Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Did you really say that, or is it just me?
Little things have happened lately. The people around me talking about a subject that pertains to me, and leading me to believe they're talking about me on purpose. I know people would call that paranoia, but if it happens several times in a week, it's hard not to think it's really happening.
My car needed major repairs the past couple of days, and that has been stressful due to financial reasons. The car broke down on me when I was on the interstate on my way to Orlando for a meeting, and I had to have it towed all the way from Lakeland to Pinellas County, which is about an hour long drive.
The impending move I have to do, because the landlord agency is renovating this apartment building, is hanging over my head like a guillotine, and I dread it more and more, the closer I get to whenever that day will be. I have a lot of stuff, and a lot of cleaning and packing to do. I have no idea how to do it all.
Today, I took a cab to school because of my car being in the shop, and the cab driver happened to talk about how he supposedly worked for the National Security Agency. I was not imagining this, he really said he had worked for the NSA. Immediately, this brought back the thought of maybe-the-government-is-tracking-me and maybe he's playing mind control games with me and trying to speak to me in double-speak and make me respond in double speak or another language, to test how I'm doing as a government operative for the CIA, NSA, etc. Of course, I know how ridiculous that sounds. But it happens anyway sometimes.
The reason this happened in the cab is that it has always happened to me in cabs. When I lived in Alexandria, VA, and was floridly psychotic and not getting any treatment, I frequently rode in cabs as I had no car, and the cab drivers would, in my mind, be trying to get coded information from me using special mental techniques, as part of "handling" me. I then had the same exact experience after I moved back to Florida in 2005, and took cabs for a while to a day treatment program. All the cab drivers were working for the government and testing me to see if I spilled any secret information, or what secret mission I was on. This is how my brain worked. So, back in a cab again now, it happened again now. That's not very comforting. Each time I have such an experience, I am overcome by the fear that my life is going to take a rapid decline back into psychotic hell, and it terrifies me.
I decided I really need to see my old therapist again. She was my lifeline for three years, and I haven't really had anyone to talk to who understands me, since I had to stop seeing her due to insurance reasons. So I'm going to be paying out of pocket to see her every couple weeks, and though this is very expensive, I feel that it will help me to function better which will eventually lead to making more money and therefore justify the expense. My other therapist, the new one, just is not the right match for me, and I miss my old therapist so much, I finally realized I had to find a way to go back to her. She is the type that reads research and the latest psychology books, and listens intently, and gives good advice, and has many years of experience. I think it will be helpful to start seeing her again.
I'm hoping that these symptoms I've been having lately will go away, because I really want to get off the Seroquel, finally, in order to lose weight which I desperately need to lose to avoid getting diabetes and to stop being obese. But if the symptoms are coming back, it wouldn't make sense to go off the Seroquel at that time. I will have to see what happens in the coming weeks.