We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
-"Little Gidding", T.S. Eliot
Every so often, I'm doing well, keeping up with school and work, being actively involved with the two organizations I am part of, keeping my laundry done, my apartment clean, and my kitchen stocked with plenty of food. Every so often, I manage this all, for a while.
And then I have this impenetrable sense of being utterly overwhelmed by everything in my life. At those times, there are two options. One - give up and go to bed and lay there and wait to die. Or, force myself to keep going. I generally keep going, but right now it's not happening. There is this combination of fear, disappointment in myself and my lack of accomplishments, severe fatigue, loneliness, regret, anxiety (a lot of anxiety), freaking out about family members' problems, and a general, all-encompassing sense of doom.
This doom is hard to beat. And it makes me feel like I'm 17 and cutting my arms with razor blades again. It makes me feel like I've made no progress at all, like I don't have any coping skills, that nothing I've done is positive or was worthwhile, like I'm floundering alone in the universe and not a single person actually cares about me, like I can't be of use to anyone, and like I am basically a piece of crap.
Right now, I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth until this semester is over. I want to be finished with college, but I won't be finished at the end of this semester. I won't be finished for a long time - years. I will be partially finished, but that is all. And that is embarrassing, and more importantly, disheartening. I have this fear that I cannot do it all, that I never will be able to do it all, that I might as well just give up now. And then I tell myself, "no, you will not give up", and then this argument goes on, round and round within my head.
I can be doing well for six months or more, without ending up like this, but when I do end up like this, mostly what I feel like is that I want to die to have it all be over. I am not going to harm myself; it is just something worth mentioning because those are the kinds of thoughts that come up. Or, if I don't think of that, I think "I can't do whatever right now, I'll do it tomorrow", and then tomorrow comes. And that's the problem. Mostly the past couple of years have not been like this for me. Or if I do get into one of these phases, I manage to pull myself out pretty quickly, and within a day or two I'm back in the game. But then I get weeks like this week, and I just want to hide in my bed and do nothing, and forget all my obligations, because that is the immature way that my mind sometimes functions. It's embarrassing. But it's true.