Monday, May 25, 2009

it was a long trip with little days in it and no new places -Anne Sexton from "Flee on Your Donkey"

As the psychosis has (*mostly) gone away for now - something for which I am extremely grateful - my depression has, once again, expanded throughout my brain. It seems this is a pattern with me. I get depressed sometimes when I am also psychotic, but I get depressed a lot when I am not psychotic too. I know that some of it is because, once my brain is free of the auditory hallucinations it so often has to contend with, I am able to think more clearly, pay attention to things going on in my life, and reflect upon where I am at this stage in my life.

It seems that I'm never at the place I want to be in my life, especially when I am depressed. I just realized, once again, that I feel like a total and complete failure. I have managed to accomplish none of my goals which I have had all my life (college degree, serious boyfriend or husband, career, close friends all around me), and I don't really know how to do so. This is depressing, obviously. I have one close friend who I see. I have other friends online who I never see, but that is a different kind of friend. I always have wanted to have the kind of friends who you know well enough that you can go to their home and they can come to yours. Like I said, I have one close friend who fits into that category. And that is that.

I think a large part of my problem with not being able to accomplish my goals is that I am tired. I am constantly tired. I am tired when I am busy, and I am tired when I am doing nothing. I wake up tired every morning, and I drag myself out of bed. I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia in 1997. Since then, the diagnosis was changed to Sjogren's Syndrome, but the symptoms, mostly, remain the same. Tired. Fatigued. Lacking energy (which one should differentiate from spunk, as they are not the same thing at all). So that is an issue. I have been getting my thyroid troubles addressed by an endocrinologist, and that is an area that I feel is going in a positive direction. But I'm still tired all the time.

My other main issue is my weight. I don't consider myself attractive anymore at all. Hell, I barely consider myself deserving of the air I breathe at this weight. I know that men no longer find me attractive. To explain why this is different then the past, I should mention that I used to be pretty. I was thin all my life, very thin, and I was not bad looking. I used to attract guys. I don't now, at all. My disastrous relationship with my ex-boyfriend did such a number on my self-esteem that after we broke up, I never even considered trying to date someone again. And now it's been 1 1/2 years since we broke up.

I get lonely a lot. This is one of my main issues in life as well. I miss people I used to be close to. I had some friends online who I never heard from again after I went psychotic. That was very hurtful, and I have had a hard time getting over that hurt. I had another person who I thought of romantically, who I've mentioned here before. I thought I was in love with him for 12 years. Sometimes, even now after I have not heard from him in almost a year, I still think about him as the guy I would like to end up with. This is a totally delusional thought, which probably has more to do with the misfiring synapses in my cerebellum than it has to do with real romance. This guy and I never had a romance, but in my mind we did, and it went on and on and on, and then he totally stopped talking to me. I was devastated by that, incidentally. I miss having that person in my life. I miss hearing from him, and talking to him about things. It makes me sad that I know I will probably never hear from him again - and I mean really sad, not sad because of a delusion.

So, these are some problem areas I've outlined which are bothering me right now. I feel that I am caught in a boring cycle of waking up, going to work, going to a doctor/therapy appointment, going home, going to bed - with eating interspersed here and there and Diet Coke consumption throughout. This is a boring life which is just leading to more of the same circle, the same humdrum boredom, the same nothingness. And this bothers me a lot. I do have times where I'm involved with activism and I enjoy those times a great deal, but they don't fill up my days. My boring job fills my days, and I don't get much satisfaction out of that.

I think, having mulled this over a bit, I need to start changing some things. I need to work very seriously on weight loss, for one thing. I need to branch out into the world and try to make new friends, if possible (this is extremely difficult for me and always has been), and I need to explore going back to college now that I'm not hallucinating all day long anymore. I want, more than anything, to finally get my college degree which I've worked towards, off and on, for so many years. It means to much to me to give up that dream.

Sorry this was a rather depressing post. Thanks for listening.

1 comment:

  1. I understand some of what you're going through. After I began taking the anti-psychotic medications and my main delusion and paranoia began to fade, I became very depressed also, suicidal for a while. What you're going through is completely natural. After living with an illusion for so many years and looking back and thinking of all the wasted time, you are bound to experience depression. All I can tell you is it will ease up with time, but you have to be willing to give it the time and treat yourself gently and lovingly as you gradually adjust to the new you.

    About your boring job, know that this is not what you are going to be doing for the rest of your life, it's only for now, to pay the bills. I think if you continue your work with NOW and NAMI that eventually you can get an advocate related job, you just need more experience, which you are getting.

    Going back to school is a great goal, but take it slow at first and see how much you can handle. Jen you WILL get your degree. Just hang in there.

    Lack of friends: at least you have one good offline friend. I don't have any, just my brother, but we are not as close as I would like, but then I don't put in enough effort either. I think as you find your purpose through advocacy and school, that you will find the friends you need. I really do.

    The weight: Trust me, I know how badly it sucks and it's even worse for you because you're still a young woman. I hide behind being middle aged, but I used to be attractive too and sometimes it hurts to know that I have passed my prime for good. But still I am losing the weight and I will lose all of it by this time next year and I know that will make me feel so much better. You can lose the weight, but it will take a year and a half to two years of gradually losing it. There's no quick cure as you know, only more illness in the form of eating disorders. So start now by keeping a food journal. I aim for about 1500 calories a day and I've been losing on average about a pound or so a week, even without exercise (though I should be exercising I know). You can do this.

    Well, I hope you know that I am one online friend who really likes and respects you.



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