Tuesday, March 08, 2011

It's been a long trip, with little days in it and no new places

The title of this post is a line from an Anne Sexton poem in the book, "Live or Die". I always think of that line and say it to myself when I'm depressed. I memorized the poem when I was 17. That was a long time ago. Anne is pictured above.

I've dealt with depression since I was 13, which means many, many, many years. The psychosis, in this past decade, was my main problem and outweighed the depression, but the depression always returns, like a cancer on my brain.

I think it is largely situational right now. I have a number of things on my plate that are worrisome. I am finishing college late in life, and I have to decide what major I am going to actually complete, which involves deciding whether or not to move to another city, a task that is very daunting to say the least. Where I live now, I have my support system set up. I have my therapist, doctor, case manager, nurse who gives me my injections of Risperdal Consta, and my little apartment, and my little college, and my decent, part-time job that is not too strenuous most of the time. But to leave all of that behind....

I couldn't do that. I also couldn't find a decent, affordable place to live in the other city where I wouldn't have any mental health services set-up before moving there, since community mental health centers only see you if you live in their community. Yet, moving to this other city would be pretty much required for me to get a degree in social work, which is the degree I want to get.

It's a conundrum. It's really a nightmare. I am investing a lot of time and money right now into a degree that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to use and that I'm not sure I want.

And then there is the move hanging over my head, looming ominous as a black cat on Halloween right after you walk under a ladder. I don't think I am going to be the least bit prepared to move before the time comes, and the time is coming soon. The landlord still hasn't returned my phone calls to tell me when I'll be moving, but the construction workers told my neighbor it would be at the end of March. That leaves me no time, since I can only do a lot of packing and housework on the weekends, and I have a lot of stuff, mostly clothes that need to be sorted through that have been various baskets and piles on my bedroom floor for the past year.

I have to get through this time period, by I am so overwhelmed with anxiety, I never know where to start. I made some progress on cleaning my apartment this past weekend, but that is nothing compared to what still needs to be done, and this is all before even beginning to pack. It really pays to procrastinate at all times.

I wish I was the kind of person who didn't get overwhelmed, panicked and severely depressed when faced with difficult tasks. But that is what I do sometimes. I'm afraid I'm on the verge of a breakdown type period. Which cannot happen at this time. I really need to figure this situation out and dig myself out of this hole.

Off Topic Blog Note:I have improved the Suicide Resources page and added an FAQ page to this blog at the top, because so many people have asked me the same questions or have visited here looking for information on suicide. Your feedback would be appreciated. If you have suggestions for additions to these pages, please let me know.

Being able to come to this blog and write how I really feel, while all else in my life right now is about pretending to be happy, is quite a relief.


  1. Oh, I know that feeling when some major life circrumstance is about to happen- no matter how little it is I get so overwhelmed which increases my anxiety to boiling point. Then I procrastinate which puts me in a painful depression. I am looking for a job right now and this is what's happening.

    You have probably been asked this a million times, but is there no one that can help you? friends? volunteers from the agency? Can you hire someone? I can understand if money may be an objective. I have moved countries 3 times in my adult life and moved house more times than I can remember. I used to divide the room up in sections give them numbers and pack and clean one section at a time.

    As for moving cities, that is daunting but if that is what you are meant to do then you might find that things will fall into place with everything else.

    All the best with everything, I know it's not easy but it will pass...

  2. Hi Jen,
    I haven't been in exactly the same situation that you are dealing with, but I can relate. I'm also stuck in a situation that has lots of inbuilt stress at the moment, but aren't in a position to change right now.

    It sounds like you've built up a good support network, and moving to another city without one sounds like it could be risky for you. You know yourself better than anyone, and I guess the best thing anyone can do is look at themselves, their past history and capacities, and try to make a reasonable prediction of what the outcome would be based on that.

    Something that helps me is achieving one small thing at a time. It isn't a cure-all, but it does help a little. Taking baby steps can be really useful. When I achieve something, I'm sometimes even pleased with myself!

  3. You are doing so well in your current city that I couldn't imagine you changing any of it. That being said I also think you are very brave and intelligent and if you wanted to pursue your degree in another city that you can do it. But then again who knows what the future holds.

    I too would be stressed out about the moving apartments. They need to let you know at least 2 weeks ahead of time cause moving is no small task...even if it is just down the hall. I am wishing you all the best.

  4. Stephi - You're right, I do the sam thing, with procrastinating. I do have a mom who could help perhaps, but she tends to like to throw everything in the garbage when cleaning or organizing, and I don't want someone throwing out my stuff, which is what what would happen (I know from experience). I don't really have anyone else around here who would be someone I could ask to help me pack things. I am extremely disorganized, and it would be really difficult to have anyone else see this mess. When it comes to actually moving the stuff the apartment owners are apparently going to have the maintenance guys help with that. And my brother might help.

    D.R. - You're right, it does help to take things one small step at a time. I forget to do that sometimes. I tend to have all-or-nothing, black-or-white thinking about stuff I need to do, so it becomes a huge, looming task hanging over my head and my therapist has pointed out that thinking like this is not helping me.

    In the Pink -thanks for saying that. I do think it would be a dangerous thing for me to try to move. If I trusted my car more, I could probably go to this other college without a even moving. But my car has over 115,000 miles on it, and it's not in that great of shape. Anyway, I will figure this out.


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