Saturday, October 18, 2008

drowning

I do not feel well. I mean, physically and mentally, I do not feel like my self. I think I have become overcome by depression. I am so tired, I feel like I have been drugged with some kind of tranquilizer. I wonder about my thyroid, for I have a problem with mild hypothyroidism, and I have not bothered to get any blood work done to have it checked out in like a year. I just never bother with things like that anymore.

I went down to the local Obama campaign office today. I thought, I'll contribute an hour or two calling people, and then I'll feel like I've done something worthy of being alive. I went there, and the place was jam-packed with people, both paid organizers and volunteers, all standing in this tiny office, with nowhere to sit, and a Congresswoman was there speaking. I didn't really care about the Congresswoman, I just knew I needed to sit down. I don't mention this a lot here, but I have Fibromyalgia and an autoimmune disease. I do not do well with standing, espcially when I'm not feeling well. So I needed to sit down, and I wanted to just call people and not stand up feeling faint and listening to some politician talk. But that wasn't possible. So I just left.

Then I came to the library. Ostensibly, I came here to do work for my classes. But because I cannot think, I cannot do work on my classes. I cannot read. I bet I could win an award for the most hours spent in bookstores and libraries while simultaneously not being able to actually read anything. I wonder if they give out medals for that somewhere. Please let me know if they do.

So what I've been doing is playing on Facebook, adding activist graphics to Facebook pages. This isn't entirely pointless, but considering the insurmountable mountain of things that I need to be taking care of in my life right now, spending hours on Facebook is quite stupid and definitely pointless. But that's all I feel like I can do right now.

I'm not sure I could talk, even if I had someone to talk to. There are a couple people I could call, but I do not feel up to talking. The last two times - maybe the last three times - I saw my therapist, I barely talked. This is not like me. I am usually up for talking in therapy, but not these days. These days I stare at things, and I listen, and I think, and I don't talk much. It's hard to even write this right now. I feel like I am drowning.

Perhaps taking the other damn antidepressant I'm supposed to be taking would help, but I really do not think it would. I've been on it before - for like 9 years - and it stopped working. I have really no faith left in the capabilities of my nurse practitioner who prescribes my medication. To be honest with you, I don't think she's very knowledgable about research or about how to help someone like me. I don't think she has spent enough time with me to understand what I need in the first place, and I don't think she gets enough free time to read research on the latest medications. I guess it doesn't really matter, because chances are that I would be like this no matter who my doctor was, but I sometimes wonder...I sometimes think, "I'll see that other doctor who is registered with the associations for medical people and has a good reputation". I even know this guy's name and have a vague idea of where his office is. Actually I think I saw him about 12 years ago, but I'm not sure, because I don't really remember. I think, "I'll go to him and get my medications changed; hell, I might even get a different diagnosis, and maybe he can actually help me." And then I think, "What is really the point, anyway?" And then I never go. This has been an ongoing process of thinking about it and not doing it, for like two years.

I'm tired. I know I said that already, but it's hard to put words to the kind of fatigue I am experiencing right now and it scares me. I know how it is to get physically ill to the point you cannot physically get out of bed, even when there is nothing much mentally wrong. I don't want to live through another period like that again. I know I should go to the rheumatologist and get the bloodwork done. When I broke my ankle last year, I was told I have Osteoporosis, and I was supposed to get a bone density test. I never got it done. That was nearly a year ago now. I can't believe it's been a year. I kept putting it off, like I do with medical things because I cannot stand to expend energy on thinking about being sick anymore, and I cannot stand to spend hours on end in doctors' offices, because I did that for so many years, I cannot even begin to tell you how depressing it is to even contemplate going back to being a frequent visitor of doctors. I won't do it. So I don't. So, I feel sick.

There was a time when I only had the medical issues, and not the psychiatric diagnosis, to worry about. That was an easier time. It's not like that now. Now, I go in and I have to say, "yes, I take these meds for Schizophrenia, but I REALLY AM PHYSICALLY ALSO ILL, and you must listen to me, because I'm not just a crazy hypochondriac." And the thing is, I don't want to spend my energy on having that conversation. So I intentionally avoid it. I read a statistic recently that was rather frightening. It was from a government study on Schizophrenia. It said that people with Schizophrenia are less likely than other people to get medical care for physical illnesses, and that the average person with Schizophrenia dies 25 years (that's not a typo, 25 YEARS), earlier than someone without Schizophrenia.

So I guess I need to be retiring soon, since I'm 33 and the future isn't looking to bright for me...

I don't think I can even write anymore right now. Sorry, this is an odd post.

2 comments:

Elliot said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wanderer62 said...

Hi Jen,

I'm sorry you're so depressed and feeling weird. And I know what you mean about not taking care of physical problems. I do the same thing and I know it's not wise. Hell, I have trouble even brushing my teeth and bathing regularly, though I'm a bit better than I used to be about it. I don't think many people realize that being mentally ill and living alone without help is not a good combination. I value a lot of my time alone, but really it's not the greatest for me.

If you ever feel like talking to someone, my offer still stands,

Kate

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