Monday, May 14, 2012

Function, stupid body, function! Freakin' fibromyalgia...

Freakin' Fibromyalgia! God. I hate freakin' fibromyalgia. Every damn time I think I put this crap behind me, it returns, to laugh at me. My body simply IMPLODES. It rebels against itself. I have an autoimmune disease called Sjogren's Syndrome, and that is the definition in my terms of what an autoimmune disease is: your body imploding on you. How freakin' annoying! And what poor timing this always is for me. God. I am so sick of my annoying body failing me....this has been going on for over half my life!

Sorry there are no pictures yet (I did take a couple but I simply lack the energy to upload them on my slow computer tonight), of my cleaner apartment. It's not completely clean, as it should be, because of my goddamn body failing me ONCE AGAIN. I should have known this was going to happen. The minute I try to live like a normal person, the minute I try to do just a little bit more of what anybody else who is my age would be able to do, my body kicks me in the ass and says, "Hell no! I will not cooperate with you!". Lovely.

Today was the first day of my summer session for school. So guess how much I slept last night? Oh slept? Is that what I said. Oh yeah, that's something I could do once, years ago. I seem to have lost that ability permanently at some point in the distant past. So once again, last night, when I knew I had to be up early the next morning, I was up until early the next morning, unable to sleep. Wonderful. Just what I needed with this new schedule. For six weeks I'm in this class that means I have to leave my apartment before 8 AM to get to school. I then get out of class at 12:30. I then go get some lunch and head to work where I work from 2 to 7:00. I get home about 7:30. I thought I ought to be able to do this. After all, it's only for six weeks. It's only a little summer class. Big deal.


Freakin' Fibromyalgia flared up so bad after I spent four hours cleaning my living room Saturday that I can barely walk. I'm in complete pain at the moment. Epsom salts and a heating pad do me no good. I called to get an appointment at the place I used to go to for physical therapy where they do massage and use this handy, dandy little electronic stimulation machine to warm up your muscles and help your pain. Of course I can't get a goddamn appointment without a prescription from my rheumatologist. Of course I can't get an appointment with her at a convenient time (since I have practically no free time now), so I have to ask my boss for work. She responds by telling me it's important to take care of my health and then sending me an email that from now on I need to be at work at 8:15 AM on Fridays since I don't seem to arrive in a timely manner when I'm supposed to be there at 8:30. She didn't mention whether she was planning on paying me for this extra fifteen minutes without sleep. *(Obviously, I am going to make sure I get paid, because I believe in the labor movement).

Anyway. So that's how today went. I practically crawled home, circa the body I had in 2003, which barely functioned. This is just great. Guess what I get to do tomorrow morning? Wake up and do this entire thing all over again, because this class meets two days a week, on the same two days that I work until 7 PM. I thought I could do this. By all rights, I think I ought to be able to do this. After all, I thought I put major pain behind me!


Freakin' Fibromyalgia. Oh, how I hate thee. Let me count the ways, you goddamn misery-inducing nightmare from hell.

It might be alright if I could keep doing biofeedback. I started doing biofeedback at the counseling center of my university a couple weeks ago so I could teach my body to sleep again. It seemed to be helping me learn how to relax, or at least how to breathe. I pictured myself someday possessing the ability (which I have not ever possessed before) to be able to meditate. I thought I would learn to control my emotions with ease and sleep like a baby, maybe. But now, now I have no goddamn time to even learn how to relax! It doesn't fit in my stupid schedule!

I am not sure I should be taking this class. Then again, I would feel like a failure if I dropped the class. But let me tell you what this class is like. This professor is the most confusing, scatterbrained person whom I have ever had the misfortune to have to listen to talking for three and a half hours straight. He rambles on nonsensically about things that plainly elude me because I must either be the stupidest person on earth or I'm sitting in a room with the craziest professor on campus. The guy literally makes no sense!  I left feeling like a downtrodden imbecile who was doomed to fail the course. Luckily, my classmate who took notes for me last fall in another course is in this class and she sat next to me and I asked her if she could give me copies of all of her notes all semester, which she said she would do. I feel bad asking someone to do this, but frankly, I can't take notes on something when I have no idea what is being discussed! I sat there like a deer in headlights, just baffled the whole class period. My classmate who is taking notes for me said, "He uses a lot a of extraneous wording, I think". Yeah. To put it mildly. This  guy could get someone to Tahiti trying to tell them how to find their way down the block if he was asked for directions. You might even end up on the moon if you asked him for directions. He is about as easy to understand as E=Mc2. God. What did I sign up for?

