Thursday, June 04, 2009

when you're happy and you know it,...clap your hands

My boss just took me aside to tell me that I was not "friendly" enough to the last person I spoke to. I speak to over 100 people a day at my job. I am friendly damn near all the time to everyone. I am so cheery-sounding, I often astonish myself because I can project a smile through my voice even when I feel like crap. But she happened to be listening when I failed to go out of my way to sound "friendly". Did I ever mention here that I hate my boss? She's a totally anal retentive person who really needs to go out and get drunk or something, but she never does, so she is angst-ridden and nasty and nit-picky much of the time. I call her Dragon Lady when I talk about her to my mother.

Anyway, so that was not the point of this post. I wanted to mention how my depression is. For some time now, I have used this blog to help me notice little nuances with my medications and to put things into my memory about the drug regimen that I am on. So I wanted to mention that I did an experiment on my own, and I stopped taking Inderal. I do not have to take it, since the only reason I take it is to cope with side effects of Risperdal and Seroquel. So my doctor tells me to take it as needed, but I've been in the habit of taking it every day for a long time, mostly out just because it's been part of my medication routine. So I remembered that my doctor had mentioned Inderal (propranolol) can cause depression, and I thought I'd try to see what I felt like without it. I think I feel better.

I have been having moments recently where I feel happy for no apparent reason at all. This is an awesome change for me. I often am so tired and rather depressed, that the happiness only comes in when it's caused by something that occurs or something I do. But lately I've just had it come out of the clear, blue sky. I marvel at these times, because I am not used to them. I feel very grateful that I am not having auditory hallucinations all day long right now. I am aware that they could come back any time, but I am appreciating the time I have without them a great deal. I think this leaves me with extra energy and with the capacity to be happy, because I'm not all caught up with delusions or worrying about what people are saying all around me everywhere I go, all day long. The freedom to not have to interpret everything you hear all day is amazing. I love it.


  1. Thank you for inviting me to your bloc. I think you are a very brave and amazing woman.

    Rebecca Smith

  2. Your boss sounds like a dragon.

    I am happy for you that you get happy for no reason. You were mentioning about it coming back. You can't live your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have a mental illness too (check out my blog) and it just ruins the good times when you think of the bad.

    Stay well and good work with becoming less dependent on your PRN.



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