Sunday, April 05, 2009

The precious present

I feel like writing a post for today. Today - not yesterday, not tomorrow, but right now. Because right now, in this particular moment in time in April of 2009, I feel alright. And I think I'm going to be okay.

Today even though my Social Security benefits might be curtailed, I know that I always find a way to pay the rent. Today that issue is not making me so anxious that I have thoughts of cutting and killing myself. Instead, I feel like I want to live. I want to do things that I haven't done before, and to more thoroughly enjoy the experiences that I have in my every day life.

Today, I had an ice cream sundae, and even though I am overweight, I did not berate myself for it for too long because I hadn't eaten dinner, so it all evens out. I ate it at the Whistle Stop Cafe in Safety Harbor, near where my mom lives, and where they sell real fried, green tomatoes.

Today, I went to a bookstore for the first time in I-don't-know-how-many months, and I read part of a book, kept reading until my eyes were too dry and my vision was blurry, and left feeling satisfied that I am able to focus enough to read a little bit of something again.

Today, I spoke to an old friend on the phone, and we made plans to get together so we can catch up on the past couple of years of our lives. I felt happy and grateful to have another friend in my life. I called her and one more old friend today. I also called my grandfather who is ill with cancer and I tried to say some things to cheer him up a bit as he is going through a very difficult time and facing the brevity of life - a subject I often think about despite being much younger.

I saw my mom tonight, and I am glad that my mom and I get along as well as we do now. We did not always have a healthy relationship. We had a rocky one for most of my life, and both of our mental health states were a part of the problem. My mom has often lashed out at me in anger, and it is a relief now that she has not done that in some time.

I feel calm and at peace with myself and the world. Most importantly, I feel hopeful for myself and my future. I am overweight, but I know I can lose weight. I have Schizophrenia, but it is not nearly as bad as it could be right now. I do not have much money, but I have plenty of tools for survival and much more material wealth than many of the poor people on this planet. I am lucky to live where I live - in an affordable apartment. I spent last night hanging out with a good friend - Kathy -and I am glad I have her in my life because we have some things in common and get along well. Today I washed my car - for the first time in probably a year and a half. It was quite dirty and still needs work, but the point is, I got myself motivated, felt the will power to do it, and I went out and did it. And that is how I can measure success in my life, especially considering I've been in a depressive state lately.

I am listening to music and going to bed now. I just wanted to let you know I was having a good day. My Wellbutrin was increased a few days ago and I think the higher dosage is helping.


  1. Jen, you are doing great! It was such a pleasure to read this entry. You have come so far and you deserve to be happy. It may sound corny, but I think you are learning to love yourself better. The ice cream sundae and going to the bookstore are personal gifts to yourself. Having hope is the key I think. When you have hope you can brainstorm, see opportunities hidden in problems and find solutions. You can start to heal old wounds. You can, I really believe, recover from severe mental illness even while you are experiencing symptoms. I am not all well, but I know I am so much better than before because now I, too, have hope. If you haven't already, set a few short term goals to reach, that's also a gift to yourself. Keep it up!

    Kate : )

  2. It was nice to read your post this morning. You positive message is nice to see.

    Thank you.


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