The way things are going, I might be forced to withdraw, but that would be a big problem. One of the reasons it would be a problem is that this university now has a strict rule about how many times you can withdraw, and I have already withdrawn from many classes at the community college, particularly when I was not on antipsychotics yet. To further complicate things, I get financial aid and I already used up significant money on tuition plus expenses, and if I withdraw I'd be faced with repaying this money as well not being able to get financial aid easily next semester, if I came back next semester, or next year, if I came back then. Also, if I withdraw, my student loans will go into repayment mode, and I can't afford to start repaying them. So because of these reasons, I really do not want to withdraw. Also, I really do not want to withdraw because I am really going to be disappointed and depressed about having to withdraw again if it comes to that. I have taken classes every fall and spring, as well as some summer semesters, since 2008 without withdrawing or getting and Incomplete. It is really not an acceptable to me that I would have to revert to withdrawing again. I do not want to feel like a failure or give up.
I don't know what I am going to do. If it comes to the point that I have to withdraw, then it is not the end of the world, I guess, but I really want to avoid that. It is just impossible to think well right now. Someone gave a presentation in my class and I have no idea what she talked about since I couldn't focus on it. It's too bad that the person giving the presentation was the same person who takes notes for me in the class, because I took very few notes of this myself!
Right now, I am in the library. It's pretty ridiculous to be in a library right now. I mean, it's not like I can read anything. But I thought about it for some length of time (I don't know how long), while sitting in a student lounge, and finally decided that I would force myself to go to the library and force myself to try to study whether or not it is entirely futile to do so, because part of me keeps thinking that if I try hard enough I will be able to overcome my inability to focus. I suppose you can overcome it to some degree, some of the time, but when things are like they are right now, it is pretty impossible. I can't even follow Facebook anymore, so I don't bother looking at people's posts while I'm at work. I used to spend a lot of time looking at articles that people posted links to via Facebook. But it's not like I can read a lot of articles right now. Plus, I don't really care about much of anything other than my inability to function. I am normally not so focused on myself and my problems, but it is really difficult to think about other things at this point, because of how difficult things are, and how hard it is to do anything the way I would normally be doing it if I was not this way.
I wrote down some observations about things and came to the conclusion that going off the Latuda has definitely not improved me. It is pretty obvious now that being on that medication was not the cause of this situation. I mean, the medication wasn't helping me, but it was also probably not making me any worse.
I wonder how anybody ever gets through college like this. I did get an AA degree finally last year, but I couldn't do that now. I wonder how people get their bachelor's degrees or master's degrees or PhD's while they're psychotic. The answer is, probably, most people don't. There are a few exceptions, like the people with Schizophrenia such as John Nash, or Elyn Saks who got advanced degrees while being psychotic. But most people can't do that. I don't know how they could do that. At the same time, I know that the last semester I was in school, which was this past spring, I did perfectly fine without trouble. I also was doing pretty well at the beginning of this semester. So this is not a permanent situation of being stuck inside cement (that's what it feels like), unable to do things. But I really wish that there was a quick fix for it so I could get through these next few weeks of school. I don't care if I can't take classes next semester; that's fine. I just want to be able to finish this semester, without quitting. But my brain is not cooperating with what I wish it to do.