I bring this stuff on myself. Then I wonder if I'm not being lied to about being mentally ill. There was this quote in a book I read on Schizophrenia and recovery last fall. This young man said something like, "Of course I would prefer to think I was a C.I.A. agent rather than a mental patient. Who wouldn't?".

Thoughts like that. I'm not sure why but this has been creeping up on me and now it's here, saying, "Hello!". It should be interesting trying to get through a course taught by someone who I think is a CIA agent performing mind control and secret communications with me.

Perhaps this will go away soon.

I probably won't mention it again.


  1. oh dear, that is going to be difficult. what do you usually do when this happens? is there someone other than your doctor you can touch base with, just so it doesn't go any further. wishing you well, c.

  2. Thank you. I do have a therapist I will be seeing on Thursday. I haven't seen her in five weeks, because it's really hard to get appointments with her, and then she was out sick the last time I was supposed to see her.

    What I usually do when this happens is that it gets worse, and I have to have my meds changed. I am not looking to do that at this time. I have been on enough different meds.

    I do use logic and reason to try to talk myself out of it. I wrote down in my notebook during class, "Today is May 15, 2012. I am in class 242." Trying to orient myself back to reality.

    It didn't work that well.

    It will probably help to get a good night of sleep if I can tonight.

  3. Jen, I am prefectly ok if you don't want to do this, but if you'd like to email me I'd be happy to provide you with a number or take yours if you needed to talk to someone. I've had similar thoughts in the past, am thankfully not having them now, & I believe I'd understand more than most would, being a schizophrenic myself. ~Mary

  4. Thanks, Mary. I emailed you. I don't know if I can talk on the phone about it, but I really, really appreciate the offer. It's really nice of you. I know you understand this stuff.

  5. Hang in there Jen. You can and will conquer this. You know what to do xxx

  6. Thanks, Lil. They said I might be able to see the doctor on Friday. I don't know what the point is really. I don't think he can help. I am already on so much medication...but I guess I might as well talk to him. I don't know...I might just drop my class. I have to decide by the end of Friday if I'm going to do that or not to avoid a penalty.


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