Monday, November 02, 2009

perhaps I'll finish school? maybe....

I'm very nervous about going back to school. While I really want to finish my degree, which I first started working on 15 years ago, I haven't been able to complete any classes in the past year and a half. I want to be able to go back, and I think I might be able to do it, but I'm not sure. I really need to get past this hurdle in my life. It is important to me to get a degree so I can feel the fulfillment of an accomplishment finally achieved, and it's also important because I want to go on to get a Bachelor's Degree and be able to do a job that I actually can afford to live on, unlike my $9 an hour job which has no future to it. I want to think that someday I'll be able to go off the disability benefits, work full time, and support myself through work alone. I don't know how feasible that wish actually is, however.

I want to be able to say, "I have a degree", to myself. It's not about a status symbol, or what other people think of me. It's about what I think of me. I think I'm a failure, and I feel that way all the time, because I have not accomplished most of the things I've wanted to do in my life. I'm tired of feeling that way. I want to feel that I have fulfilled some goal other than just survival. I want to graduate from college. I want a future where I'm not in total poverty all the time. I need a degree to make that future possible.

So, I am trying to go back. It's really up to the school as to whether or not they'll allow me back in. They don't have to allow me, since I've already surpassed the number of attempts at classes you're allowed to make in your life, and the government also does not have to grant me any more financial aid money. Without financial aid and approval from the school, then I can't go back at all. I guess we'll see what happens.

In the meantime, I've been keeping myself busy with activism activities for NAMI and NOW, my part-time job, and trying to lose weight. I also battle depression these days, but that's old hat to me, and no big deal really.

1 comment:

thedevilandtheschizophrenic said...

Good luck with school stuff! It's too bad there's not some kind of supported education program near you, because from what I understand they're pretty good at pulling strings... It's definitely something of a tragedy that more is not done to make it feasible and possible for students with psychiatric disabilities to successfully pursue college degrees...

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