You'll walk home, and other misinterpreted data

My therapist thinks there is a seasonal fluctuation of my symptoms, in that they are worse in the fall and winter than in the spring/summer. I am not sure she is correct about that, because I've had some pretty severe symptoms before in the spring and summer....but this past summer, it was probably not so problematic. I suppose she may be right. If she is right, then spending some time outside every day would be a good idea, if I could find the time to do that. It would mean waking up earlier, which would mean either getting less sleep or going to bed at 8 PM, like a five-year-old, but if I had to, I could do it. I'm not sure it would help, though, so I'm not sure it should be a huge priority. I'll do a test-run, and see how it goes, I guess.

The holidays are always stressful on most people, I believe. We have unrealistic expectations of how things are supposed to be just like they are on a Hallmark made-for-tv movie, but they never are quite like that because our family members don't read from the right script, and things go awry. My family is supremely dysfunctional, always has been, and always will be, but that doesn't differentiate us much from the rest of the United States, which I feel is a pretty dysfunctional nation in a pretty dysfunctional world. That said, I do get stressed at this time of year. Last year, I went to Disney World with my mother and had a horrible time that night hearing voices and having delusional thoughts - it was for the "Very Merry Christmas" event they have, which is really rather nauseating even if your mind is working correctly. Disney bothers me. But what I mean about that trip was that it was at this time of year, and my symptoms were very active then.

So, perhaps it should not come as a surprise that my symptoms are popping up right now. I fail to really see a clear period of time in recent history where I was not having any symptoms. Maybe I should read this blog more often. I know there must have been some months in the past year where I didn't have any kind of auditory hallucinations, but right now, I really don't remember that time. It's hard for me to explain the things that I hear, and the thoughts that I think, so hard that, even here, in the one place where I can openly talk about these things without fear, I am not always very prolific in my descriptions at all. So here is a lay-out of some of the perceptual problems I have:

-I'm at work, and my job involves answering a switchboard. People say things like "Gotcha", and I think they mean they've caught me in an Illuminati-CIA-New World Order-spy conspiracy, they've caught me giving away secret information by mistake, they've caught me committing a crime (they are the thought police), and I'm screwed now.

-I'm at work, and answering the phone, and people say "Bye" when they hang up. I hear them say "Die". All day long. I answer about 100 phone calls a day at my job, and it's only a part time job. It's a lot of times to hear people telling you to die.

-I'm at work, answering that same phone, and people say, "Bye", and I interpret this to mean "Buy", which means I just sold myself (my soul, basically) to them because in the New World Order/ Illuminati/ Conspiracy Realm in my brain people buy and sell other people verbally all the time. The goal is to not buy too much, but to sell well.

-I say "So" to someone, on the phone or in person, and I hear myself say "Sell". I hear other people say "So" and I hear them saying "Sell" at the same time. People say "so" a lot, when you start to pay attention to it keenely every time you hear it.

-People say "Thanks", and I hear them say "thinks", this means I've done something good and proven that I can "think" like the Illuminati world wants me to.

-People say "You're welcome", and I hear this as "You'll walk home," and this means that when the day comes that we all walk across the state to the concentration camps in north Florida I will be amongst those who are treated like Jews, and sent to work and die in the camps. This is a disturbing thought to have, but particularly when you've had it hundreds of times for several years in a row.

There's more. There's the way that, when I'm in any kind of group setting, I feel people are interpreting my thoughts and programming my brain, right in front of me by pretending to be talking about something else using "doublespeak". I hear this a lot in my therapy group, and the "group" only has one other person in it besides the therapist. Therapy groups are always hard on me because of this problem. It happens more often than not, much of the time. Probably most of the time.

There's more, but I don't feel like talking about this all anymore today. Maybe some other time. I'm also not sure that my descriptions will make sense to you at all, so let me know if they don't, please. Thanks for your comments. One reason I don't do detailed descriptions of "symptoms" like this often is that I feel like I am giving away confidential, secret information that is meant to never be spoken about, since a large part of me doesn't think they are "symptoms" in the first place, but simply believes they are real.