It's not important what the thoughts are about. But my therapist would say it is important and that if I never talk about it or think about it on purpose, the thoughts will have more power than if I say them out loud.
So....okay, I have these disgusting thoughts about bodily functions. I'm slightly paranoid about such functions. I have the thoughts when I eat, and when I go to brush my teeth, or take medication, and the thoughts are so horrible, they make me gag. Recently, for some reason, it's been worse and the thoughts actually make me vomit sometimes. I try to control the thoughts by thinking about something else, but I have this terrible gag reflex that kicks in, and it makes me ill. I do not know why this has been happening the past few months more than it did before the past few months, but whatever the reason, it is kind of a problem. Particularly since, I don't have a therapist anymore.
I don't know exactly why I would have these thoughts, but I've had other OCD type thoughts before about different things. It never made me sick though. It just made me anxious. This actually makes me sick. It makes it difficult to even eat sometimes. It makes it difficult to swallow pills or brush my teeth. This gag reflex and the thoughts come in at the same time. I thought at first that actually I was gagging because of my medication, but my psychiatrist thought that was not a side effect of Latuda. Then I realized that every time I gagged, I was also having the gross thoughts. So I have been, at times, confused as to what was actually causing the gagging and if the gagging was really caused by the thoughts. But I had thoughts a long time before the gagging started, so I am pretty sure they are the cause.
I am trying to remember how long this is been going on for and I'm not really sure. I know it has been since around this past spring or so that I have noticed myself gagging, and then it increased, to the point that it now happens several times a day, every single day. The thoughts are there so much it is almost impossible to avoid them. I have a hard time dealing with even going into a public bathroom or changing my cats' litter box because I get nauseated by it and the thoughts are horrible. Sometimes I go to brush my teeth, and start vomiting. This is not a pleasant experience.
It is kind of a joke in my family that I am like this. My younger siblings will make jokes about gross things just to gross me out because I will freak out and scream at them to stop it before they make me throw up. I suppose I have been that way for years. But it is a real problem now, which it wasn't really years ago. And nobody really knows about it except my former therapist.
She told me to think about it on purpose so the thoughts would lose their power, but I can't make myself do that because it is too disgusting. I can't force myself to think about disgusting things that I am trying to stop thinking about. But I should probably try that approach just to see if it works at all.
It's embarrassing, and the worst part is even talking about it would make me sick, and humiliate me too, so I can't tell anybody about this. But I am tired of gagging all the time. Many things have made me nauseated throughout my life, but I don't remember it ever being this much of a constant problem as it is now before. I am wondering if Latuda can worsen OCD type symptoms, but that seems unlikely. There is not as much research on Latuda as there is on older drugs though, so it is possible that this could be an unknown side effect.
I think I will bring it up to my doctor when I see him next week, because I have never discussed this problem with him before, and it has become increasingly bothersome.
The other types of OCD symptoms I've had before are not really problematic. For example, I have a habit of counting which I've had all my life. Like, before I get out of bed I must count to fifty (this is just a random example) forwards and backwards or 100, or something. I would do that when I was nine years old and I still do it sometimes now. But that doesn't make me physically sick. That's just a weird quirk. The gross thoughts are more of a problem, and I want to be rid of them. The only thing that I know for sure which has helped me with obsessive thoughts is Prozac. I only know that it helped me because I've read the posts where I wrote that very thing on this blog. But the last thing I want right now is to go on yet another medication, and I refuse to ask for one. I don't think my doctor would put me on another pill at this point anyway, but I definitely do NOT want any more pills. Taking as many as I already take is bad enough for my liver which has been breaking down pills for 21 years. So I don't know what can be done about these thoughts. If you have any suggestions I am open to hearing them.