Tuesday, March 08, 2011
It's been a long trip, with little days in it and no new places
The title of this post is a line from an Anne Sexton poem in the book, "Live or Die". I always think of that line and say it to myself when I'm depressed. I memorized the poem when I was 17. That was a long time ago. Anne is pictured above.
I've dealt with depression since I was 13, which means many, many, many years. The psychosis, in this past decade, was my main problem and outweighed the depression, but the depression always returns, like a cancer on my brain.
I think it is largely situational right now. I have a number of things on my plate that are worrisome. I am finishing college late in life, and I have to decide what major I am going to actually complete, which involves deciding whether or not to move to another city, a task that is very daunting to say the least. Where I live now, I have my support system set up. I have my therapist, doctor, case manager, nurse who gives me my injections of Risperdal Consta, and my little apartment, and my little college, and my decent, part-time job that is not too strenuous most of the time. But to leave all of that behind....
I couldn't do that. I also couldn't find a decent, affordable place to live in the other city where I wouldn't have any mental health services set-up before moving there, since community mental health centers only see you if you live in their community. Yet, moving to this other city would be pretty much required for me to get a degree in social work, which is the degree I want to get.
It's a conundrum. It's really a nightmare. I am investing a lot of time and money right now into a degree that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to use and that I'm not sure I want.
And then there is the move hanging over my head, looming ominous as a black cat on Halloween right after you walk under a ladder. I don't think I am going to be the least bit prepared to move before the time comes, and the time is coming soon. The landlord still hasn't returned my phone calls to tell me when I'll be moving, but the construction workers told my neighbor it would be at the end of March. That leaves me no time, since I can only do a lot of packing and housework on the weekends, and I have a lot of stuff, mostly clothes that need to be sorted through that have been various baskets and piles on my bedroom floor for the past year.
I have to get through this time period, by I am so overwhelmed with anxiety, I never know where to start. I made some progress on cleaning my apartment this past weekend, but that is nothing compared to what still needs to be done, and this is all before even beginning to pack. It really pays to procrastinate at all times.
I wish I was the kind of person who didn't get overwhelmed, panicked and severely depressed when faced with difficult tasks. But that is what I do sometimes. I'm afraid I'm on the verge of a breakdown type period. Which cannot happen at this time. I really need to figure this situation out and dig myself out of this hole.
Off Topic Blog Note:I have improved the Suicide Resources page and added an FAQ page to this blog at the top, because so many people have asked me the same questions or have visited here looking for information on suicide. Your feedback would be appreciated. If you have suggestions for additions to these pages, please let me know.
Being able to come to this blog and write how I really feel, while all else in my life right now is about pretending to be happy, is quite a relief.