Monday, October 06, 2008

another day

So, I am not doing so well with the depression thing. This is one of the stories of my life.

All the ugly, old thought return: hang yourself, slit your wrists in the bathtub, cut yourself to feel better (where's a razor? where's a knife?), buy a gun again, shoot yourself in the head, smash your car into the side of the Skyway Bridge again, jump from the bridge, overdose.

These thoughts run in the background of my mind, all the time.

Whatever, whatever.

I have mentioned before here how I am often lonely. Such is the case again, which is not much news, but is apparently part of the problem. I have one good friend who lives near me, and one former professor friend, and then I have one good internet friend. The rest of the people I used to talk to fell away, or are drug addicts or something of that nature. I have lots of acquaintences, but not a whole lot of friends. I have never been talented at making friends (or influencing people, as that dumb book says).

School, school.

I am behind again, as usual now. I don't seem capable of reading at all, so I just decided to wing and take this quiz without reading the three chapters on which it was based. I failed it. Genius idea.

I skipped work today and decided I didn't care if they fire me because, frankly, I don't like the job much, and getting through school is more important than where I work to make ridiculously low wages. I do need the job, so I will go back tomorrow. But not today. I was trying to read today. That was the plan. Plan failed.

My family stresses me out, as usual. I don't talk about them much on here, because they might read what I write here. I will say that my mother has caused me a lot of stress for a lot of years and I can't always deal with more of it. So I told her off, and I don't really care that it wasn't very nice, because you can't always be nicey nice with people who are completely ignoring your right to be free of their misery. For example, you do not have to read this boring blog post about my problems. But my mom thinks I need to hear her problems, and my sister's problems, on the phone, every day of my life, and doesn't care that it makes my own illness worse to have to be burdened with this additional stress. She just doesn't care. Some people are like that.

That's about all I have to say for now. Sorry it is not too interesting. Things will get better eventually.

I am halfway considering, possibly venturing into a hospital, but I know that it won't help anything to do that, and it will put me farther behind in school (again), and possibly cause me to lose my job (again), which would, in turn, cause me to lose my apartment (again), so I really need to avoid that situation.

7 comments:

Ken Albin said...

Thank you for reminding me why I live 500 miles away from my sister!

On a more serious note, we are all actually alone and must depend upon ourselves for fulfillment. Even standing in the middle of a room of people one can feel completely alone. Relationships can enrich our lives in many ways but they can never replace the peace one gets from a centered and complete self. Friends come and go but you have to live with yourself forever so it is important to make peace with your own values and to have a strong self-image. Everything else builds upon that.

You know, other than my wife none of my current friends were friends of mine 30 years ago in college. I don't know where many of them even are. Some moved, some died, and the rest just drifted away over time. I guess that one must accept the fact that friendships will change over time. We change and our friendships are a reflection of that change. It is all part of the pattern of growth we all go through in life. I look at friendships as teaching aids to help us learn how to become better people. They can also be a source of comfort. Loneliness can be difficult to overcome but there are many new friends waiting to be found by you out there. When you find them, cherish those friendships but always be ready to move on to the next stage in life when it is time to do so.

Martina said...

don't know you, just saw your blog while looking up Dar Williams lyrics -- love "Mercy of the Fallen" as you do.

Had to say -- hang in there. Give yourself credit for getting through the day. You sound like an eloquent person and I'll bet your blog helps people in ways you may never know.

Martina said...

don't know you, just saw your blog while looking up Dar Williams lyrics -- love "Mercy of the Fallen" as you do.

Had to say -- hang in there. Give yourself credit for getting through the day. You sound like an eloquent person and I'll bet your blog helps people in ways you may never know.

Wanderer62 said...

Jen, I don't have much experience with hospitals, but if you think you might need to go to one, do it. Don't rule it out. Having persistent suicidal thoughts is some kind of internal warning, but only you can judge the seriousness of it.

I don't have any offline friends, just my brother. Oddly enough I don't exactly get lonely, just a bit detached/empty. I have a pattern of moving towards people, then away, then towards again, i.e. I can be inconsistent and I do think that has to do with the schizophrenia.

Hey, stop putting yourself down. Be aware when you're doing it and try to counter it. I have to do this also. It's hard to do...love yourself the right way, but I'm positive both our struggles with depression stem from a poor self image which just got worse with the psychotic symptoms. Self image can be changed through thoughts and actions, albeit through much repetition of the positive ones.

Kate

DR said...
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Elliot said...
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