Monday, October 18, 2010

down in the doldrums right now


I'm used to being exhausted, but it is still annoying when it occurs. I have been depressed and exhausted a bit lately. This weekend, I did nothing but lie around and sleep most of the time. I'm not usually like that. I like to get things done; I'm busy, and usually pretty productive. I am not lazy. But depression and physical exhaustion are both problems I've dealt with a lot in my life. I don't label myself with "chronic fatigue" anymore, because the years when I was living under that label were a nightmarish hell, and also because it was never an accurate diagnosis. But I am very fatigued sometimes. The illnesses I do have are the reason for that.

Another reason is the overwhelming, paralyzing terror I have about having to move soon. I am not prepared. I have packed nothing. The landlord agency has not told anyone in our building when we will be moving yet. But it is supposed to be within the next two months. Maybe one month. We are moving into renovated units in the building. I am not looking forward to this work. I have a lot of stuff. I'm not a hoarder, but I don't throw things in the trash all the time like my mother does. I have a lot of clothes that don't fit, but I keep them for the day when they will fit again. They are piled up in my bedroom in containers. I'm not very organized, as I've mentioned here before.

I am so angry at myself that I accomplished nothing this weekend but grocery shopping. I am so mad at myself every time I do something like this. But at the same time, if you're tired enough to sleep all day, maybe you need to sleep.

Going back to see my old therapist again the other day was wonderful. I had missed her a lot for a long time. She and I have a history that couldn't be replaced with somebody else, so even though it is a big expense for me to pay for therapy out-of-pocket, I'm going to be doing that twice a month. I can't afford to go more often than that. I think it will be helpful. She gives good advice, offers her thoughts on things, reads a lot of research, and gives me articles to read. She recommends books, and she looks for the root cause of things rather than just sitting there giving me no feedback. She is truly helpful.

So, I have hope. I usually do have hope. Even when I'm really depressed, I have hope. I am just so tired lately. I think that I push myself so much during the week, by the time the weekend comes, my body just gives out and refuses to cooperate. But I could have forced myself to do some packing today, and I didn't. I chose to allow myself to be depressed, and sleep. That was a stupid choice. I am not doing that next weekend.

I'm hoping to get off Seroquel soon. I talked to the LPN (nurse) who gives me my Risperdal Consta injections every two weeks about my history with weight gain on the various antipsychotics I've been on, and we figured out that Seroquel seems to be the main culprit. I hate having to take a drug that has caused me to become obese and pre-diabetic. It works for me, though, and that is why I am afraid that going off of it will cause symptoms to return that I can't deal with. So it's a catch 22. I'm not sure what the best thing is, but most likely, I'll talk to my ARNP (nurse practitioner who prescribes meds) and reduce the dosage and see how that goes. I would so love to be able to live without needing so much medication! I would so love to be able to lose weight and not feel like I am starving to death all the time. I would so love to get off Seroquel.

1 comment:

The Depressed Reader said...

We can only do what we can do. We don't have any more energy than we have, and if we have pushed ourselves a lot during the week, crashing on the weekend is necessary. Don't feel bad about it, you're doing the best you can with the resources you have.

I'm glad you get the chance to see your old therapist, even if it is just a couple of times a month, and even though you have to pay out of your own pocket. Mine is away at the moment but I seem to be managing.

Packing is never fun, so good luck with it. Maybe start with packing a few small things, and work up from there. Procrastinating until the last minute then having to rush everything is never fun!

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