Monday, March 21, 2011

It will come again.

Today I heard several women scream my name. It could have been someone calling her friend named Jennifer on my college campus, by yelling across the building, but when I looked I didn't see anyone calling anyone that I could discern, albeit I didn't look for long. Because I knew. The way I always know. The "voices" are back. The other day it started out as olfactory hallucinations. I was having a yard sale and I thought there was dog crap around that I kept smelling but there wasn't and there was no dog (and nothing on my shoes, thank the universe) and then other smells happened within that same 24 hour period that were probably hallucinations. Though I can't, of course, be totally sure something is not real when it seems very real.

Then today at work this woman called, and I was totally sure it was a person who I knew once years ago who I would really, really not want to be in contact with again, and who I would not want to know my whereabouts at all, and so I started freaking out about that and how she tracked me down, so I changed some settings on Facebook to make it harder for her to harass me. And I was sure, because I work in a call center, that I was being monitored today by my boss, but then when my boss left, I still kept hearing the noises on the phone that would indicate someone was monitoring me. So I thought it was my boss's boss, and then I thought it was the police or the FBI. Another person called and she said something to the effect of "we got you" or "you can't get out", something like that, I can't remember the exact words, and I knew what she meant and it had nothing to do with my job. Another woman called and she said, "you're okay, Jennifer," and I thought, oh, this is someone who's in on it but is trying to be nice to me.

And all along I knew none of this was really happening. Probably.

I think I mentioned in my previous post, which was all of yesterday (yes, I have been posting a lot of misery here lately, sorry) that I feared psychotic symptoms were starting up again. And they are.

Who knows how far down the rabbit hole I will go. But I will not go willingly, that much is for sure.

The mental health agency that owns my apartment is screwing over the people who live here. It is a long and rather sordid tale, and I don't feel comfortable giving out too much personal details about where I live right now here, so I'm not going into it, but suffice it to say, I have been through hell over this situation and I am still in the situation. I really wish these people would think about who they're dealing with here. It is, after all, A FUCKING COMMUNITY MENTAL HEALTH AGENCY, which might lend one to believe they should be concerned about their tenants' mental health. And they obviously are not. I am not the only emotional wreck in the building right now. My neighbor below was told she had to move with less than two weeks notice; she is very upset, and I don't blame her.

I'm tired of dealing with this situation, but it's not going to end any time soon, because of the circumstances. So all I can do is try to hold on tightly to the sanity I do have and watch carefully whatever happens with the sanity I lack.

I will get through this. I can get through a lot of things. So I can get through this. I am sick to my stomach at all times, a frenetic, disorganized disaster and an emotional wreck with a mind that won't work correctly and experiencing psychotic symptoms, but I will get through this.

My friend Kate sent me a nice care package the other day and it couldn't have come at a better time. I met Kate by writing this blog. So, this blog has had some positive effects on my life. It has given me a place for my voice. It has given me comrades in the throes of it with me. It has given me a home where I can let out who I really am any time I want. It has given me solace. It has given me a way to track my symptoms, and monitor the highs, the lows, the medications' side effects, and what triggers me to have more symptoms. Without this blog I might not know that stress can cause me to be where I currently am mentally, and that as long as that stress continues, the symptoms will likely continue as well.

Above all, this blog has given me a way to tell my story of how I survived suicide, so it would be antithetical to come here and write about the aftermath of that for six years, and then go and kill myself. I will not kill myself. I will continue the "good" fight, though it doesn't always feel so good.

One of my favorite poem bits:

A lively understandable spirit

Once entertained you.

It will come again.

Be still.


— Theodore Roethke


  1. Hi Jen,
    I'm sorry to hear that you're having hallucinations again, but I'm glad that you can recognize them as such, and that you're fighting the downward spiral.

    I hope that writing your blog helps you. And I hope that you have a therapist or someone nearby that you can talk to about these things. My best wishes to you.

  2. Even when you can recognize the hallucinations, it's always nerve-racking as you spend so much mental energy trying to work it out. I totally understand those hallucinations. I think I smell crap, ammonia and cigarette/cigar smoke all the time.

    I'm glad that you're a fighter and won't let this f'ing disease take your life. I'm with you. I've had a shitty week already and find inspiration in your strength.

    As for your living situation; I don't get people who go into the mental health field and then seem to not know a damn thing about it!! When I was in the hospital they made me take all my meds at once, which is absurd. It's not good taking an anti-psychotic an anti-depressant at the same time. Ugh. It felt more like a prison than a hospital.

    Keep on fighting and don't let the bastards, keep ya down too long.

  3. Jen, I'm sorry. I know it sucks, but I also know that you can handle this. You're amazing in your self-awareness and your dedication to yourself. Amazing.

    And you're not alone. We're all here, and you're so appreciated. Thank you for being amazing. I needed to read this post. I too find inspiration in your blog. Haven't been willing to talk about it, but a couple days ago, I started hearing the phone ring. I know (?) they're trying to find me. I don't own a phone. I know I don't own a phone, so I haven't answered the call. No human voices (yet)...Working on taking some control back.

    Thank you for sharing. Keep fighting. It's hard, but there's always another side if we hold on and hold out long enough to get there.

  4. D.R. - Thank you; I do have a good therapist who I get to see on Friday, and I really need to see her, so I am loking forward to that. I have a case manager too, but she has to close my case soon since I haven't been hospitalized in three years, so I don't qualify for case management services anymore, and I'm really, really going to miss her.

    H.B.W., So true, even when you know it's a hallucination, you still go through hell with it. Knowing what it is does not make it go away. I mentioned on here partly because if I tell people on here that I'm hallucinating, this telling in itself reinforces the idea (fact?) that I am hallucinating and the stuff is not real. Thanks for all your understanding and comraderie.

    Backward E, Thanks for what you said there; I really appreciate that especially coming from someone as strong and smart as you are. I am sorry you're hearing the phone ring; funny though because I have also heard my phone ring, and I do have a phone, but it is sometimes turned off or not with me, when I hear it ringing. I'm glad you're fighting to get some control over the symptoms.

    It's a hard fight for all of us, but we can only do what we can and manage it as best we can. I appreciate everyone who takes time to leave such kind comments here. It really makes me feel less alone in the world.

  5. Jen..This to will pass. Have just returned clicking happen-stance for me (thank you and serendipity) to your blog and am distressed to hear where you are just now but please believe you will move through this ...again. Have followed and admired your painful honest insight to these unbidden distortions that somehow hatch and develop to whip the mat from under ones's seemingly grounded feet. Courage mon amie
    Chris UK
    Someone living alongside and grateful for your sharing


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