Thursday, February 05, 2009

there goes my brain again......and Dar Williams!

I went to a concert last night. It was Dar Williams, who is one of my favorite musicians, and two opening acts, Jesse Harris, and Joshua Radin, who were also great. I took my friend Kathy, and wasn't sure she would like the music, but she did, which was good. She made me let her pay for her ticket, although I had planned on paying for them myself, since it was completely my idea to go.

Anyway, so I'm sitting there in this concert, and lo and behold, there goes my brain again, doing it's wacky things. So I became convinced one of the musicians was looking directly at me, as I am prone to thinking that sort of thing when my brain goes AWOL on me. I told myself, "remember when you thought this about Ani Difranco too? She even wrote a song about a girl who thinks she's looking right at her while she sits in the audience..." so I tried to reason with my brain that, just as Ani was never looking directly at me, neither was this guy who was, I should also mention, one of the most attractive guys I have ever seen in my entire life. I'm sure that he has plenty of people to actually look at, and many of them are likely beautiful, thin, and younger than I am. So, it's not as though I actually believed this person was looking at me. I was just getting that message sent to my self from my mis-wired brain, as it were. When I got home, I was thinking about all the things I need to fix and change in my self and my life in order to be able to actually attract a guy like this one, as if that would ever happen, or, as if it actually mattered if it happened.

Luckily, I woke up this morning clear in thought, and had no ridiculous notions about the guy. But, I woke up still thinking about a past boyfriend and a past friend who was never my boyfriend but who I always dreamed about as if he were (and who has also not spoken to me in some six months now), and I woke up with that empty loneliness you feel when the realization truly hits you that you are, actually, very alone in the world. I hate that goddamn realization. It happens to me frequently.

So I went to work today, and I tried, as I always try, to ignore all the people speaking in double speak, all the people talking to me about the Holocaust or telling me I'm going to end up walking to a concentration camp where I'll die, or telling me basically to die right now. I always have to ignore this crap now, and it seems like it's been quite a while since the last time when this stuff left me alone and my brain was devoid of bizarre wackiness.

So then, on this day, when, obviously, I am a bit shaky already, when I have a cold and am convinced the cold medicine is affecting my mind and mental processes, today, on THIS DAY, my boss has to decide to take her wrath out on me about a bunch of nonsensical, stupid little things no rational human being would ever care about at all. My boss, though I don't think I've mentioned this hear before, is a bit of a pain in the ass and not a rational person. So I did what I know how to do, smiled, said, "okay, thank you", etc. and tried not to yell or run out of the room as my brain would have preferred me to do. I thought about quitting, since, quite frankly I'd make more money at McDonald's than I make in this stupid job, and I'd probably have less of a headache, but I decided, no, I need this job, and the satisfaction of telling my boss to go to hell would not exceed the amount of stress and problems that being jobless would bring down upon my head.

So, I took my lunchbreak, cursed her mentally, listened to some music, drank some liquid love (aka Diet Coke, elixir of the gods), and returned to my desk to finish the day (which I am still in the process of finishing).

I know I can do more than this. I know that I could walk out of here right now and find another job, but the thing is, I spent eight months jobless before I came to work here, and I know that I did not possess much motivation to take on the task of securing employment then, so it is not all that likely I would do a better job of it in my present state.

I know that I can lose weight, too. I know that I used to be super-skinny and relatively attractive, neither of which I am at this time. I know I used to be able to find guys to go out with easily, via online dating, and I had no trouble with it, at that time (which was a time when I was manic but didn't know it), but now, frankly I don't even have a remote bit of self esteem left about my appearance, and there is no way in hell I would try to go on a date with anyone at all. Ever.

I know that I need to stop it with the Diet Coke. Stop using plastic cups, and what's worse - the disposable cups! Stop destroying my body and this planet with plastic and caffeine and Nutrasweet. I know my therapist has given me entire book chapters to read that she dutifully copied for me with some aging Xerox machine at the community mental health center and I, for god's sake, should at least show some appreciation for her efforts to save me from my wanton desires to consume caffeinated beverages with no calories in them. I know that it's not really funny or healthy when everybody who knows you thinks you need an IV going into your arm to give yourself your daily soda consumption. I know I should care about this. I should care about everything and everybody. But I'm human, so, I don't always care.

I know I should be over my friend who I miss all the time from the years I spent writing to him, and who, for good reason probably, doesn't talk to me anymore. But I'm not over that, for whatever reason. I can't get past it.

I know I should still run the weekly support group meetings for people with Schizophrenia that I did last year, but I don't want to and I don't think it matters to anybody anyway.

I guess my problem boils down to a lot of apathy. Which is ugly and frightening and not something I like to admit to, but it is true, nonetheless.

What's also true, though, is that I do CARE about a great, great, great many things and many people, but I also live with daily, frequent auditory hallucinations and mental delusions with which other people would not be able to cope any better than I do, and which my brain is, technically, NOT SUPPOSED TO BE CREATING ANYMORE, because I am on enough medications to kill a whole field full of cattle, and it is quite obviously not working. And that, that little factoid, is really not my fault. That is just a fact of life.


  1. Thank you for visiting my blog:) I want to commend you for being so open on your blog. I think it is great that you can reflect on so many things that happen day to day. Also, I love that you speak up about equality for women. I have been told by others that I am a feminist, but that is just a label. I will speak up ANYONE is pushed down. Keep up the good work! BTW, I can not comprehend how family/friends could shut you out based on things you said or did while psychotic. Why can't people understand that these are things created by the illness and not the person. It amazes me that people with mental disorders will loose so many friends and family. I could never shut my brother out of my life. If we all took things into perspective we may not have stigma, but we do. You should be very proud of how far you have come. You are quite courageous!

  2. Hey, I think you are too hard on yourself. Considering the illness you struggle with, apathy is not so much ugly and frightening as it is depressing. But I still say you have come a long way and I think the apathy will start to recede. You just have to give it time. It hasn't been that long since your last psychotic break and yet you have made definite progress, it's just that that progress may not be so apparent to you as it is to others. I've been listening to my journal audio tapes recently from 6 months ago and a year ago and even in that time I see some progress that I wouldn't have noticed otherwise. Hey Jen, I never asked you, but do you keep a journal? It's a good way to keep track of things.



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