Friday, September 04, 2009

the difference between satisfied and truly happy is large and looming

Things have been going okay lately. I am on the board of directors for the state of Florida branch of a national women's rights organization, as of last weekend. That is very cool to me. I am happy to join in and do volunteer work for feminism, as it is something I strongly believe in. At the same time, I am still my self. Which means, my brain doesn't always function up to par, and, perhaps more importantly, I don't feel that I amup to par. I particularly don't feel up to par when I'm around people who are smarter than I am, more educated than I'll probably ever be, more creative than I am, and more fully alive than I feel I am.

I would like to be more fully alive. I am not sure how to make this happen.

Tonight, after work, I went to a movie (four bucs on weekdays) with a close friend. That was fun, but what's lacking is more time with more close friends, I guess. I really only spend time with this one friend, and that's not always frequent. I guess, if I have to admit it, I miss some things about being in a relationship. I don't miss being "The Girlfriend" to "The Boyfriend" - a lot of things about my last relationship were screwed up, and dysfunctional. I do not wish to go back to that era where I cooked, cleaned, did all the dishes, and got insulted because I became overweight. I do not wish to feel subservient to a man again. I do not wish to fore go things that matter to me, like writing, and activism, because all my time is wrapped up around a man. I will not go back to being that way. After all, you're here, reading this, and that means the world to me, so how could I ever go back to never writing in my own blog??

But I do miss things. Little things. Someone to laugh with you at a funny TV show, or the cat acting crazy, or the bizarre behavior of some of my family members and/or myself. Someone to go to breakfast or dinner with, to go to the movies with, to be with so you're not always alone. I miss that. I have a feeling I won't have it again for a very long time. I have a mental barrier up at this point, because of my weight, and I wouldn't even be interested in dating someone right now. I want to be confident in my self and my appearance, and I'm not at that place at this time. Frankly, I don't know who would want to date me. I am 40 lbs. overweight, even though I have lost 33 pounds. That first look at a person means a lot in regards to whether or not there is attraction or the potential for any kind of relationships.

The other thing is that I haven't had a lot of lasting relationships with the opposite sex. I have had one very long dysfunctional connection to someone who did not care about me in the least. I've had short-term boyfriends who never really got to know me (luckily in some cases), and who I didn't really know very well either. And then I had Jim, my long-term, live-in guy. Jim and I are about as similar as oil and water. We had absolutely nothing in common, other than being at very vulnerable, scary points in our lives when we met, and perhaps being a bit needy and all-too-willing to jump into something that seemed like a sailboat for drowning loners. So we did that, and that went on for a couple of years. And then it ended. It ended long before he moved out. Then he moved out, and reality set in. Then I spent a year being seriously depressed and also having a lot of psychotic symptoms. Which didn't help matters.

And now. Now, I feel okay. I guess it is because I feel okay that I can look around and see what is lacking in the atmosphere of my life. There is furniture with no one on it. There is an apartment with no voice except my own. There is the computer, with people who are not-quite-real. And there must be more out there, to find. I need a map. Or something.

The other thing eating away at me is that I'm not in school right now. I'm not in school because I owe money on student loans which I cannot pay, and I am probably not going to ever be able to get another student loan, which means, I have no chance of ever finishing college. That is not a pleasant thought, so I try to keep it out of my mind.

And, of course, if I did have the money to finish college, there is the issue of not being able to read more than a paragraph, which continues to plague me. I cannot concentrate. I try. It doesn't work. None of my medications help me with this at all.

So that is bothersome. Obtaining a degree has always been my goal, one of my most important goals. Another goal has always been to write a book. I suppose I could start working on that, though I get a little overwhelmed by the prospect of starting, and do not have much faith that my book would be published even if I did write it. Though I know it's in me to write it. I have known that for a while. I have the story to tell, and I feel I could tell it, if I just knew where to start, and if I just had more faith in my own ability to write. I endlessly compare myself to people who are more accomplished than I am. Always coming up short does a number on your self-esteem. I need to work on this. I need to stop comparing. We all have our own cross to bear. We all have obstacles to overcome. We don't all start at the same spot in life.

If I can work through some of these problems, I think I will feel more fully alive. And for now, I do feel okay.

1 comment:

Lady_Amanda said...

You know ever since I was diagnosed with my mental illness almost ten years ago now, I really haven't had a serious relationship. I have went on dates, but nothing came of it. I find my solaice in my Savior. Now I am not going to push Christiany on you. However, any higher power, no matter if it's God, Budhsa, or the earth, can be very helpful. Pray in any form, litanies, mediations, and Spritiual exercises to get in tune with that higher power you believe in can help a lot. When you communicate with something larger than yourself, you don't seems a lonely. I am saying this because you don't want to rush into another relationship with a human just because your lonely. A higher power could be the other voice in your apartment!

Hugs,
L.A.

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