Sunday, November 20, 2011

How I know now what is real about my life: after delusions (or: how I know I'm not a robot) and a warning about the internet

Since my last post elicited a response in the comments questioning how I know that I wasn't really a victim of Satanic ritual abuse, I thought I should answer that here, in case anybody else was wondering the same thing when they read my post.

There were so many things I believed when I was psychotic, that I know now were delusions, that to me telling you "this was part of being psychotic" sort of explains it, but perhaps someone reading this won't know what I mean by that, so I'll explain. I thought I was an alien, a robot, the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard (founder of Scientology), a human E-Meter (machine Scientologists use to supposedly find out if a person is telling the truth or not), the reincarnation of Anne Frank, the reincarnation of Jesus Christ, and I thought that I was a victim of government mind control under programs like MKUltra, and a victim of Satanic ritualistic abuse.

The way that I know I was not a victim of such things is the same way I know I'm not a robot, and never was a robot. Everything in reality - which is the realm in which I now, thankfully, live - tells me I'm not a robot. Further, I have no reason whatsoever to believe that I am a robot. There is no evidence I'm a robot. I have no memory of ever having been a robot. And every experience I have had in my entire life, as well as everything I know about anything, indicates that I am very much just a regular human being.

It's not quite as interesting being a regular human being as it is being a robot. I remember when I walked around doing hand gestures that a human E-Meter would make, because I had seen one of these machines, and I knew that it had a little gauge on it, which I assumed I would have on me if I was the human embodiment of said machine. So I would hold my hand up to my mouth and move my finger one way or another depending on if someone was telling a lie. This is rather an interesting way to spend your time if you're completely psychotic and nothing about reality matters to you anymore, but it is rather ridiculous to spend your time in such a way when you're sane. I'm sane now, so I don't do things like that anymore. But I read a funny quote in a book recently by a man with Schizophrenia who was interviewed by the authors. He said, "If you had the choice of being a C.I.A. agent or a mental patient, which would you choose?" And this guy chose to believe he was a C.I.A. agent for years, and refused treatment for his illness. Yes, I also thought I was a C.I.A. agent for years.

Perhaps you have seen the movie the Manchurian Candidate? I thought I was one of those too, just like Denzel Washington. I thought this before that movie even came out, because I read about it online, just like I read about Satanic Ritual Abuse (SRA) online, and came to believe that had been part of my life too. There are some dangers in reading too much when you're already psychotic, because you might start believing in just about anything as being real. I read a lot of things about abuse and, after that itself wasn't enough of an explanation for the bizarre, miserable state of my existence, I read about "worse" things, like SRA and like government torture and mind control programming. And so, those things became part of the story I would tell.

It wasn't like I went into a therapist's office and somebody told me this stuff happened to me. Rather, I read about it, and I heard others talk about some of it, and so I would go in and say, "I think that I am a victim of blah blah blah", and a therapist, being trained of course to never doubt the truth of someone's victimization, would say, "Perhaps you have PTSD and a dissociative disorder". So, what happened after I was telling enough people enough times that I had been molested, was that I ended up going into a treatment center just for people who have been traumatized, which is, I now believe, a truly horrible program that destroys people's lives. And when I was there, I heard two women telling me about how they had been victims of SRA and they had been tortured, and they had seen horrific things and had many horrific things happen to them, and in one case their sisters were murdered by the Masons. So I also became paranoid about the Masons.

I walked around for years, after this hospital trip, actually thinking that people I knew were Satanists in secret, including people who I only knew from a Christian church and school who are devoutly religious, kind, and harmless. I also thought that the Masons took me from where I slept in the middle of the night to the Masonic lodge where they tortured and raped me every night, and when I woke up I simply "didn't remember" it because I blocked it all out. And then I thought I had an implant inside my body that had been put there by the government to monitor my thoughts and my whereabouts, that helicopters circling the Pentagon were really just after me, that I was a trained assassin, and that this was all true. I believed these things after I read other people saying these things happened to them. I really did read that. I read it all online. There are some very strange stories you can find when searching the internet.

At one point, I called the Tahiri Justice Center, a place that I read about in a book about a victim of female genital mutilation in Africa, and I said this whole story to someone on the phone about how I was an assassin, and she claimed to believe me, and gave me the phone number of some deprogrammer guy in another state who might be able to save me. This really happened. Around 2004.

Again, was there any evidence for me to believe I was any of these characters or that I had been through any torture? No. There was none. What there was, however, was every symptom you can imagine of psychosis. Psychosis doesn't just involve thinking things that aren't real, but also seeing and hearing and smelling and feeling things that aren't real, all of which happened to me. The auditory hallucinations have always been the main form of hallucination I've had. The reason I don't have them much now is simply because of one thing: antipsychotic medication. That medication is also the reason I no longer believe I was tortured or had an implant put in my leg, or in my brain, or that electrical wires are being used to program my thoughts. Medication can get rid of such thoughts. Thankfully, it did.

