Saturday, May 23, 2009

some improvements~ one step at a time

I recently took a trip to New York to see my younger sister graduate from college. She worked very hard, and overcame numerous financial and physical obstacles to get her degree, worked for nine years, worked when she was horribly depressed and often hopeless, and didn't give up. So she got her degree. I am very proud of her. I was also amazed that both of my parents were at the two graduation ceremonies (literally sitting on either side of me), and they managed to behave in a civil manner, which is something they have not done (except for my brother's wedding five years ago) at all in 20 years.

But all was not positive on this trip. My mom has Bipolar Disorder. I don't talk about it here because this blog isn't about my family, and some of my family stop by here too. But my mom can be really manic with severe irritability, and some rather abusive behavior such as screaming all kinds of garbage at me and my sister whilst we are in her rental car lost in New York. So it was a rather stressful trip. My mom was in a bad mood most of the time, and we were sharing a hotel room and spending all of our time together for five days. By the end of it, I couldn't wait to get home and I was really stressed to the max. The upside of this is, although under serious stress I did not have any psychotic symptoms.

Repeat. I did not have any psychotic symptoms. For five days, I was stressed and anxious, and waiting to hear the voices and the double speak when they would start up again, but they never started. They never happened. I managed to get through this entire trip without psychosis. I was literally amazed that my brain could accomplish this feat.

While I'm still waiting for the psychosis to return (since, historically, it always has), I am enjoying this period of being psychosis-free most of the time. I have to give credit where credit is due, and state that my Risperdal injections are working, whereas, oral meds, for me, do not work much. This leads my therapist, my psychiatrist, and myself to think something is wrong with my body that disturbs it's ability to process the medications when taken orally. So, even though a blood test showed I did not have Celiac Disease, I am getting an endoscopy in a couple weeks where the gastroenterologist takes a small specimen to biopsy and check for Celiac. If I did have Celiac, I'd want to know, since it is something that can be corrected. If I don't have it, I want to know, so I don't have to wonder about it for the rest of my life.

In the past few weeks, I've returned to my physical therapy after not having it for a year and a half; I've gone to see an endocrinologist who prescribed Cytomel for me in addition to my Synthroid for hypothyroidism, and began to feel a bit more energetic as a result; I've kept up with my regular community mental health center appointments, I've gone to the Florida NOW conference with a person I just met and had a great time; I've gotten the gastroenterology appointment done, and I've been generally pretty busy. I have also managed to read a book, called This Common Secret, about abortion and women's rights to reproductive choice, and primarily about one doctor's life. I loved the book, but more importantly, it was A BOOK, and, I READ IT ALL. This is hard for me to explain, but my inability to concentrate enough to read books has caused endless difficulty in college and in life and a lot of low self-esteem issues because it makes me feel stupid. If I can read, I know, always, that things are going better than usual. And I can read right now. So that is a good sign.

I wanted to report some positive news here, since I so often use this blog as a venting place, and a place where I reach out to see if there's anyone out there in the great abyss of this world who might possibly relate to me or understand what I'm going through. I have found so much comfort, camaraderie, and understanding from people who read this blog, that I cannot overstate how much your time reading here and your comments mean to me. Thank you for that.

Right now I've got my fingers crossed, my toes crossed, my eyes crossed, and I'm hoping against hope, begging for a miracle, zooming all the positive energy I can muster out into the universe from my soul, and praying to the God I don't believe in - to let me have this reprieve. I need reprieve. I've really needed it for quite some time now. I think it may finally be here and I'm just asking life to grant me this break from the psychosis. So thank you, universe, in advance, for that.


  1. That's great that you did not experience psychosis after a lot of stress, and that your parents got along well at the graduation ceremonies. I am glad that you are staying busy, and things continue to go well for you.

    By the way, will you give me some advice on how to start a support group, this is something that interests me and I would like some tips on the matter.

    Have a great Memorial Day weekend!


  2. {{{{{Jen!!!}}} I'm giving you a big cyberspace hug! Such fantastically good news and if anyone deserves to be free psychotic symptoms, it is you! You have accomplished so much with the symptoms, just imagine what you can do without them. I am so happy for you. And I am proud of your sister as well.

    Kate : )

  3. Hi Jen, United States researchers demonstrated a link between gluten and schizophrenia in the 70s - but the evidence was ignored. We have the research papers listed in our book Recognizing Celiac Disease. I'm looking at your list of symptoms - yours and your mother's - bipolar, schizophrenia, hypothyroidism, depression. Many match celiac disease and gluten sensitivity. See if other symptoms on our Symptom Guide match yours. Whatever your celiac test results return, try removing gluten from your diet. One of the studies we have showed that symptoms resolved two weeks off gluten but returned within 3 days of eating gluten. Hope this helps. -John

  4. I'm sorry but I may not have been clear in my previous comment. The symptoms I mentioned that disappeared were the psychotic symptoms of schizophrenia. Yes, they got better... Good luck.



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