Sunday, March 20, 2011

sad & anxious mix

I cannot describe how anxious, terrified, and severely depressed I am right now. Suffice it to say, it is the worst it's been in years. I don't normally feel like this anymore, and I am concerned about developing psychotic symptoms which seem to be starting out already with mild ones. I am going through a situation where I have no idea  where  I am going to be living soon. And that scares the hell out of me. After you've been homeless and lived in three different shelters in the past, it is terrifying to lose your stable place of living. I have fleeting thoughts of suicide, which is very abnormal for me now that I'm doing better than the years when that was frequent. I definitely will not kill myself, but that I feel so low to think about it, well, that's how low I am now. That's about all I can say. These songs explain the rest.

Edit The Next Day: This post is really lame. I apologize. It sounds pathetic and stupid, and these songs are dumb. I would delete it, but you know, everybody is lame once in a while. So, oh well. It was late at night when I wrote the post and for some reason it seemed like a good idea at the time. Usually I don't get this depressed, so of course getting this way again, reminded me of my days when I was young and always depressed, and I suppose that is why I posted that music. Sorry about that.


7 comments:

Linda said...

Hello Jen,
I completely understand how you feel. I also used to say that there was no way that I would kill myself, and only Thursday I had such a bad spell that the thought was really appealing, so much so that I wrote a good bye letter.

I am still here, and I will still fight this battle, although sometimes it feels like I've lost already, but my words to you are, hang in there! There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

I know it is really hard and the uncertainty must be killing you, but I believe everything happens for a reason, and it might be that this new place will be just what you need to start your step upwards to recovery!

I'm thinking of you in this difficult time, and please hang on in there!

Linda

Jen Daisybee said...

Thank you, Linda. I appreciate that. I'm glad you did not go through with your plans and I hope you feel better soon too. I definitely don't want to die, but I get this overwhelmed feeling and then the thoughts come that "well there's no other solution", which is silly, because of course if I've lived through those thoughts a million times before, I can surely live through them again. It's just that things are really upsetting and unsettling right now. Thanks for your words.

Stephi said...

Hi Jen, I am glad that you are feeling better today. Don't apoloigize for your emotions plus this is YOUR blog you can express yourself any way you want to on here.

The insecurity of not knowing where you will live soon- especially for someone suffering from a mental illness must be overwhelming. Be gentle with yourself. And scream out for your social worker/ doctor/ agency/ psychiatrist/ psychologist/ family/ friends/ work/ fellow bloggers to help you. These people are hear to help you!.

Best of luck with this and I will check back to see how you are doing:)

Will said...

Dear Jen,
Hope that the day has found you some improved. Often our moods and chemicals are aggrevated by our circumstances and I hope your circumstances will improve soon. Know that we, your cyber audience of never seen friends, care a great deal about what happens to you and only want the best in your life. I look forward to your posts and will continue to send positive thoughts your way.
-Will

Wanderer62 said...

Jen, I sent a care package out to you last Thursday. Hopefully it will arrive soon and maybe cheer you up. I respect you for your honesty. Thanks for sharing your experience, be it an up experience or a down one, either way what you say has value. I am very happy that you are in the world.

Kate

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

Don't worry about something sounding "stupid" on your blog. I found it very cogent and obviously something that your subconsciousness needed to express. You never have to worry about something sounding lame or whatever to your fellow mental patients.

We understand how complicated and mixed-emotions this damn roller coaster can be. So, just let it all out. This is therapy and there is no wrong way to express yourself in therapy.

As for the housing situation, I have empathy for you. It's a big stresser for me as well. When we have the slightest money problem, my mind has me convinced that this will end in dying homeless in the streets. It's hard to shake, so I can only imagine the stress it's causing you.

I hope the situation is resolved in your favor and that in the meantime you can find an outlet for your stress. This blog is a great place for such expression. Let it rip.

Borderline Lil said...

I'm sorry things are difficult right now, but relieved that the edit showed you were feeling more upbeat. Take care xx

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