Saturday, January 31, 2009

a low day

I feel quite depressed right now. Today (yesterday actually; it's 3 AM), I stayed home from work. I called in sick and slept all day, which is why I am currently awake. I have never done that before with this job, where I have been for five months and rarely ever with my last job which is where I worked for over two years.

Things were going okay, other than the psychosis stuff. I am not sure if this is a hormonal depression or not. I hope it is, as that would be temporary.

I have so many regrets, some of which were mentioned briefly in my last post about random things. I miss some of my old friends all the time, and I wish I had not destroyed those relationships with my bizarre behavior. I wish those people were still around so I could email them and say, "hey, I got a diagnosis and I'm better now", but they aren't. The friend I miss the most is the one I previously mentioned here who I have known for twelve years or so. I have not heard from him since sometime around August. Most likely, I will never hear from him again.Since I have thought of this person as my soulmate for eleven or twelve years, the fact that I am not only NOT going to ever meet him in person but am also NOT going to even hear from him via phone or email again is very painful.

I have a hard time making friends, but when I do, I have often become really attached to people. Not all people though, just certain people. I don't feel understood - and never have - by most people. This leads to a sense of isolation and deep loneliness, which is what led to this blog's creation four years ago.

I feel a lot of regret, as well, that I am not close with my father anymore, and that I basically destroyed my relationship with him when I was psychotic and unmedicated. I still carry the reputation of a daughter who accused her father of sexual abuse, in my family, because most of them don't know I have Schizophrenia and have no contact with me (I mean my relatives in another state, not my first degree ones), and I am very ashamed about that history and very sorry about the years that went by (six years) where my father and I never spoke. And then, there is more to the story on that as well, but I don't want to go into details about it here. It's enough to say that when you have had psychosis going on for years, at some point you have to just admit that you don't really know what reality is, and with my other relative who I thought abused me, I still don't know for sure if things like that happened or didn't happen, but I have given up trying to figure that out.

I know my dad never abused me, though, and I have tried to clarify this fact to the people who had heard my previous allegations when I was not on medication and not diagnosed and totally out of my mind, years ago. I resent the idiotic therapists I spoke to back then who convinced me I was a sexual abuse survivor suffering from Dissociative Disorder, and who didn't understand (because I didn't understand) that my mind was creating all sorts of ideas that were totally not based on reality. I lost years of my life and important connections to people because of the ignorance of those therapists and my own ignorance as well.

As Anne Sexton wrote, "This loneliness is just an exile from God." I feel horribly, incredibly lonely right now, as I often do.

I also feel that things are coming to a head with my therapist, and I am probably going to stop seeing her soon. Therapy used to be helpful to me, but I am not so sure it is anymore. My therapist likes to look for answers for things, and reads a lot of medical research. I am glad she keeps updated on alternative treatments and health matters, but over the past couple months she has talked endlessly about how I most likely have Celiac Disease, and that she hoped I did have it because that would be the answer as to why my medications are not working as well as they should be, since I would have an absorption problem with my digestive system. I am back on Risperdal injections every two weeks now, because my therapist said she thinks I did better when I was on them before since the injections go straight to the bloodstream and don't have to be digested. But the injections ARE NOT working, and I just got the blood test results from my rheumatologist for my blood test for Celiac Disease. The results were negative, meaning I do not have the disease, unless the disease just didn't show up on the blood test.

I did not want to have that disease, and I am glad I got negative test results. But my therapist won't be. She will be disappointed, and she will tell me I need to get an Endoscopy (which I have had before - twice), to see if I have Celiac Disease for sure. She has already told me this. She also seems to think I have all sorts of nutrition problems because of my diet, and that I need to fix those immediately - and that this is the sort of thing I should be talking about in therapy. I don't feel my nutrition is that bad in the first place, and I don't feel like wasting time seeing a therapist so I can be lectured to about what I should be eating. I have more important things to talk about than that. I feel like my therapist doesn't let me talk enough, because she is too busy trying to tell me how to "fix" my illness, whereas I am beyond the point of believing it can be "fixed" and I prefer, now, the peace of ACCEPTING that this illness is not going away, but that I can learn to live with it, since it is not the end of the world. So I feel like my therapist and I are approaching things from two totally different angles, and this just does not work well.

I may change my mind about this idea of quitting therapy, and feel bad that I wrote this post, but I have always used this blog as a way of figuring out what my thoughts are really saying. I like my therapist a lot. She is a very intelligent, and kind, genuinely compassionate person, who I am very happy to know. I just do not think she understands some things about my illness, like the fact that it is beyond being able to be cured.

I guess I have a number of things weighing on my mind right now. I want very badly to change my life. I want to do some things I have never done, like travel outside the United States, or even some inside the U.S. I want to write a book. I want to lost about 80 pounds. I want to have some kind of career. I want to live. I don't feel like I'm living sometimes these days.

2 comments:

Valash said...

Hello, I lost my close friend too because of psychosis and now I am recovering, and cannot correct the damage. I wish I had her email or something to apologize and to get another chance.

I am on Abilify and it works good for me. It is another newer antipsychotic drug, you should consider it if you haven't already.

Keep hope alive,
Ashley

Wanderer62 said...

Hi Jen,

You know, it's okay to change your therapist if you don't feel she's working out. I haven't done it personally, so I don't know what it's like, but why not seriously consider it? But don't just stop therapy. You are too isolated as is. Last I heard you were not going to the support group that you started. Maybe you should start it up again?

I really feel the isolation, too, especially living in a poor, rural area with no support groups for mental health and no clubhouses, but part of the isolation is my own fault. I have such trouble reaching out and being there for others. The schizophrenia and depression really do teach me to withdraw. For instance, I really like you, but I haven't been writing to you. I really haven't been writing to anyone, just blogging once a week, if that. I have started this diet and exercise plan, that's giving me some structure and focus, but I still feel isolated/even lonely. I have hope though and I'm not going to give up on myself.

About the sexual abuse delusion, I had a similar thing happen to me. My voices tried to convince me that my father had sexually abused me as a child, but my therapist guided me away from that delusion. The voices also said I had been molested by other people as well. All of this was when I was acutely psychotic and not taking the anti-psychotic meds. You know what Jen, we've come a long way since then. I know now is not perfect for either of us, but it is much better than when we were so low. You are very strong to be able to go to work and stick to it, You are strong to want to change and live and overcome what you can of your illness. I appreciate you.

Kate

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