I saw my social work professor in the hallway after class and I miss her classes terribly now! They were so logical and easy to understand. I am going to meet with her tomorrow to discuss my future career prospects in the social work field considering that I'm a mental patient and a lot of people know  this fact, so I think I need to start considering the realities of how that is going to affect my job opportunities in the mental health field. She said she would be happy to talk to me about this. She is so nice. She makes so much sense when she talks. Not like this professor I just started with! The only good aspect of this  class is that there are three grades for the whole semester: a midterm, a final, and a presentation. I feel like if I study the books (there are a multitude of books most of which he has "photocopied") enough then I can do okay on the tests and any monkey can b.s. their way through a Powerpoint presentation so maybe I'll pass even if I learn nothing for all the money this course is costing me.

I sound like I'm complaining a lot. Sorry about that. It's been quite a day.

Good news: I raised $110 for the NAMI Bowlathon so far that I am aware of. Next week I take off for the NAMI Peer conference (hopefully my body will work well enough for this to happen), and I'll get away for three days from my job, and also from a day of school. It's all been paid for a by a scholarship, so that worked out well. I am going to be hosting a group discussion on hearing voices and how to handle them, as I was asked to do by someone in NAMI, so we shall see how that goes. Let me know what you do to help yourself when you hear voices. I need to make a handout that I can give out on how to cope with auditory hallucinations in the event that your medication isn't working. I tink that this would be a useful thing to give people. So far, what I can say is: earphones, Mp3 player or CD Walkman with music, listening to music from a radio (unless that makes you hear things from the radio), rest, avoiding noisy places, avoiding Walmart and DisneyWorld like the plague, and telling your doctor to adjust your medication immediately. That's about the extent of my tips on what to do in the event of auditory hallucinations. So I need to come up with some more ideas, as you can tell.

Speaking of auditory hallucinations, by some miracle, I did not hear my damn phone ring when it wasn't ringing today. So that is good. Perhaps tonight I will get some sleep. One can hope.

On the positive side, I found my Mp3 player that I had lost months ago! That is wonderful. It helps me.

Goodnight, world.

It's 8:30 and I've had all I can take for the day.

I will post pictures of my apartment when I get it more clean. So far the bathroom and the living room are in better shape, but that is not really enough.


  1. For auditory hallucinations (I have no idea if this will work for anyone else) I imagine the voice on a cassette that is playing in my head and I ask the cassette to stop. I picture it stopping. I know it seems overly simple but sometimes it works. Sometimes a different voice just comes on and I do it again.

  2. Thank you, Birch! I will share that with the group.

  3. I don't have auditory hallucinations often, but I did hear my phone ringing the other day and it wasn't. I just asked my husband if he heard something ringing.

    Maybe asking someone if they heard anything? I think a lot of people have this problem even without mental illness.

    Can you transfer to a different class, since you just started?

  4. Oh and yeah, fibro sucks. It's the life from hell. I never know how to explain it to people because I look FINE but I feel like CRAP 99% of the time.

    I'm so sorry you also have to deal with mental and physical illnesses at the same time. Try to pace yourself with anything physical. If you do it all at once, your body will rebel.



I welcome comments from all readers and encourage you to leave them! Please do. However, due to spam, I review each comment before it can be posted, so it may take 24-48 hours before your comment appears on the blog. Please be patient. I post comments that are not spam.Note: my definition of "spam" includes ALL links to sites claiming to cure or provide "the solution" for incurable diseases such as Schizoaffective Disorder and Schizophrenia. Vulnerable people come to my blog, and I will not let them be preyed upon, but people who post snake oil remedies on the internets. Take your garbage and peddle it elsewhere. Since Blogger doesn't weed all that garbage out, I've been doing it myself for years.