avoiding homelessness

The picture is Princess Spooky in my living room.

Things are really stressing me out right now. I know I mentioned this in a post a few days ago, which possibly no one read, but I have to mention it again, so bear with me. I have this problem not being able to sleep and so a medical assistant at the mental health center where I go told me to take Melatonin. I found some Luna Som (herb/natural sleep medication that has Melatonin as the primary ingredient) on clearance, and used that. Unfortunately, I had trouble waking up after taking that. I missed, apparently, three different appointments with the other mental health center which is my landlord. I was supposed to go to meet with someone in housing there to have my lease renewed. The problem is, she only has openings in the mornings, and not at all in the afternoon. I have been working the afternoon/evening shift at my job, and I am not adept at getting up early when I am totally exhausted. It's ridiculous to miss three appointments, but it was certainly not intentional. So the housing person tells me yesterday on the phone that she has sent me a letter ordering me to vacate my apartment by August 1st, unless I meet with her next week to have my lease renewed and I don't miss that appointment. She stated that she will be on vacation for the last week of July, and since my lease runs out in August, I must meet with her next week.

I practically begged this woman to let me come in there yesterday right then when she told me this. She said I could not come in at all that day, she had no time to meet with me.

It is not my fault this person is going on vacation. It is not my fault her schedule rarely has openings. I realize it is my fault that I missed those appointments, but I wanted to correct that problem yesterday, and she would not allow me to do so. So now, I have an appointment for next Friday (I am off work usually on Fridays), and that means that for the next week, every day, all day, I am going to be overwhelmed by anxiety about being evicted in case I don't make it to that appointment on time. I feel sick to my stomach and a nervous wreck all the time now because of this.

Bear in mind, this person works for a community mental health agency. She might understand that people with mental illnesses do not need extra stress because it will provoke the symptoms of their illness. She obviously does not care about that. If I get evicted, I have NOWHERE to go. I will be totally suicidal if that happens. I cannot let that happen. But what if I can't sleep till 3 am again that night and then I wake up late and can't get there in time? Then I'm going to be homeless. This does not seem fair. I know that I need to meet with this person, and I will do so. I also pay my rent every month to this agency, and I overpaid them for many months due to a mix-up which they do not care about at all. That mix up gave them money from me that I did not owe them, yet they are not the least bit concerned about that. I have lived here for four years. I have never violated my lease.

This discussion brings me to another point I have probably never mentioned here. I do not get discounted rent for living in this apartment. My apartment building is owned by this agency and is part of HUD housing. The rest of the people who live in this building are getting HUD housing rent, so they pay 30 percent of their incomes for rent. I pay more than that, because I am in an apartment that is in a "different program". This agency owns about 15 different apartment buildings throughout the county plus several group homes (one of which I lived in four years ago). And, although those apartments are supposed to based on a person's income, my apartment is not. I chose to rent it anyway, because when I moved in here, Jim, my ex-boyfriend, moved in with me, and we split the expenses. I agreed to pay the extra rent. I have done so ever since. For some reason, I was told I could move into a different apartment building (a couple years ago) and get HUD rent there, after I complained about this situation, but that I could not get the discounted/HUD rent in the building where I already live. Even though all my neighbors do. I don't want to move into one of those other buildings, and so I turned down that option a couple years ago, and it is now no longer an option.

I'm not trying to complain here, and I do like my apartment and am grateful to have it. But I live in a horrible neighborhood, because all of this agency's apartment buildings are in horrible neighborhoods. Crack addicts, drug dealers, and prostitutes line the street outside my door all night. There are homeless people everywhere in this neighborhood because there is a day labor place across the street and a shelter down the street. It's not safe for me to go out at night here. I do, but it is not safe. But it's my home. I have decorated it and become comfortable with it. I cannot go through the hell of being homeless again in this lifetime. I have been in that situation several times. Two different times, in two different states, I lived in homeless shelters, and they were horrendous. I cannot go back to having to sleep in my car like I did years ago. I need to stay in my apartment.

So, the anxiety about this lease renewal and possibly being evicted is really getting to me. It's not exactly good for my mental health. I am feeling rather paranoid these days and terrified of various things. I am hoping this anxiety will ease up, but I don't think it really will until after the lease renewal is done next Friday. So, please keep your fingers crossed that Friday goes well!