Wednesday, July 29, 2009

buzzzz, buzzzz, buzzzz....we're after you

They come like bees. You know how one bee will fly up right next to you, while you're outside or driving with your windows down, and you try to swat it away or run from it before it bites you, only to see that it can follow you as quickly as you can move? Then you get lucky, and it flies off on its own to some other target, without biting you, or, you don't get lucky and you do get stung. That's how my psychotic thoughts are these days. They're rare, and they don't come in giant packs. There's no beehive around the vicinity. They just come, one-at-a-time, to bother me, taunt me, try to sting me. And then they're gone.

I know I said here that I wasn't having any psychotic thoughts. And, at the time I said it, that was true. But they come back, little by little, just to prove I can't get rid of them entirely. They come to say, "We still know how to find you." And I see them and say, yes, you do. I know. I know that they're not real. I know that the sounds I hear are different from the sounds that actually are being created. I know that the double speak is in my mind, and the secret messages are only heard, only interpreted, only noticed, by me. But they're still there. And, as Anne Sexton wrote in a letter, "Aye, that's the rub."

I wish I could say Risperdal cured me. I wish it did. I wish I could believe there was a cure out there. But there is no cure. There is treatment, and it can work well, but, there is no cure. Sometimes I hear people make comments about the fact that I do not work full-time. One such person works in my physical therapy place. She'll just make a remark off hand, about how lucky I am I don't have to work full-time. She insinuates that I'm lazy. She does it because, I guess, she can. I never told her to shut the hell up, but I've thought about it. She needs to shut the hell up. What I really want to say to her is, "You try living in my shoes for a day, and then see if you can work part time, witch." Because she couldn't. This whiny woman couldn't handle a full time job if she was hearing voices all the time. Most people couldn't. Many can't work part time because they're hearing voices. I am lucky, lucky I can work part time, which happens to be mandatory for me to actually survive. I am the farthest thing from lazy that you could imagine.
Or, maybe not the farthest, but close to it.

Lazy? I berate myself every day for all the goals I cannot accomplish at this time, even though my concrete reasons for not being able to accomplish them are quite obvious to anyone with half a brain. I do not enjoy living in poverty and not having a full-time job. I hate it. I don't relish the fact I never finished college. I'm still trying to finish. I don't know if I'll ever be able to, but I do know that if I was able to do so easily, I would have done it by now. It's hard to read, or concentrate on a lecture, or write essays, or solve algebraic equations when you're living inside a delusional world and hearing constant auditory hallucinations. Anybody who doesn't understand this should try playing a radio at the highest volume possible, while sitting in front of a TV with its highest volume possible, while listening to a group of people all talking about different things at the same time, while reading a book.

Not so simple, you know? I am glad that the volume has turned low for me now. I am glad it's not like living inside a bee hive; it's more like having individual bees harass me here and there. I'm grateful that my medication works as well as it does, and that I have a way to get it paid for so I can actually get it. I am glad I'm not totally delusional right now, and I wasn't yesterday either, and I probably won't be tomorrow (though I never know for sure about that). But I wish that there were no goddamn bees. I wish for peace and quiet and solace, and a life without the cues, the voices, the double speak, the confusing thoughts. I wish for once that I could have my self back, the young woman I was before all this started, the person whose brain worked - even though it might get clouded inside depression or an eating disorder - it worked well enough that I could cover up those things much of the time.

Now, I get questions, like, today my boss asking me, "Why aren't you taking any classes in the fall? Are you too tired or something?" and I have no answer I can give without setting myself up for discrimination (as I learned at my last job). So I just end up letting people think what they want. They assume I'm lazy. It's their problem they're so ignorant. I can't worry about it too much.


  1. It is really a coincidence that your bees are bugging you because we were dealing with this the other night and he was really sharing with me what it was like. I asked him if he ever had any peace and he said he does sometimes but not very much. Well, we are trying a vitamin therapy to just see if it will help. Since he had the movement disorder so bad with the meds, he just doesn't want to go there right now and I can't blame him. Anyway, back to the new thing. He started yesterday so I will let you know how it goes. I am so glad he can tell me what is going on. I know he doesn't' always share it but I admire him so much that he keeps trying to keep his "bees" away.
    I think it helps to talk about it and I am so glad you have the blog to do that. I am also really really glad your med does help and keeps them quiet for the most part. Seems like I comment too much but I can't help it. Your blogs help. They are real. I am sure you are helping people that you don't even realize it!
    Hope you get some "peace" and have a good night's sleep.
    SCREW those people who make you feel inferior. You can't change them or their thinking. I just say SCREW them!! Say it outloud. It will make you feel better! :-)

  2. You say it all in that one line: It's their problem they're so ignorant. This is so true, and something I definitely tell myself when people question me working part-time. I tried to explain to my brother yesterday that for me, it's a fulltime job to work part-time! Keep an eye on those bees, Jen, and keep swatting them away.

  3. Discovered your Blog recently and wanted to say 'hi', and I think you are amazing. And ignore all those ignorant people who don't know how life is for you. You have my every respect.

  4. Dealing with psychosis is very difficult. I know that even though I don't hear voices most of the time, I'm always afraid of when things do fall apart and they come back.


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