Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Back to the grindstone

Over the years, at different times when I was doing better than usual, I'd apply to colleges. I got into them all. I applied to a couple that are hard to get into, supposedly, and I got in. I just never got there. Life has it's twists and turns and hurdles and nightmares, which came with alarming frequency at times, and that stopped the bus from getting to the destination.

So, the schools I have gone to are two community colleges. One is now a "real" college, where they have Bachelors' Degrees and not just AA degrees. But I never got past the AA degree part. I actually still have not gotten my AA degree, although I have over 60 credits - the number you need to graduate (I don't have them in the right subjexts). I put off math, and dropped math classes and avoided math and withdrew from math over and over so many times that I don't know off the top of my head how many times I've done it. I actually had to look at the transcripts to find out. I don't remember, because I started doing this in 1993. Yup. 1993. It is now 2010. I still do not have a "two-year" degree. After 17 fucking years.

Hence, I have decided that this is the last semester I'm attempting to finish my math and science requirements in my life. If I fail or withdraw this time, I'm not trying it all over again, again. I'm taking Marine Biology and Math for LIberal Arts II right now. This is it. This is the last time I do this. If I'm not successful now, I give up. So I'm trying, really hard, to be successful at it. We shall see if my rusty brain with all its problems cooperates. It has, historically, not cooperated. Hence, I have no degree. If it does not cooperate this time, well, the brain wins and I lose. That is the brain's illness, wins, not the brain. The goddamn illness. Sorry for my language. I don't mean to offend you, but these are the words that seem appropriate to me for use on this subjectc. I have a lot of angst about school A lot. It is really an "issue" that I don't like to deal with anymore. I've been doing it off and on for so many years, I am literally an expert at how to be a community college student, which is part of the reason why I am pretty good at my job at the college. I tell people all this crap I've learned from experience, and they pay me. Works out pretty well for now.

Anyway, wish me luck, if you will. I am hoping that I really make it this time. I only need these two classes, plus one online ethics course to graduate, and officially have a degree. I know it's a status symbol, it's elitist to think that a degree is so important, and I know it shouldn't matter to me as much as it does. But it matters because, this is something I've wanted to do all my life, and I've tried to do for almost half my life. And if I can't do something that is that important to me, then what kind of pathetic human being am I going to be for the rest of my life? I know that is not a wise way to talk to one's self becaus, chances are this is not going to work out as a victory. But I'm trying, and I have to make myself b believe now that I can be successful.

Please, muddled thoughts, do not disturb the peace right now. Please. Voices, be gone. I need a freakin' break from you. Leave me the hell alone.

3 comments:

k1 said...

I hope you are able to complete your degree. And I hope the voices leave you alone so you can accomplish your goal.

Lady_Amanda said...

I believe you can do it. I think it's kind of a good thing that you told yourself this is going to be the last time. It makes it all that much more important. I hope you don't stress yourself out to much, though. I will pray for strength and guidance for you.
Hugs,
Amanda

The Medcalfs said...

You can do this! I know you can!

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