What happened when I did believe all of the things I mentioned above (plus much more that would take too long to mention here and might bore you)? Well, hell.  That's what happened. Total hell. I lived in a nightmare of psychosis for seven years, before I got properly treated for it. During this time, I reported two family members to police and social services for abuse that I thought had happened to me, which didn't happen to me, and which I didn't even remember having had happened to me in the first place. I reported one of them while sitting inside the social worker's office at that trauma treatment program. My dad didn't speak to me for six years. I missed six years of my one sister's life, and the entire first five years of my youngest brother's life, because of all this. Most of my family cut me off, and didn't care whether I lived or died, and some of them probably never forgave me.

I cut myself and said I was doing it because of this horrible abuse that happened to me. The sad fact was, I had been addicted to cutting myself for the same reason I had Anorexia. I do come from a dysfunctional family where there was a lot of chaos and verbal abuse, I did hate myself, and I did have a serious mental illness. I was not healthy. It wasn't about someone implanting a device inside my body. It was about me sitting down and cutting myself, or trying to kill myself. I didn't know that the things I was hearing, which weren't real, were hallucinations. I didn't know anything about psychosis. It occurs to me now that some people reading this blog might not even know what psychosis is, so that's why I'm trying to explain it. I do have a page linked at the top of this blog (the "about this blog" page), that explains it, but since most people who read here seem to know what I'm talking about already, I don't normally go into this kind of description of it.

Lots, and lots, and lots of people think they're Jesus. I have never done a scientific study on it, but I would venture to guess that 100% of those people are psychotic. I have met people who introduced themselves to me by saying, "Hi, I'm God", in the hospital, and I have read enough books on Schizophrenia, and met enough people who have it or who have Schizoaffective Disorder, to understand very well now that things like this are common in psychosis. I think the reason people think they're Jesus is that when you're hearing things, and seeing things that make no sense, and this is a new experience for you, you want to have some explanation for it, and having supernatural experiences is an explanation that makes sense. So, many of us develop religious preoccupation. I was raised to be very religious, and then I decided to leave religion behind, but that's neither here nor there, as I probably would have thought I was Jesus even if there had never been a time in my life where I believed in Jesus.

I will never forget  going into my mom's church with her, when I was floridly psychotic, and truly believing that everyone was clapping for me, and singing for me, because I was Jesus, and my mom was the Holy Ghost. This is not exactly a rational way to think. I was not exactly lucid. I was very sick.

I am very grateful to no longer be so very sick that I think such things. Insanity is, really, not a lot of fun. You might find some parts of it interesting at the time, or you may laugh about it later, but really, it's not a pleasant experience. I never heard nice voices that made me laugh, either. I heard people telling me to die and talking to me about the second Holocaust which I believed was going to happen in the United States, and talking to me about the pregnancy I believed I had for four years (yes, I thought I was pregnant for four years).

Now, I'm not going to say that nobody has been through Satanic ritual abuse in the history of time. I'm saying that I certainly haven't been through it, and I haven't been through lots of other things I used to think. I am not married to Anderson Cooper. He's a TV personality who is gay and would have no interest in me even if we met. But just like I thought I was a victim of SRA, I also thought I was married to Anderson Cooper under the New World Order.

I was homeless several times due to psychosis, and it was very hard to ever keep a roof over my head, or get enough money to survive. It was very hard to get through life at all. I am very lucky to even be here right now. If I hadn't been locked up in a hospital and forced to take antipsychotic medications for six months, I would have ended up dead by suicide six years ago. But I was locked up in a hospital, and I did stay on the medication. The medication worked. I got my sanity back.

I also got well enough to live on my own, have a job that I have kept for years, go back to college, get a degree, go onto another college for a BA degree, have friends, do advocacy work through NAMI and some public speaking to help raise some awareness, and participate in other activist activities. What I don't do anymore is spend my time reading people's stories of horrific abuse by Satanic cults, among other things. I am really glad to have a decent life now where I no longer do things like that with my time. I'm also really glad to believe in scientific facts, and to read enough to know that the things that I used to think had happened to me, obviously did not happen to me, and the beliefs I had definitely were signs of a very real illness. This is a biochemical illness, involving the neurotransmitters in my brain, and that is why medications which treat the neurotransmitter problem control the symptoms for me so that I can be my regular self when that medication is properly administered, as opposed to being completely out of my mind when not on that medication. That I know I have this illness means that I no longer need any other explanations that I might come up with in my imagination about what is "wrong" with me. There is an illness. It has a name. It's called Schizoaffective Disorder. That is my explanation.

Somewhere there are records that state that I had a dissociative disorder. And I only wish that I knew the names of everybody who had those records right now, so I could write them a letter and explain psychosis to them so they don't overlook it the next time it is sitting in front of their face.

