Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I'm gonna kill the bear

Before this semester started, a friend of mine who was my professor years ago sent me a clip from Youtube to this scene from "The Edge". I have never seen that movie, and since I'm a vegetarian and don't believe in killing animals, unless they are eating you alive or perhaps if you are starving to death, I probably wouldn't want to watch that movie. But I liked this scene and the point of it stuck with me today, as I was thinking,"kill the bear", at school. I took both of my tests, which I thought I was going to fail, today. The reason I did this was, as I mentioned before,  I would be getting into a terrible quagmire with financial aid if I withdrew again and I know that I would get extremely depressed if I withdrew. So I told myself, whether or not I failed them, I was going to take these damn tests.

I got A's on both my tests. This was very surprising to me! In the one class, the professor had stated nobody  could pass the test without reading the textbook. I did not read any of the chapters because every time I tried, my brain refused to focus on it. But I did fine. Since I had told her a couple of days ago that I was going to withdraw rather than fail her class, and then I changed my mind and took this test anyway this morning (in the disabilities office), my professor asked me if I got her email today when I got to class. I said no, I hadn't been on email today. She smiled and said, "You did fine". I assumed this meant I got a C on the test. At the end of the class, when she handed us our tests she asked me if I was surprised and I really was quite surprised. After that I decided to go ahead and take the other test that she had allowed me to put off, and I did fine with that one too.

I am glad I didn't withdraw now. This is not easy, by any means, right now. I mean, life in general is not easy for me right now. But if I gave up on everything, then it would be worse. Sometimes you have to tell yourself you are going to kill the bear.

Thank you to everyone who responded to my post on trying to get through college the other day!


  1. Hooray! I couldn't be happier for you Jen. Good on you for killing this particular bear (-:

  2. Thank you, Lil! I appreciate your support! ;)

  3. Yep, this is such a support for me! If you can do it, I can do it too.

  4. Oh Jen that is fantastic news!! I knew you had it in you. Test are so hard but I am thrilled you were open about needing to take the test in a more secluded environment. Keep it up girl.

  5. Holy crap, aren't you incredibly excited???? That's wonderful news. And it doesn't surprise me. I would bet you are absorbing more than you think you are.

    Congratulations. I am so glad you decided to go ahead and take the tests!


  6. Jay: That's good; I'm glad!

    Afton: Thank you! I am definitely glad I took the test.

    Chelle: Yes! I *am* very excited! Thanks!

  7. I read: I got A's on both my tests..

    and then realized I had the biggest smile on my face. Congrats..congrats...congrats. ~Mary

  8. I wanted to just thank you for your blog. I am bipolar, and I just tracked down a long lost love from my 20's - his diagnosis sounds very similar to yours. His parents don't want me to communicate with him because they are certain that he will drop everything to travel across country to see me. I've come across many blogs by persons with Schizoaffective disorder who lead VERY productive lives. I don't know how it's working for him, but I am so happy that you have gained your dignity and stability and can lead a fulfilling life. That's really all it's about, personal fulfillment.
    Best wishes!


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