Sunday, November 14, 2010

I have few words but I will tell you why

It's probably mostly a hormonal issues, but I am feeling quite depressed. I could not function well today. All I want to do is sleep. That's all I feel capable of doing. I am so incredibly tired. My rheumatologist gave me a B-12 shot the other day, but it didn't help.

I start to think of depressing things when I'm depressed, because that is what you do. I was thinking about things that happened to me when I was psychotic. Things I rarely talk about. Bad things. I think some of that was traumatizing.

I also start to think about how lonely I am, and how alone I am. I have not dated anybody since Jim and I broke up which will be three years ago in January. I don't believe anyone would be interested in me because I'm so overweight now. I know how stupid and superficial that sounds, but it's also how the world works.

Sometimes I also start to think about how I'll never have children. I couldn't bring a child into my life. My life is already too complicated. I couldn't put a child through the huge amount of chemicals I ingest every day either. I won't probably ever meet someone I could have children with. I don't have enough energy - due to physical health problems - to chase after a kid. And I was never a person who had a burning desire to have children. But I'd like to have the option, at least, and I really don't have it.

I am considered really abnormal by some of my family members who don't really know me, I'm sure. My cousins do not have mental illnesses, as far as I know, and they are all married or getting married and having kids and buying houses. I can't even imagine being able to do all those things. I can't even imagine working full time with the mental health and physical health problems I have. Right now my Immunoglobulins are low because of Sjogren's Syndrome. I don't want to go on another medication though, so my doctor isn't going to do anything about that other than give me antibiotics when I end up sick. I used to take this drug for autoimmune diseases called Plaquenil but it has side effects, and I'm already taking an entire pharmacy worth of medication on a daily basis.

I don't like myself much. This is something that I think about when I'm depressed, too. I'm ashamed of a lot of things about myself. I did a lot of things when I was not yet in treatment and diagnosed that I would never normally do.

I'm getting older every day. My mom noticed I had one gray hair yesterday, just a reminder that I'm aging like everyone else. I missed out on my 20's because I was severely mentally and physically ill most of the time. Now my 30's are passing by. I do have a pretty full life now, but I don't have many friends at all. I don't have a lot of close relationships. And I wish I did.

I don't have anything very positive to say right now. It's possible my antidepressant, Wellbutrin, is not working properly. It's also possible the birth control pill I'm taking to regulate my monthly cycle is making me depressed, as such pills often do. I will have to figure this out.

I know this down time will pass.

Addition to this post:
After thinking about it, I decided to delete the rest of this post because I don't want people in my family read what was here about certain things that happened to me when I was psychotic.


  1. Jen, it sounds as if you need to work through with your therapist some of the things you did that made you feel badly when you were deeply psychotic. Being raped and being in sexual situations with men who took advantage of you are very serious life events. Of course they are bound to leave you with emotional scars. But do not let that drag you down.

    You are a smart, vital, sensitive woman and you are really doing some good things with your life. I have found that when I am anxious and/or depressed that that is definitely NOT the time to dwell on negative past experiences or worries about the future. Stay in the present and focus on what is right and good in your life right this moment. So work on more negative issues when you are feeling more safe and stable, that's what I'm trying to learn how to do myself.

    I'm sure there are many men who would be interested in you despite the fact that you are overweight because they too probably are not perfect either, maybe they are overweight and lonely the way you are. The way the world works is that imperfect people hook up with other imperfect people, some quite happily. The question is -- are you ready to date again? There's a site I haven't been to in a while called for people looking for friends and lovers who also have mental health issues. Check out the link on my blog. Maybe you can sign up and see if there are any people living in your area of the world to go out with. Otherwise there are dating services to check out.

    As for friends, have you tried reaching out to the people in your classes, in the NAMI group or your NOW group? You have some golden opportunities there to connect with others, opportunities that I don't yet have where I live. If you can dedicate yourself to school work and to advocacy programs, I'm positive that you could cultivate a couple of friendships if you set your mind to it. Don't give up on trying for that.


  2. Thank you, Kate. I appreciate your help and suggestions. I do need to talk to my therapist about some things. I had to delete some of this post because I am afraid of certain people reading it and I'm not ashamed because it wasn't anything I did wrong, however it's not something I want certain people to know.

  3. I completely agree with Kate's comments. You have so much to offer a man, Jen, and please don't close yourself off to the possibility! I am 40, and still very overweight despite weight loss surgery, and yet met a lovely man on the internet this year. If it can happen for me, it really can happen for anyone!

    I take Plaquenil for my Lupus and I constantly worry about my eyes (as that's one of the side effects and I already had to have one retina re-attached). Take care, hope you feel brighter soon lovely lady xx

  4. Hello Jen, I came across your blog somehow and I feel very emotional about it. I'm surprised to see such an organized, bright and enlighted person like you even thought you have particular characteristics that could influence you otherwise. Well done, Jen, may you be proud of yourself just like I am for you. You may feel lonely, but know that you are NOT alone.
    Lots of love


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