Sunday, April 18, 2010

hiding under the covers waiting for the world to end

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
-"Little Gidding", T.S. Eliot


Every so often, I'm doing well, keeping up with school and work, being actively involved with the two organizations I am part of, keeping my laundry done, my apartment clean, and my kitchen stocked with plenty of food. Every so often, I manage this all, for a while.

And then I have this impenetrable sense of being utterly overwhelmed by everything in my life. At those times, there are two options. One - give up and go to bed and lay there and wait to die. Or, force myself to keep going. I generally keep going, but right now it's not happening. There is this combination of fear, disappointment in myself and my lack of accomplishments, severe fatigue, loneliness, regret, anxiety (a lot of anxiety), freaking out about family members' problems, and a general, all-encompassing sense of doom.

This doom is hard to beat. And it makes me feel like I'm 17 and cutting my arms with razor blades again. It makes me feel like I've made no progress at all, like I don't have any coping skills, that nothing I've done is positive or was worthwhile, like I'm floundering alone in the universe and not a single person actually cares about me, like I can't be of use to anyone, and like I am basically a piece of crap.

Right now, I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth until this semester is over. I want to be finished with college, but I won't be finished at the end of this semester. I won't be finished for a long time - years. I will be partially finished, but that is all. And that is embarrassing, and more importantly, disheartening. I have this fear that I cannot do it all, that I never will be able to do it all, that I might as well just give up now. And then I tell myself, "no, you will not give up", and then this argument goes on, round and round within my head.

I can be doing well for six months or more, without ending up like this, but when I do end up like this, mostly what I feel like is that I want to die to have it all be over. I am not going to harm myself; it is just something worth mentioning because those are the kinds of thoughts that come up. Or, if I don't think of that, I think "I can't do whatever right now, I'll do it tomorrow", and then tomorrow comes. And that's the problem. Mostly the past couple of years have not been like this for me. Or if I do get into one of these phases, I manage to pull myself out pretty quickly, and within a day or two I'm back in the game. But then I get weeks like this week, and I just want to hide in my bed and do nothing, and forget all my obligations, because that is the immature way that my mind sometimes functions. It's embarrassing. But it's true.

7 comments:

susan said...

I understand. It's like I wrote every word too.

I added you to my blog roll. For some reason I thought you were there already.

Take care. Please.

The Blue Morpho said...

What a rough time! Just found your blog ... I have also decided suicide is not an option, and so I get the weird good/bad feelings that come with that. Also spent some time this week 'hiding.' Found my way out again. Hope you do too.
http://www.anxietyland.blogspot.com

Borderline Lil said...

Oh wow, this is like it came straight from my own head/mouth. Thank you for writing it, it makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one coping with feelings of "doom".

Jennifer, aka beautiful mind, complex life said...

Thanks, Susan. I like your blog as well.

Thanks, Blue ~ I am finding my way out too. Will check out your blog soon.

Thanks, Lil~ I love your blog also. There is some comfort in knowing we're not alone, even though I never wish these kinds of experiences on anyone. I appreciate people stopping by here leaving comments.

Will Norrid said...

don't despair...if we are all lonely at least we are not lonely alone.

be blessed

Jennifer said...

Thankyou so much for joining my blog.
I really look forward to reading yours.
Much love and care,
Jennifer xx

Wanderer62 said...

Hi Jen,

I'm sorry you're going through a down time right now. I've also been feeling anxious and a bit overwhelmed, though I don't have the responsibilities that you have. My problem right now is my house, once again. I have to clean it and I keep putting it off. I feel ashamed of myself, but that doesn't stop me from walking past the mess over and over again. In part it is just plain laziness, but the other part does have to do with schizophrenia. And that's the part that really kicks my ass. Without seeking outside help, there is nothing to do, but somehow force myself to do Spring cleaning. So I've decided that this week-end is the time to do it. And what do I feel? Anxiety. Of all the feelings I've gone through I think I dislike anxiety the most. But somehow, we've got to look on the bright side and know it doesn't last forever and just get on with living. Good advice that I've gotten is to do a little bit at a time consistently. It's the consistently part that I have trouble with and so I usually do a lot all at once. Not the best way, but it's still something. So I'm telling myself to hang in there, so you do too, okay?

Kate

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