horrifying words written by, well...me

"and reading my own life with horror, I tremble and curse."

-Pushkin

That's written in one of Anne Sexton's books of poetry. I can't remember which one at the moment. I think it was the book with "Flee on Your Donkey" in it, Live or Die.

Anyway, so I just installed these nifty little search engines to the left of this page. I put in the name of a person who I had written about, in my memory, only one time on this blog. But that was my mistaken memory. Apparently I also wrote here at length about this person back when I was psychotic and not yet diagnosed. That was when I started this blog. Five years ago. So I wrote about how I was "in love with him", which is now a completely horrifying thought. This guy never loved me - this much I know for sure. He also never wrote about me anywhere; a fact I'm also quite sure of. And he never even wanted to meet me in person. I only knew him online and through the phone.

So to think that, in my worst moments of existence, when I was totally suicidal and paranoid and psychotic, I would say "I love this person", and that years later, when I was healthy, not paranoid, not psychotic, I would still say something of that nature about this person, is really odd.

I was basically delusional about this guy for most of the past twelve years. I would like to say that I never think of him at all now, but that would be a total lie. I am quite sure, however, that he has not thought of me in some time. I have not even heard from him in a year. So, obviously we are not exactly good friends. I always thought of him as the only person I could trust. There are still things that I won't talk about with anybody, that I won't write about on this blog, and that I don't even discuss with my therapist - but which I did speak about with him....at length. Because I trusted this person so much, it was ridiculous.

The funny thing is, I would still probably trust him now, but not because I'm delusional. I just felt understood at some very vulnerable points by no one but this guy. So in my mind, that's kind of etched in stone, that I can trust him. And that I can't trust anybody else much. I have friends now, people I know online and in person, who I can talk to about all sorts of stuff. None of them know certain things that this guy knows. I won't probably ever tell them either. Because people are judgemental and there are things about my life which would lead to a lot of judgements. And I don't really need that so I don't discuss those things with anyone.

The strange thing is that I actually did discuss them - but only with someone who never really gave a damn about me in the first place. That's sad. I think that's also pathetic. I don't know what else to say right now.

Sometimes I horrify myself.

I will probably end up deleting this and numerous other posts where I mentioned this topic, if I find myself bored and interested in spending my time doing something so pointless.