I also will say, as I have written before here, I definitely never had Dissociative Identity Disorder. I simply diagnosed myself with it, and then got people to agree with me that I might have it. I did this after reading about it, and after having no way of understanding why I was having such emotional havoc in my life and wanting to die and doing bizarre, manic things, etc. I used to believe there were parts of me, with names that were not my name, and I would actually tell people this about myself. And I got people to believe it. I believed it too. But not totally. I think there was a very real "part" of me that always knew this was all something coming out of my imagination. It's embarrassing to admit that, and some of the stuff I did during that time period is stuff I am so ashamed of you will never read about it. But once I got past the psychosis, through medications, I stopped thinking that sort of thing and doing the shameful stuff or telling people things that were not true. I now believe the books and research that indicate DID is really quite rare and not the common phenomenon it seems to be if you read certain websites too much. I am glad that I now have the sanity to know that, because I live in the real world now. (Also, I should mention that when I believed I had other personalities, I was fully aware that  this was something I was doing, and I never "lost time", or did things without knowing I was doing them. Which is interesting because to actually have DID you are supposed to be unaware of your "alters", and I never was.)

So, hopefully this post answers the question of how I know I was not abused by a Satanic cult. If it doesn't, I'm not really sure how else I can explain it, but I can tell you that if you read the past few years of posts on this blog, that should be a good explanation. (Not that I expect anybody to spend their time doing that, I'm just saying, it would serve as a good explanation).

This post might also explain a bit too.

And a word of caution:  be careful what you read on the internet. Surviving Schizophrenia is a really good book that helps explain psychosis. I read it when I started to get better.


  1. Every time I read parts of your story Jen, I want to cry and cheer simultaneously. I'm devastated that anyone would go through such torment, but so relieved that you are now doing so well. You describe psychosis incredibly clearly and without "decoration" or embellishment. I hope to one day read a book you write about your life.

    You make such a valid point about the internet, and how much we can be influenced by what we read. I can be a terrible hypochondriac and need to resist the self-diagnosis available via the internet and medical books. I can understand how you believed so many terrible things.

    Once again, major kudos to you for your survival and I hope you continue to prosper! Love, Lil xx

  2. Dear Jen,

    Thank you for writing about your experiences with psychosis. I identify with so much of it, though I didn't go through anywhere near as much as you did. I was in and out of acute psychosis for the first three and a half years when I didn't take the anti-psychotic medications consistently. I've read that it takes an average of eight years before an individual with schizophrenia starts taking the medication, so I spiralled out of it rather early. I hope that average is getting reduced and more people are doing early intervention and waking up to what it is that is "wrong" with them.

    I, too, have thought I was Jesus. Recently I dipped into some of that type of grandiose thinking. The I-am-special and important people will want to know me kind of budding delusion. It's disturbing when little things can stir up BIG delusions. But we are very fortunate in that we have insight and now can talk ourselves out of paranoia and delusion.

    I, too, thought that I had what was then called Multiple Personality Disorder or rather I thought that the rock star that I imagined I was telepathically connected to had it and since he was in my mind, I was interacting with his alters. They had individual names and personalities, but didn't take over my personality or blank me out or whatever. I bought a bunch of books on MPD both clinical and accounts or memoirs of extreme sexual abuse in early childhood leading to the fragmentation of self. So I thought that my rock star had been sexually abused and that's why our connection was so traumatized. I also bought books, many of which I still have, on the nature of evil, hate, abuse and yes, cults. During my last breakdown ten years ago, I thought there was some kind of sex cult that involved parents spying on their children. I was going to art college at the time and I thought a minority of the students were being abused this way. I felt such sympathy but also such helplessness.

    I think your story is amazing and your recall phenomenal and I also hope that one day (maybe soon?) you will begin work on your book. I would love to read your story Jen! What a journey you've been through. You have the gift of being a writer and you have a story that needs to be heard.

    Love, Kate : )

  3. Thanks, Lil! I am sorry you've been through similar things, but I really appreciate your comments on my posts. They are always encouraging. Maybe I will write a book someday; I don't know how I would get it published but it might be worth a try. You should write one; I would read it.

    Thanks, Kate! I think it's interesting you had similar thoughts about multiple personality disorder. This is probably common since so many people have confused schizophrenia with 'split personalities' for such a long time, and they think it is the say thing, plus I think that even though statistically a lot more people suffer from psychosis than from DID/MPD, there has been media focus on the multiple personality issue since it gets overly sensationalized into stupid books like Sybil. I am reading an interesting book called Sybil Exposed that argues that she did not even have that disorder. Thanks so much for your supportive comments.


I welcome comments from all readers and encourage you to leave them! Please do. However, due to spam, I review each comment before it can be posted, so it may take 24-48 hours before your comment appears on the blog. Please be patient. I post comments that are not spam.Note: my definition of "spam" includes ALL links to sites claiming to cure or provide "the solution" for incurable diseases such as Schizoaffective Disorder and Schizophrenia. Vulnerable people come to my blog, and I will not let them be preyed upon, but people who post snake oil remedies on the internets. Take your garbage and peddle it elsewhere. Since Blogger doesn't weed all that garbage out, I've been doing it myself for years.