Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Not waving, but drowning

I miss my best friend. I chased him away, because I'm an idiot who has an obsessive-compulsive personality and a lack of social skills, as people terrify me. I chased away my best friend. This was one of the stupidest things I have ever done in my life.

Sorry to be cliche, but "things fall apart".

I am thinking of hanging myself, or shooting myself, pretty much whenever I'm not busy with something deeply engrossing to me. This is not a great situation. I am supposed to increase my antidepressant, but if I do that, I'll be too tired to go to work and keep up with school, and so, I'm probably not going to do it.

I am so tired of being alone in this. Alone in life. All we are is all alone. Alone.

"I'm not waving but drowning". That's an excellent poem. People often seem to think I'm waving at them. I'm not.

Sorry for this. Next post will be more upbeat.

"Not Waving But Drowning"

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

-Stevie Smith


  1. Hi Beautiful,

    You are far from being an idiot. You are a smart, sensitive person with a serious disability.

    I'm sorry I've been away for quite a while. I was a bit lost for the whole summer, but now I think I'm back on track.

    Okay, not waving, but drowning...so what's your game plan? How do you fight the insidious thoughts and feelings? How do you stop drowning?

    I just read several of your entries and, as usual, I am really impressed with the quality of your mind and your ability to express yourself with apparent ease. I'm really glad you've been writing. You were born to write a book. I think you should seriously consider writing an article or essay on a topic of your choice and try to get published. You are a valuable human being. Don't give up.

    How's school going? Are you going slowly? That's the key. Don't take too many classes if possible. Keep it slow and steady and you will get your degree. And if you don't that doesn't mean that you are some inferior person. My older brother is brilliant and flunked out of high school and several colleges. I respect his heart and mind.

    What do you think about Wellsphere? I'm also a "featured blogger" but I haven't picked up any new readers yet. I guess it will take some time yet. The main thing I don't like is that my blog entries are not in order on their site. I'm glad that you decided to join and I hope you start to pick up readers. You really deserve it.

    Kate : )

  2. Hi, Kate! So nice to see you here again! I'm sorry you had a difficult summer.

    Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful comments. I really appreciate them very much. I would like to have an article or essay published, though I'm not sure where. Let me know if you have any ideas on that. I have thought about doing that for some time.

    School is going okay. I'm only in two classes, so it's half-time, but I'm also working and both combined can be hard on me sometimes. I am also in two difficult classes, because I put off the math and science requirements for so many years, that now, I can only take those classes, as I don't need much else. I should finish my AA degree next semester.

    I would love to write a book eventually. That has been my dream for my entire life.

    I'm not sure I like Wellsphere either. I don't like the way they upload things that I wrote three years ago and list the entries with today's date. That makes no sense. Perhaps they will correct that problem in the future.

    I love your artwork, by the way. Your blog is lovely.

    Take care!

  3. Hi Jen,

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. I'm glad you like the artwork.

    There's a reference book that comes out yearly called The Writer's Market. It's a big paperback book and it costs around $20-29. Go to a good library and look for it just to get a feel for it. It has listings for book publishers, consumer magazines, trade journals and literary agents along with interviews and articles on writing and the business. It's a good place to start.

    The real challenge is to narrow down what exactly you want to write about and then go ahead and write a short piece on it and revise it.

    Last winter I found a site www.helium.com/ where you can compete with others writing short articles on a wide range of topics. Some of the topics are very banal, others interesting and the writing varies widely, but they have contests so you can even earn a little money if you work at it. I think it's a good place to practice writing in a group environment. There's another site that does something similar called Associated Content.

    One really good thing to do is join a writing group. I have an online friend Nancy who's part of a group with Christina Bruni (there are links to their blogs on my blog) and she's just about ready to send her memoir out to be published. I've only really been to one group years ago (before I got ill), but it was very motivating, especially because the group was small and intimate. It's important to get constructive feedback from somewhere.

    I would really like you to focus on writing something, maybe take one of your blog entries as a starting point. Get one of those accordion folders with monthly dividers and do a little writing each month for the half year. Maybe by next spring you'll have something that holds up to send out to a magazine.

    If not now, when?

    Jen, feel free to email me anytime. Go to my Artid website (that's where I show and try to sell my artwork--the link is on my blog, along with Nancy and Chris' links) and click on the Contact page in the upper right corner. I would love to hear from you. And I'd be happy to read and respond to anything you write.


  4. I wanted to let you know that I found your blog on the Suicide Awareness and Prevention Facebook cause and I appreciate you being so forthcoming about your struggles.



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